Gen Z, Social Media is Optional

Young people can use technology to connect directly while shunning the apps designed to hook us

Introduction from Zach Rausch:

In November, I joined a panel in Beverly, Massachusetts, to discuss The Anxious Generation. The panel included a clinical psychologist, a Gen Z researcher, the director of a mental health institute, and the CEO of the Boston Schools Fund. When the conversation shifted to solutions and how we can address social media’s negative impact on youth mental health, two viewpoints emerged.

On one side, two of the panelists (including me) argued for strict boundaries: delaying smartphones until high school, raising the age of opening a social media account to 16, and bell-to-bell phone-free schools. On the other side, the panelists said that blanket restrictions would likely be ineffective. Instead, they generally supported a more holistic multi-pronged solution, focusing on more education, mental health support, digital literacy, and balanced use. They generally viewed it as possible for younger adolescents to learn to navigate social media in a healthy way. (There were also perspectives that fell in the middle, but the opinions still fell largely into these two camps).

The sole Gen Z’er panelist favored the latter approach, emphasizing the importance of trusting and guiding young people rather than limiting access. After the discussion, another young Gen Z woman, Gabriela Nguyen, approached me to share that she wished she could have added a different youth perspective: That Gen Z should know they have the choice to opt out. Many of the proposed solutions assume that being on social media is inevitable. But it’s not.

I was intrigued by Gabriela’s ideas, and got lunch with her a few weeks later. Gabriela is a 23-year-old master’s student at Harvard University, studying education policy. She coined the term “appstinence” to describe living without personal social media accounts like Instagram, TikTok, X, etc, and instead using direct-line communication like phone calls. She founded APPstinence, a Gen Z-led student organization at the Ed school bringing visibility to the social media-free lifestyle.

Gabriela is working with Freya India to build a step-by-step guide for Gen Z to get off of social media and rebuild a life in the real world. Using their experience growing up on social media before leaving it, they show that “appstinence” is possible—and can open up a whole world of new opportunities. Here is her story.

– Zach

(P.S., For more stories from young people, check out our series “Voices of Gen Z”)

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Gen Z, Social Media is Optional

Source: Shutterstock

Born and raised in Silicon Valley in the 2000s, I was a de facto soldier of the Digital Revolution—manned with an iPod Touch, then a smartphone, and all the fancy social media apps that went along with them, starting at the age of 9. Although my father tried to block the introduction of these technologies in my life, he was not able to outdo the social pressure and the companies’ endless intrusion into all aspects of our society—from restaurant menus to schools to public transportation.

My girlhood soon deteriorated into nonsensical social games, unrealistic filters, and the addictive short-form videos of Instagram, Snapchat, and later, TikTok.I started spending several hours a day on these platforms—before, during, and after school. I could not stop looking at what everyone else was doing. I worried that if I disconnected from the online world, I’d fall behind everyone else. And growing up in an intensely competitive academic and social environment, falling behind was not an option.

I spent endless hours manufacturing my public image. As a teenage girl stumbling and growing into her body, I found temporary relief from the “likes” I would get from a selfie or a boastful post.

The more time I spent on these platforms, the more difficult it became to recognize myself—always “body checking,” and speaking in slang I didn’t fully understand.

Before I knew it, I had become fluent in these behaviors. My physical body became indiscernible from the avatar I showed others.

It wasn’t until I completely deleted my profiles—opting instead for direct-line communication like phone calls, video calls, and texting—that I could stop fighting for my attention, time, and self-esteem. But my “appstinence” only came after a tireless battle for “moderate use.”

In the rest of this post, I’ll share the highs and lows of my journey to getting off of social media for good, and how—if you are looking to delete—you can do it too. I write this primarily for my peers, but it can apply to anyone who wants to try it out.

The Road to “Appstinence”

I first realized I had a problem in my mid-teens. At 14, I would try to complete simple 30-minute school assignments, but they would end up taking 4 hours because I could not stop scrolling. I lost sleep, staying up late into the night staring at my phone.

I felt that something was wrong, and instinctually wanted to back away. It turned out that my suspicions were not unique. As high school passed by I noticed posts like these from my friends:

Image. “BRB. Taking a month break from social media.” Source: https://medium.com/@ching_hsieh

I thought I’d try it too, and soon exhausted every technique, from setting vague screen time boundaries to giving someone else my phone so I could focus on homework.

Nothing worked. I kept doomscrolling and posting, and I slowly began to believe that I was morally deficient, unable to control my behaviors.

I needed a new approach. I deactivated my accounts, only to reactivate them again, until one mighty attempt pushed me past the 30-day reactivation window¹—and deleted my Instagram for good. This was progress, but it was not the end of my journey. I remade my Snapchat and TikTok accounts again and again. Even when I stopped using Snapchat and TikTok, I developed a Reddit habit through my smartphone browser.

