I’ve said it many times, and I’ll say it again. Deleting Snapchat was the best thing I did in college. This first step made it so much easier to reduce the anxiety around Instagram, iMessages, and group chats. Now I’m basically to the point where I don’t respond to texts unless something elementary can be expressed like, “What time are you going to be here?” Response: “4.” All my friends know if they want me, to call me. I actually return missed calls. Calls are so much better. You can knock out in 30 seconds what could possibly take half a day to communicate via text. And what’s the worst, the business that needs to be settled could’ve been done quickly over the phone would now linger in the back of your mind for the half day the text conversation is going on. Calls also allow for communicating things through tone of voice, jokes, and random quick conversational excursions like checking in on how a friend’s job interview went or how a relative’s surgery went.
There’s a reason why when you read little bits about the day in the life of various historical figures that they dedicated a part of each day or week to reading and writing correspondence. People were actually doing things and weren’t writing letters all day. Being “available” all the time is essentially the modern equivalent to writing letters all day. Put in that frame, it’s crazy that we do this.
Now one of my favorite Saturday morning activities is to wake up, leave the phone where it be, go out for coffee, walk my dog, maybe go to the farmers market, and be pleasantly surprised when I get back home to a phone full of texts. I don’t feel guilt because I was actually out doing things-- running into strangers and friends, reading, thinking, eating a damn good lemon bar. Then off to the races calling people back and setting up plans to get schwifty on Yellowhammers with the fellas at Avondale or setting a time to meet someone to hike or shoot or watch football or setting up dinner plans.
I write comments like this at times to communicate to others, maybe my age of Gen Z or younger, how wonderful this mundane little big world is. You’ve just got to try to pay attention to it. But that’s really hard to do if your attention is constantly wholly absorbed by this little black box no bigger than your hand. Everything is competing for your attention, but it’s yours to give. Don’t waste your attention, your life frankly, on tawdry imitations that flutter over a pane of glass.
"...how wonderful this mundane little big world is. You’ve just got to try to pay attention to it." That is a powerful set of statements. I spoke to 130 high school students yesterday about this concept. We focused on the word NOTICE. Regarding the world and people around us. 103 of them agreed to try a 3-week challenge to (1) keep phones away during school passing time, (2) use an old-school alarm clock (that I'm purchasing for all of them), and (3) cut their current screen time in half. The challenge starts Monday and I'm excited to see how their choice opens up their eyes to the amazing, "mundane little big world" all around them :) Thank you for your reflections!
Very well said! '...tawdry imitations that flutter over a pane of glass.' That's all it is, and it breaks my heart a little bit every time I see another kid at church show up giddy over a new phone. Another mind lost in the haze. It's like we're all deliberately choosing to be shut in Plato's cave with nothing but shadowy imitations of the Real World dancing on a screen.
You got me haha I’m definitely talking about pepper place!
But I need to make it back up to prevail soon. It’s been a while. Living on southside for a few years now, I’ve been a loyalist to ohenrys in highland park. So easy to walk my dog and read in the parks and what not. Anyways, I’ll actually be moving to Norwood soon, so prevail may become my go to spot since downtown is just a stone’s throw away from there.
As someone who regularly gets flak from friends for being a “bad texter,” I feel very seen here 😂
The decline of “third places” have resulted in our phones becoming that third space. I can have an entirely different life on my phone from my work or my home if I chose. For some, that’s a feature of modern life. I’m increasingly convinced it’s a bug.
I agree that we should not always be available. The “Part 2” to this essay I would love to read is what does being planted in the modern world look like functionally, particularly when we’re surrounded by people who actively oppose being rooted themselves?
I have come to understand myself as dis-abled in this digitally platformed world. I’m a very bad phone caller, a bad texter, a spotty emailer, but a loyal and loving friend. when I give my heart to anything, I’m there in body and soul, in real time. But increasingly, there is no interwebz allowance for my body, no digital place for the carne y hueso across large swaths of time in which my body is in space physically. I do not know how to transfer my body’s haptics onto the digital/web/code platforms and interfaces that mediate our experiences in the world. I analogize it to there not being any on ramp or lift to assist the whole body in lived time: the Me built from memories with others, the Me who ponders and prays, the me who grieves. Thank you 🙏 I feel seen by this essay.
A long time ago, my dad told me, "you're under no obligation to answer the telephone." That gave me permission to not answer the phone or, much later, not immediately respond to emails or texts. It's been a tremendous stress and anxiety reliever for me for a long time. Also, people get "trained" regarding expectations: By not instantly replying when I'm not up to it, I "train" them to not expect an instant reply. As long as everyone knows the rules of the game, I think it's ok.
