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Kimberly Lackey's avatar

I agree 100% with all of this. Every last word. My daughter didn’t get a smartphone until 10th grade, but she was homeschooled through 9th, so that made it easier. My son was homeschooled through 6th grade, but we didn’t give him a phone until the end of 9th. Up until then he had a dumb phone that looked like a smartphone. It was HARD. By the time he got his smartphone, he was most likely the last one in his class of a couple hundred to get one. He felt left out. I was sympathetic but I’d read too much and I knew the dangers. I passionately resented the culture for forcing me to pick between these two poisons. Furthermore, many teachers and clubs require smartphone use for turning in homework or for communication. When your student has to go the teacher and ask for alternatives, this, for a teen, is hard.

Even though his school requires phones to be left in the lockers, they still sneak them in the classroom. So many of the homework assignments are online, so he comes home and “has to” be on his laptop, where myriad distractions await. I have parental control software, but it’s not perfect. The battles are never ending. He is always always always pushing back on our boundaries and restrictions. He is always comparing himself to his friends, who, in his mind, live perfect, carefree lives with unlimited tech access and no rules. We try to reason with him, to help him understand, and either he is incapable of understanding the logic or he refuses to. This dominates our lives, I hate it, and I’m SO angry at tech companies for foisting this upon us.

I didn’t know many parents at his school, but the couple I did know were more conservative and delayed the phone a little longer than others. But eventually they caved. I have found that if the friends of my sons have older siblings, they get smartphones a lot earlier.

This situation we are in is not sustainable. We need a campaign to target school principals and administrators, like what Haidt suggests, but even further. No homework on laptops. Clubs shouldn't require smartphones or apps. Don't post grades or homework assignments on Canvas. Constantly educate parents on why limiting screens is important. So many of them don't know.

Sorry for rant, but I'm at the end of my rope. I will not, however, give in to my son's demands to have his phone in his room or give him unlimited internet access. I. Will. Not.

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Blanch Ann's avatar

💯 agree with you. Our family minimum age for smartphone is 15. I would actually like to increase it. My almost 18-year-old is addicted to it, even though we limit screen time and are trying to actively engage him, with some success, in self-imposed limitations. He was a sophomore when he got his phone, and I think he was the last one without it for a couple of years. It only took him a couple of days to figure everything out.

Recently, our family has tried the Brick device, and it’s too soon to tell for sure, but it may be helpful?

The second kid turns 15 next month, and I don’t want to give him a phone. He is such an outdoors — driven kid. He loves to ride his bike, fish, workout, etc. He is a little more wary of tech than his older brother, but I fear this will quickly fall by the wayside once the computer is in his hand.

I have forwarded Haidt’s TEDTalk for educators to their school’s administrators. I’m not sure it will actually make a difference, but this is a hill I’m willing to die on, and I will continue to be a somewhat friendly thorn in their side until all of my kids graduate.

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Kimberly Lackey's avatar

Yes! It is a hill worth dying on! My oldest, who got her smartphone and social media in 10th grade, is now 19 and a freshman in college. She now tells me she’s grateful for all rules we had in place, but in my opinion, she’s on her phone too much now. While she was at home, I forbade her to get a TikTok account. Now she has one, despite all reasons I’ve given her for avoiding it. Everything in her life is photographed, videoed, and posted. I don’t understand this impulse. I love Mary Harrington’s idea of “digital modesty,” something my daughter lacks. But I suppose I can’t complain too much, because she has a lot of friends and is doing well in school.

Do you know when you will give your 15 yo a phone? I can feel the pain of your decision! I think my 15 yo son, deep down, wishes for a more screen-free life, but it’s hard for him to convince his friends to play board games or ride bikes or whatever. But for most things, he takes the path of least resistance. It’s easier to play a video game than do homework. It easier to watch YouTube than do chores or read a book or go for a run. Everything is about ease, comfort, and convenience. I would love to send him to boot camp.