I finally realized what I needed to do: I switched my primary phone to a Cat S22—a “smart” flip phone—and it killed my doomscrolling for good.

Takeaways

My journey toward “appstinence” was hard and roundabout, but worth the frustration. Physically, I now sleep better and have more regulated emotions. Mentally, I can have long, uninterrupted thoughts. As an artist, I am more creative. My loved ones and I are closer than we’ve ever been because I have more time and energy to invest into those relationships. Appstinence has taught me an important lesson that I want to pass on to my peers. Moderation of platforms that are designed to hook you is more trouble than it’s worth. We must not forget that social media is optional.

I’m aware I’m in the minority, especially for Gen Z, but I can’t rationalize “moderate use.” “Balanced use” of powerful temptations requires indefinite maintenance to keep our habits in check and imposes a steep tax. Humans are limited by our biology; technology, on the other hand, can improve infinitely. It seems unfair and unrealistic to expect that I’ll suddenly be able to conjure more willpower, wisdom, and time. I do not think that I am an outlier who just has bad self-control. In fact, I know I’m not. More than 1 in 10 adolescents have trouble too, and half of all teens say they are online almost constantly. Sixty-one percent of teens report trying to take temporary breaks from social media so they won’t be tempted to spend so much time on it, and over one-third have tried to permanently delete a social media account for the same reason. It’s not fair for any child to be expected to handle this. I refuse to “hack my algorithm” and “detox” to justify the consumption of poison. Although I see the value of social media for spreading a message or running a business, for those of us who find ourselves drowning in rage bait and social comparison, it’s simply not worth it.

Peer Reactions: Exalted or Exiled?

After finally breaking free from my unhealthy relationship with social media, I wanted to share my discovery with my peers. But their responses were not what I had anticipated.

When I told people I was “appstinent,” not everyone was supportive or happy with my decision. Many pleaded with me: “You NEED to re-download Instagram.” “Please just make an account so I can send you stuff—you don’t even have to post.”

This was difficult, and I thought I’d be alone in this fight forever. But the more I shared with people, the more I found that not everyone felt this way. Oftentimes, when I’d meet a new friend, they’d ask me for my Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat, or something similar to stay in touch. I’d say “Sorry I don’t have any of those but I can give you my phone number.” And, as sure as night follows day, they’d say, “Really? You don’t? Good for you.” Sometimes they’d add, “I wish I could do that,” to which I respond, “You can.”

In fact, the same peers who told me to redownload the apps were often the ones who would later tell me that they appreciated that I didn't use them.

In other words, I came to realize that many of my peers want to quit social media, but believe that it’s impossible, or impractical, to actually do it.

This post is for those of you who feel this way. It’s for the people who were like me, wanting someone to say it is doable and okay to try. I offer appstinence as a solution.

Remember, Social Media is Optional

I think the government has a duty to regulate these platforms and that parents should have the courage to say “no” when kids beg for an Instagram. Still, I don’t believe we can—or should—wait for other people to make changes for us. Speaking directly to those in Gen Z who find that social media is doing you more harm than good: Delete your accounts. Appstinence is a real and viable solution.

I know that it can be challenging to quit. Using the strategies that worked for me, I’ve developed a method that is straightforward, personalizable, and based on developmental research. I call it the “5D Method” and it employs five stages to help those who want to quit social media for good. The 5D’s are: Decrease, Deactivate, Delete, Downgrade, and Depart. Here’s how it works.

The 5D Method

Prepare

Before you begin, it’s important to prepare yourself and your social circle. It’s best not to suddenly disappear from social media without telling anyone, as it could cause unnecessary worry and hurt people’s feelings. Make an honest list of the friends and family you believe are worth keeping in contact with, let them know you will be making this lifestyle change, and ask them to call and text you instead.

Then, write down:

1. Your deepest fears with this process. It may be FOMO, feeling unseen, being alone with your thoughts. (For me, it was feeling invisible.)

2. Your ultimate reason for leaving social media. It may be to have more time, mental clarity, etc. (For me, it was to regulate my emotions.)

3. Realistic analog activities you can do every day, e.g., reading, walking, calling people, etc. These do not have to be perfect answers. (For me, I read and walked a lot, and still do.)

This process might feel uncomfortable at times, but should not be painful. If it’s agonizing, you’re probably moving too fast. Slow down as needed, this is not a race.

Step 1: Decrease

This stage is designed to prepare you for less time on social media. Start by making the apps less compelling:

• Unfollow ALL “junk” accounts. This could be gossip pages, news stations, your ex—anything that regularly makes you unhappy or steals your time. (I slimmed down my follower/following list to just the people I speak to at least weekly.)