I realized quite a few years ago that hearing a telephone ringing caused enough distress that I felt it was imperative to answer. No more! If it’s important enough they will leave a message.
One of my deepest friendships is with my friend who I met studying abroad at the same time over ten years ago. We almost solely stay in touch via letters, and sometimes we’ll go a month or two without being able to write. But it doesn’t matter. We’re as close as ever. I’ve visited her, she's visited us, every other year or so, and we fall right back into chatting and catching up.
Texting and even WhatsApp (which I use pretty constantly with a couple friends) can be the illusion of ‘staying in touch’ but in reality they keep things much too surface level to ever offer the opportunity to deepen the relationship.
Katie, it warmed my heart to see that you stay in touch with your friend via letters. I have created handmade greeting cards for 30+ years--and find that "snail mail" goes MUCH further and deeper than social media ever could. Kudos to you for putting pen to paper.
I've started letter writing, too. While deployed to Iraq in the 2000s I pretty much relied on them, and still have those letters! They inspired me to start writing letters again, so I have for those children in my circle who would otherwise never get to experience what it's like to receive one. I am so happy to know I am not alone in this and thank you for the additional inspiration.
"but in reality they keep things much too surface level to ever offer the opportunity to deepen the relationship."
Excellent advice, Freya. I'm one of the older users (born 1952 without a house phone) so am used to a phone-free life. I use the phone on my terms - it's always on silent mode unless I'm expecting an important call (as I am right now because my wife is having a serious operation and the hospital may need to contact me) and expect that anyone who really needs to call me will leave a message which I will respond to promptly. But generally I live my life phone- free and am very happy that way.
Mind you, the phone is useful for travel tickets, etc. but that is me using it and not the other way round!
We need to be the masters not the slaves to this technology.
Exactly how I use my phone, Mike. Born several years after you (late 50's), we had no phone either. And when we finally did get one, it hung on the wall and was part of a party line. We disregarded it for the most part--we were OUTSIDE either working or playing.
Read receipts are turned on for my wife, and no-one else. Facebook was deleted over a decade ago. I have one friend on Snapchat - again my wife. Well, and 'Snapchat Team' who occasionally sends things I ignore. I will cop to occasionally looking at X, but I don't post, and mostly I don't look since it only makes me angry. Rest of the social media whatevers I never signed up for in the first place. Breaking my generalized rules by even posting this, but the article spoke to me. I work in a knowledge field, so email / MS teams / etc. - is my milieu, but I try to live my actual life in analog and it's nice out here. Set your phone on the charger in the bedroom and head outside. Take a walk around the neighborhood, say hi to the people you see, pet the dogs that come running up.
The Internet isn't real life, and you aren't in the Matrix unless you willingly put yourself in it.
Many of these features (read receipts, streaks, tracking, notifications, disappearing posts, likes, etc) are designed to make us use these platforms more. “Engagement” has been the byword. But with what quality? For what purpose?
Reminds me of a researcher who studies gambling: she explained how casinos use techniques to engage and keep users coming back for more, such as the occasional (but unpredictable) win at the slot machines. But the house always wins in the end.
I remember growing up without a home phone, long before mobile phones and we used payphones.
It was never a cause for concern when you couldn't speak to someone.
Then one day I suddenly realised that I was feeling stressed if I could contact someone, 'What's wrong with them?', 'Why aren't they answering?'
It was at that point that I drastically reduced my dependency on ICT and asked myself 'How did I get like this?'
The article is correct, there is a lot of pressure to always be available and it is not healthy; especially when you consider the addictive nature of social media.
I think of them as a parasite, a leech which is slowly draining you of your time, energy and intelligence.
My phone is always on silent. I turn it OFF before bedtime. We need boundaries with people....and with our phones. Don't let it become an unquenchable beast.
No more apologizing and explaining this. My only expectation for a reply is "sometime" and thats only for people Im close to. Real life is infinitely more important than screens.
This post came at the perfect time. We have one child who gets so anxious of someone - parent or peer - doesn't text her back immediately and reads text frequency as a sign of what the other person thinks of her. We're trying to help her develop a different perspective.