Fight the good fight. You’re not alone!

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Melanie Hempe's avatar

"Everything in her life is photographed, videoed, and posted." This is why so many teens are so anxious. Imagine what that would have been like when we were teens? : ( Anxiety comes when we have no privacy.

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Melanie Hempe's avatar

We gave a basic phone (like a flip phone) at 15. My boys now at 19 think me for not giving them a smartphone or group texting when they were 15. It's true - kids appreciate firm boundaries. They had and still have so many friends and their friends were fine with them not having phones. Kids do stop making fun of kids without phones, usually by high school. They are in college now and choose on their own not to get social media – I think it is becoming less cool to have social media. Another option is to have a “house cell phone” that the kids share when needed for an outing or babysitting etc. They don’t need their own phone. Stay Strong…and hold off on that smartphone!

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Melanie Hempe's avatar

Kimberly, I agree with you "Constantly educate parents on why limiting screens is important. So many of them don't know." We have found that education is the only thing that really helps and when you can "educate in a group" and learn together it is even better! Jon's book and my new book/curriculum are both perfect for a parent book club. After that suggest the curriculum for your school so the kids can learn the basics. Stay Strong!

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Shannon Hood's avatar

“The tragedy of a screen-addicted child.” Thank you for speaking truth on this important issue. We seem to be the only ones in our circle who don’t give our children/teens smartphones, but I am unphased. Convenience and peer pressure certainty aren’t good enough reasons to change my mind. Hopefully more parents will have the courage to join us!

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Kimberly Lackey's avatar

Stay strong 💪🏻

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Jesse Thomas's avatar

It’s crazy. I can’t believe I’m such a tiny minority among parents of my kids. What are they thinking?

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Shannon Hood's avatar

It truly baffles my husband and I regularly. I hope books like this new one by Haidt can help turn the tide.

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Manny's avatar

The truth is parents are just as addicted, and its hypocritical to impose limits in that kind of situation.

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Jesse Thomas's avatar

That’s true. Maybe I should ditch my phone.

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Manny's avatar

My kid is 3 and he is now ultra aware of what doing on my phone. If I'm looking at a picture he asks about it, he takes my wifes phone cus he likes typing emojis. I already see how much it draws him in, and he hasnt even seen the best of it!

Scary.

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Jesse Thomas's avatar

No kidding. Sheesh.

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Melanie Hempe's avatar

Congrats on standing firm! It will pay off. No parent has ever been sad about not giving enough screen time! Stay unphased and Stay Strong!

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Kristine Neeley's avatar

Trying to be unphased here, too! Our minds won't be changed, but it doesn't mean I'm still not perplexed by it. Or that they think they can't change course!

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Blanch Ann's avatar

TOTALLY perplexing!! I really don’t get it.

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Ruth Gaskovski's avatar

Thanks for these clear and practical tips Melanie! Today's post was actually the topic of our dinner table conversation last evening.

Our teens (15,18) noted that friends who live the majority of their lives via screens seem to have the life-blood sucked from them, ever concerned with their brand, saying the right things, liking the right posts, all the while completely disengaged or distracted from their actual friends or surroundings. By not having had phones growing up (which came with its own struggles) and instead having cultivated conversational skills, physical activity, reading, creating, etc. they now have the skills that help them to encourage other friends to turn toward a reality-based existence.

It would be wonderful to hear from teens who are making these different choices so that others can follow in their footsteps.

Thanks for your wonderful and essential work!

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Melanie Hempe's avatar

"It would be wonderful to hear from teens who are making these different choices so that others can follow in their footsteps." Please listen to teens talk about growing up without smartphones on my ScreenStrong Families (weekly) Podcast #169 and #179 are both good. We have many teens at ScreenStrong!