• Remove all of the apps off of your phone and laptop. Only use your laptop browser to view social media. Do not save your password.

• Turn off all non-urgent notifications on all of your devices. (I kept only phone, videocall, and select text notifications.)

As your time on social media decreases, try to increase your engagement with the real world:

• Defer to your list of analog activities. (When I did this, I tried to keep a book with me at all times so my mind had something to switch its attention to.)

• Defer to your list of close family and friends, and schedule regular phone calls and meet ups if you can. (I started calling my grandpa every week.)

• Allow yourself to take more time for what you were already doing like chores and walking to class. (It was much easier for me to be present when I was only doing one task at a time. The only time I multi-tasked was when I listened to music while doing chores or exercising.)

Step 2: Deactivate

This stage is designed to further orient you back toward the real world. After you notice you’re actually decreasing your use (be patient, this could take two weeks, or two months…), deactivate the account you use the least. (For me, that was Twitter.)

The major platforms generally give you a 30-day window between deactivation and deletion. In these 30 days, continue to increase engagement with the real world. (My grandpa started to get used to hearing from me weekly, and I was regularly buying new books to read. I started to realize how long 24 hours really is…and that was great.)

Step 3: Delete

After 30 days, your account will automatically delete. Ideally, you’ll be so caught up in your new life that you won’t notice when the day comes.

Repeat the Deactivate and Delete steps until all of your accounts are gone. Don’t skip ahead! Allow yourself to adjust.

Step 4: Downgrade

(optional but highly recommended)

This step is designed to prevent surfing the web mindlessly on your smartphone to compensate for not having social media. If possible, switch to a “transition device,” a phone that is less advanced than a smartphone but smarter than a basic flip phone. The small, slow display is really off-putting. The Cat S22 is affordable, rugged, and a great conversation starter. I feel more peaceful knowing my phone is truly just a tool now.

To get used to having a more “limited” phone, I carried my iPhone (shut off) with me until I was comfortable without it. This adjustment took me a few weeks. Once in a while I would need to use it (mobile banking and showing a photo) but it was rarely a task that could not wait until I got home.

Step 5: Depart

Now you are likely a few months or over a year out from the start of your journey. Pull out the list of fears you wrote down on the first day. Below the list, write if any of these came true and how it made you feel. Look at the list of reasons for quitting social media and write down if achieving these was worth the effort of this process. I learned that this process, like any lifestyle change, has trade-offs. But the benefits greatly outweigh the costs. I accepted that there will be memes I won’t see and trends I won’t participate in, but the additional time, energy, and sanity is worth it all.

For myself and the many young people I’ve worked with, it’s at this point that we begin to feel a growing distance between ourselves and the digital world. We may even feel a little nostalgic for the memories we made online. These are good signs that we’ve made it back to the real world.

Getting off of social media forced me to consider hard but essential questions for a meaningful life like: What and who do I actually care about? What is the best way to spend my life? Who am I? Appstinence gave me the time to ask these questions and the mental clarity to start finding the answers. Your journey is yours alone, but I bet these questions will arise for you too.²

Conclusion

For years, I kept losing the battle with social media until I realized that the war was never justified. I thought limiting my use would maximize the benefits of social media while minimizing the harms—but I didn't realize this rationalization was actually rooted in a deep fear: without these platforms, I would be invisible.

If I could go back in time and speak to my younger self I would say: You don’t need to be on these platforms to be seen and to matter. You don’t have to keep fighting between your phone and your schoolwork. You don’t need to maintain a toxic, on-and-off relationship with your Instagram. You don’t have to obsess over every “like,” wondering if your crush saw your post. If this is normal behavior, I wish to be strange.

Advocating for a social media-free lifestyle reminded me why I am proud to be part of Gen Z. We’re forthright, unafraid to interrogate tradition and give existing powers a fair shake. Our refusal to accept the status quo has been our strength, as disruptive as some may label us. Sparking debates, defying convention—this is how we’ve fought for what we want. The struggle to corral Big Tech has only begun, and we must band together to keep the momentum going.

I hope my story shows you that you can do this too, and that it’s nothing to fear. It may feel that the choice to use these platforms are outside of our control. But we must stop outsourcing our agency to a handful of tech companies who profit from taking our attention away.

You have the tools to get started. Now, the choice is yours.

1. Major platforms (Instagram, Snapchat, X, etc) don’t let you immediately delete your account. You can only deactivate it, then 30 days must pass before your account is “erased.” You can always reactivate the account within those 30 days by logging in.

2. By the way–because technology is highly personal, you may run into issues with your journey of the 5D Method. If you’re struggling, reach out to your peers at APPstinence, and we’ll help you 1:1 for free.