But this raises another question about what constant availability does to our kids and teens: Is it getting in the way of them developing emotional self-regulation and problem-solving skills? What does it do to their ability to tolerate distress and learn to manage their own emotions when the second they are upset they are immediately texting/messaging a parent or friend for support and relief or to offload their emotions onto someone else? What if the moment they encounter a problem they can't solve they're texting a parent for help rather than attempting to solve it themselves first? I'm not saying kids shouldn't reach out to parents and peers, I'm just wondering if there's a point for many kids where it becomes over-relied on and it interferes with developing skills for themselves?
I am older gen Z (2000), and this is exactly what is happening to us. I realized a few years ago (while I had a really great therapist) that I struggled to self regulate my emotions. If I was at work and spilled food all over the floor, I would immediately text my partner or my sister for moral support. Got stuck at a red light and was bored? I texted someone close to me to complain about it.
It wasn't until I broke up with my partner and lost that "sounding board" that I realized I had a problem. Every little thing that I used to text that person about suddenly became my problem in isolation. I had no way to cope. The bigger issue than that, even, was that I didn't realize that's what was happening to me. It took my therapist pointing out that I might have a codependent relationship with my partner (needing them to regulate my emotions for me), that I realized there was something wrong.
If I had advice for you and your child now, it would be to discuss privacy and the importance of dealing with minor mishaps on our own. There's only so much a parent can do to help a child who externalizes like this, speaking from past experience we will just text someone else if the first person doesn't respond, but I would also consider setting boundaries in your family about not responding to texts about minor complaints or mishaps. If it's a big problem, mom and dad should be available to answer, but if it's something less urgent, building resilience is the goal.
Love this. Sometimes I’ll turn off all my notifications, even text, and go through and respond to everything once or twice a day. That’s it. I tell the people closest to me, if it’s an emergency, call. Otherwise it can wait until the time I sit down to respond. I don’t do this nearly as much as I’d like to, but this essay just renewed my resolve a bit. I’ve been finding myself saying out loud, every time my phone buzzes, “Leave me alone!” I just really want people to stop asking me things and telling me things. Haha. So it’s probably time for a break.
Very nice talk ,so real , so " terre à terre" !! thanks a lot for the words you write!! I love them and fell in syncrony with your thinking : a human real life thinking!!!
I’ve said it many times, and I’ll say it again. Deleting Snapchat was the best thing I did in college. This first step made it so much easier to reduce the anxiety around Instagram, iMessages, and group chats. Now I’m basically to the point where I don’t respond to texts unless something elementary can be expressed like, “What time are you going to be here?” Response: “4.” All my friends know if they want me, to call me. I actually return missed calls. Calls are so much better. You can knock out in 30 seconds what could possibly take half a day to communicate via text. And what’s the worst, the business that needs to be settled could’ve been done quickly over the phone would now linger in the back of your mind for the half day the text conversation is going on. Calls also allow for communicating things through tone of voice, jokes, and random quick conversational excursions like checking in on how a friend’s job interview went or how a relative’s surgery went.
There’s a reason why when you read little bits about the day in the life of various historical figures that they dedicated a part of each day or week to reading and writing correspondence. People were actually doing things and weren’t writing letters all day. Being “available” all the time is essentially the modern equivalent to writing letters all day. Put in that frame, it’s crazy that we do this.
Now one of my favorite Saturday morning activities is to wake up, leave the phone where it be, go out for coffee, walk my dog, maybe go to the farmers market, and be pleasantly surprised when I get back home to a phone full of texts. I don’t feel guilt because I was actually out doing things-- running into strangers and friends, reading, thinking, eating a damn good lemon bar. Then off to the races calling people back and setting up plans to get schwifty on Yellowhammers with the fellas at Avondale or setting a time to meet someone to hike or shoot or watch football or setting up dinner plans.
I write comments like this at times to communicate to others, maybe my age of Gen Z or younger, how wonderful this mundane little big world is. You’ve just got to try to pay attention to it. But that’s really hard to do if your attention is constantly wholly absorbed by this little black box no bigger than your hand. Everything is competing for your attention, but it’s yours to give. Don’t waste your attention, your life frankly, on tawdry imitations that flutter over a pane of glass.
"...how wonderful this mundane little big world is. You’ve just got to try to pay attention to it." That is a powerful set of statements. I spoke to 130 high school students yesterday about this concept. We focused on the word NOTICE. Regarding the world and people around us. 103 of them agreed to try a 3-week challenge to (1) keep phones away during school passing time, (2) use an old-school alarm clock (that I'm purchasing for all of them), and (3) cut their current screen time in half. The challenge starts Monday and I'm excited to see how their choice opens up their eyes to the amazing, "mundane little big world" all around them :) Thank you for your reflections!