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Ruth Gaskovski's avatar

Thanks for the recommendation Melanie - will be sure to give these a listen! Our children too have grown up without smartphones and are thankful that they have learned to engage in the real world are skilled conversationalists. What I am particularly curious about is teens who had been tethered to their phones/screens, but made a deliberate choice to change their habits (and how they navigated this change in relation to their peers). During Lent my husband Peco and I organized a "Communal Digital Fast" https://schooloftheunconformed.substack.com/p/fasting-from-the-virtual-feasting at School of the Unconformed and had a tremendous response from readers. We'll be sharing participants' experiences in our upcoming post and I was particularly happy to hear back from teens about the positive change in their daily lives. Thanks again :)

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Manny's avatar

I totally agree with life force, if you spend 8 hours consuming content (which many do - even adults ) thats 1/3 of your life.

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Benjamin Lira's avatar

Agreed!

However: "We gain clarity when we look past our own biases and blind spots and stop believing that our kids are immune to the screen “infection.” They are not. No one is. One common blind spot is that parents often confuse intelligence with maturity."

I think resisting social media temptation is not even a matter of maturity! I am an old person, and need to resort to blocking apps to avoid wasting more time that I would like to admit in these apps. They are designed to be supernormal stimuli.

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Rhymes With "Brass Seagull"'s avatar

"Supernormal stimuli" is probably the best way to describe these apps.

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Katherine Johnson Martinko's avatar

Thank you so much for this. I've long admired the sensible, practical approach you take, Melanie. My three kids (8, 12, 14) don't have smartphones or social media, and it's not an easy road to take, especially for my older one who's the only kid in 9th grade without a smartphone. It's so empowering for parents to realize that they CAN take control of this problem and choose to do things differently—and that they're not the only ones doing so.

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Blanch Ann's avatar

My freshman doesn’t have one either, and he’s the only kid in the high school without one.

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Melanie Hempe's avatar

good for you! (and him.)

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Nicole Anderson's avatar

My sons didn't get a smartphone until they were 16&18. They claim they were the only ones back then. They're 25&23 now. They don't hate me and still agree with my choice.

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Melanie Hempe's avatar

Stay Strong Katherine! You can do it - remember it is a lot harder for a teen to have a smartphone and deal with the drama than to not have one at all :) The short-term pain of not having one is nothing compared to a lifetime of anxiety and scars. Let's be different together!

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Jan Brogan's avatar

I completely agree with this. When I was raising my two kids, I was incredibly strict about television, which wasn't allowed except on weekend days, and we didn't have cable. After the initial struggle, they started taking the no-TV rule as a badge of honor and would comment negatively when they passed a house where you could see the TV was always on. It was incredibly helpful to their grades and my son also became a really good musician -- because he had SO MUCH TIME to practice.

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Becky Grant's avatar

I'm so grateful I found ScreenStrong 3 years ago. When I did, I got rid of my sons' video games and it was the best parenting decision I ever made. They have tons of interests now (instead of just Minecraft). Every weekend, they meet up with the neighborhood kids in our local park or at the school to play wall ball, football, or soccer. They are having an amazing childhood. I got my middle schooler a Gabb talk/text-only phone and it has been fantastic. I'm also educating other parents whenever I can. I appreciate Jon Haidt bringing so much attention to this issue. I've ordered The Anxious Generation and listened to all the podcasts on the book. Together, I believe we can turn the tide. And this will make it easier for all of us to say "no."

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Trinna's avatar

I’m so glad to see two of my favorite thinkers on this subject (Melanie and Jonathan) finally together in one space! I employee many of Melanie’s strategies at home but the hardest part is finding like-minded families. This is where I value Jonathan and Zach’s focus on collective action. Maybe, by working together, we’re getting a little closer to tipping the cultural scales on this, just like hand-washing in the 1800s and cigarette-smoking in the 1990s. Thank you for your advocacy, Melanie and Jonathan! Every movement needs its leaders.