Very well said! '...tawdry imitations that flutter over a pane of glass.' That's all it is, and it breaks my heart a little bit every time I see another kid at church show up giddy over a new phone. Another mind lost in the haze. It's like we're all deliberately choosing to be shut in Plato's cave with nothing but shadowy imitations of the Real World dancing on a screen.
That farmers market is so great! We likely go to the same one.
If you haven't tried prevail coffee downtown yet, you should! It's really nice!
You got me haha I’m definitely talking about pepper place!
But I need to make it back up to prevail soon. It’s been a while. Living on southside for a few years now, I’ve been a loyalist to ohenrys in highland park. So easy to walk my dog and read in the parks and what not. Anyways, I’ll actually be moving to Norwood soon, so prevail may become my go to spot since downtown is just a stone’s throw away from there.
As someone who regularly gets flak from friends for being a “bad texter,” I feel very seen here 😂
The decline of “third places” have resulted in our phones becoming that third space. I can have an entirely different life on my phone from my work or my home if I chose. For some, that’s a feature of modern life. I’m increasingly convinced it’s a bug.
I agree that we should not always be available. The “Part 2” to this essay I would love to read is what does being planted in the modern world look like functionally, particularly when we’re surrounded by people who actively oppose being rooted themselves?
I have come to understand myself as dis-abled in this digitally platformed world. I’m a very bad phone caller, a bad texter, a spotty emailer, but a loyal and loving friend. when I give my heart to anything, I’m there in body and soul, in real time. But increasingly, there is no interwebz allowance for my body, no digital place for the carne y hueso across large swaths of time in which my body is in space physically. I do not know how to transfer my body’s haptics onto the digital/web/code platforms and interfaces that mediate our experiences in the world. I analogize it to there not being any on ramp or lift to assist the whole body in lived time: the Me built from memories with others, the Me who ponders and prays, the me who grieves. Thank you 🙏 I feel seen by this essay.
A long time ago, my dad told me, "you're under no obligation to answer the telephone." That gave me permission to not answer the phone or, much later, not immediately respond to emails or texts. It's been a tremendous stress and anxiety reliever for me for a long time. Also, people get "trained" regarding expectations: By not instantly replying when I'm not up to it, I "train" them to not expect an instant reply. As long as everyone knows the rules of the game, I think it's ok.
I realized quite a few years ago that hearing a telephone ringing caused enough distress that I felt it was imperative to answer. No more! If it’s important enough they will leave a message.
One of my deepest friendships is with my friend who I met studying abroad at the same time over ten years ago. We almost solely stay in touch via letters, and sometimes we’ll go a month or two without being able to write. But it doesn’t matter. We’re as close as ever. I’ve visited her, she's visited us, every other year or so, and we fall right back into chatting and catching up.
Texting and even WhatsApp (which I use pretty constantly with a couple friends) can be the illusion of ‘staying in touch’ but in reality they keep things much too surface level to ever offer the opportunity to deepen the relationship.
Katie, it warmed my heart to see that you stay in touch with your friend via letters. I have created handmade greeting cards for 30+ years--and find that "snail mail" goes MUCH further and deeper than social media ever could. Kudos to you for putting pen to paper.
I've started letter writing, too. While deployed to Iraq in the 2000s I pretty much relied on them, and still have those letters! They inspired me to start writing letters again, so I have for those children in my circle who would otherwise never get to experience what it's like to receive one. I am so happy to know I am not alone in this and thank you for the additional inspiration.
"but in reality they keep things much too surface level to ever offer the opportunity to deepen the relationship."
Spot on.
Excellent advice, Freya. I'm one of the older users (born 1952 without a house phone) so am used to a phone-free life. I use the phone on my terms - it's always on silent mode unless I'm expecting an important call (as I am right now because my wife is having a serious operation and the hospital may need to contact me) and expect that anyone who really needs to call me will leave a message which I will respond to promptly. But generally I live my life phone- free and am very happy that way.
Mind you, the phone is useful for travel tickets, etc. but that is me using it and not the other way round!
We need to be the masters not the slaves to this technology.
Exactly how I use my phone, Mike. Born several years after you (late 50's), we had no phone either. And when we finally did get one, it hung on the wall and was part of a party line. We disregarded it for the most part--we were OUTSIDE either working or playing.
Read receipts are turned on for my wife, and no-one else. Facebook was deleted over a decade ago. I have one friend on Snapchat - again my wife. Well, and 'Snapchat Team' who occasionally sends things I ignore. I will cop to occasionally looking at X, but I don't post, and mostly I don't look since it only makes me angry. Rest of the social media whatevers I never signed up for in the first place. Breaking my generalized rules by even posting this, but the article spoke to me. I work in a knowledge field, so email / MS teams / etc. - is my milieu, but I try to live my actual life in analog and it's nice out here. Set your phone on the charger in the bedroom and head outside. Take a walk around the neighborhood, say hi to the people you see, pet the dogs that come running up.
The Internet isn't real life, and you aren't in the Matrix unless you willingly put yourself in it.
I’d only change the location of the charger…no phones in the bedroom!
I LOVE THIS! No more apologising from me from now on. I. Am. Not. Designed. To. Be. Omnipresent.
Many of these features (read receipts, streaks, tracking, notifications, disappearing posts, likes, etc) are designed to make us use these platforms more. “Engagement” has been the byword. But with what quality? For what purpose?
Reminds me of a researcher who studies gambling: she explained how casinos use techniques to engage and keep users coming back for more, such as the occasional (but unpredictable) win at the slot machines. But the house always wins in the end.
I remember growing up without a home phone, long before mobile phones and we used payphones.
It was never a cause for concern when you couldn't speak to someone.
Then one day I suddenly realised that I was feeling stressed if I could contact someone, 'What's wrong with them?', 'Why aren't they answering?'
It was at that point that I drastically reduced my dependency on ICT and asked myself 'How did I get like this?'
The article is correct, there is a lot of pressure to always be available and it is not healthy; especially when you consider the addictive nature of social media.
I think of them as a parasite, a leech which is slowly draining you of your time, energy and intelligence.
My phone is always on silent. I turn it OFF before bedtime. We need boundaries with people....and with our phones. Don't let it become an unquenchable beast.
No more apologizing and explaining this. My only expectation for a reply is "sometime" and thats only for people Im close to. Real life is infinitely more important than screens.
"when you’re always available to everyone you’re not fully available to anyone." And this also makes us especially unavailable to ourselves!
This post came at the perfect time. We have one child who gets so anxious of someone - parent or peer - doesn't text her back immediately and reads text frequency as a sign of what the other person thinks of her. We're trying to help her develop a different perspective.
But this raises another question about what constant availability does to our kids and teens: Is it getting in the way of them developing emotional self-regulation and problem-solving skills? What does it do to their ability to tolerate distress and learn to manage their own emotions when the second they are upset they are immediately texting/messaging a parent or friend for support and relief or to offload their emotions onto someone else? What if the moment they encounter a problem they can't solve they're texting a parent for help rather than attempting to solve it themselves first? I'm not saying kids shouldn't reach out to parents and peers, I'm just wondering if there's a point for many kids where it becomes over-relied on and it interferes with developing skills for themselves?
I am older gen Z (2000), and this is exactly what is happening to us. I realized a few years ago (while I had a really great therapist) that I struggled to self regulate my emotions. If I was at work and spilled food all over the floor, I would immediately text my partner or my sister for moral support. Got stuck at a red light and was bored? I texted someone close to me to complain about it.
It wasn't until I broke up with my partner and lost that "sounding board" that I realized I had a problem. Every little thing that I used to text that person about suddenly became my problem in isolation. I had no way to cope. The bigger issue than that, even, was that I didn't realize that's what was happening to me. It took my therapist pointing out that I might have a codependent relationship with my partner (needing them to regulate my emotions for me), that I realized there was something wrong.
If I had advice for you and your child now, it would be to discuss privacy and the importance of dealing with minor mishaps on our own. There's only so much a parent can do to help a child who externalizes like this, speaking from past experience we will just text someone else if the first person doesn't respond, but I would also consider setting boundaries in your family about not responding to texts about minor complaints or mishaps. If it's a big problem, mom and dad should be available to answer, but if it's something less urgent, building resilience is the goal.
Love this. Sometimes I’ll turn off all my notifications, even text, and go through and respond to everything once or twice a day. That’s it. I tell the people closest to me, if it’s an emergency, call. Otherwise it can wait until the time I sit down to respond. I don’t do this nearly as much as I’d like to, but this essay just renewed my resolve a bit. I’ve been finding myself saying out loud, every time my phone buzzes, “Leave me alone!” I just really want people to stop asking me things and telling me things. Haha. So it’s probably time for a break.
This is so bad ass - I love it. Very inspiring and definately just helped me!.
Very nice talk ,so real , so " terre à terre" !! thanks a lot for the words you write!! I love them and fell in syncrony with your thinking : a human real life thinking!!!