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Melanie Hempe's avatar

Start by having a book club with our books and you will quickly find like-minded people. I have found that when we learn together it is much easier - you can also have a podcast club where you listen to our weekly podcast then discuss. Even just an 8 week commitment to do the student course together is enough to find your people :) Thank you, Trinna, for your kind encouraging words.

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TheOtherKC's avatar

Regarding "future tech skills": Gen Z is infamously *not* tech savvy, at least compared to those raised in an age where running a video game meant blowing dust out of cartridges or running a DOS command prompt. So smartphones aren't really teaching tech skills.

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Melanie Hempe's avatar

Most kids today don't even learn how to type well!

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Emily Thomas's avatar

This is excellent! Can't pick a favorite tip. Thank you, Melanie!

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Nadine's avatar

I agree with you,.but good luck. Parents are far too friendly and permissive with their children, so getting them to change is as much of a battle as anything. Children have ruled the roost and parents have ruled by fear for two generations now. And as your whole article states, it's up to the parents.

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Melanie Hempe's avatar

Yes, it is up to the parents - my oldest son got addicted to video games because we allowed it, it wasn’t his fault. Kids can’t parent themselves, especially on screens. When I realized that fact (finally) everything changed in our home for our younger kids – and life got so much more fun and easier! Imagine never arguing over screens again – that is really what happens when you take a different path and choose to be ScreenStrong!

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Nicole Anderson's avatar

I think that's why she included the tip that we're not their friends but their coaches. I agree that way too many parents, starting with Gen X are all about being friends Rather than parents.

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Melanie Hempe's avatar

Yes! Being a coach instead of a best friend parent solves so many problems! Thanks for pointing that out Nicole.

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Truth Warrior's avatar

I stumbled upon ScreenStrong in 2015 and am raising three kids without smartphones. Best thing I ever did. The research is ALL there and very clear. Parents cave to the pressure when “all the friends” have one. I want my kids to be able to stand apart from the crowd early on. Not having a smartphone helps them do that. They themselves know the science and research behind it and they don’t even want one.

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Kimberly Lackey's avatar

Would you mind sharing the ages of your children?

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Doug Martin's avatar

I love the your phrase "grateful that a permanent highlight reel of our stupidity doesn't exist".

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Kristine Neeley's avatar

Thankful for this!

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Suzanne S.'s avatar

Grateful to Haidt and Screen Strong! Keeping my teens strong and smart. Their friendships are real and they will continue to thrive without the dumbphone.

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Rhymes With "Brass Seagull"'s avatar

The real elephant in the room is that the *adults* are NOT alright. Anyone who thinks that arbitrary age gating and other such band-aids are on philosophically stable ground will soon find themselves eating crow. So if we really want to solve this all-ages collective action problem, how about we officially declare a state of emergency and quarantine all social media for "just two weeks". Also have a smartphone buyback program like they do for guns. I am only half-joking about that.

(As for phone-free schools, fine. And how about phone-free workplaces as well?)

Of course, those are not permanent solutions, only enough to break the spell that Big Tech has over We the People. We actually need to FIX the internet for good. We need to throw the proverbial One Ring into the fires of Mount Doom by passing comprehensive data privacy legislation for all ages, and especially banning surveillance advertising. We need to audit the algorithms and make them public. We need to rein in the deliberately addictive features and "frictionless sharing" of these platforms. And of course, we need to go antitrust on Big Tech as well. Yesterday.

To the adults in the room: the life you save may very well be your own.

(Mic drop)

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Blanch Ann's avatar

To your comment on the workplace…

I just returned to part — time healthcare work after a 12 year hiatus to stay home with my kids. I am flabbergasted that every therapist has a phone on their person at all times. The rehab department encourages therapists to text with each other throughout the day for communication.

Mind you, this is not a huge facility. We have regular phones and intercom. I find it completely baffling. And yes, of course, as you would expect, it is very easy to just pick up the phone to do this one little thing, while walking between patient rooms – or even during treatment!

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