I agree 100% with all of this. Every last word. My daughter didn’t get a smartphone until 10th grade, but she was homeschooled through 9th, so that made it easier. My son was homeschooled through 6th grade, but we didn’t give him a phone until the end of 9th. Up until then he had a dumb phone that looked like a smartphone. It was HARD. By the time he got his smartphone, he was most likely the last one in his class of a couple hundred to get one. He felt left out. I was sympathetic but I’d read too much and I knew the dangers. I passionately resented the culture for forcing me to pick between these two poisons. Furthermore, many teachers and clubs require smartphone use for turning in homework or for communication. When your student has to go the teacher and ask for alternatives, this, for a teen, is hard.
Even though his school requires phones to be left in the lockers, they still sneak them in the classroom. So many of the homework assignments are online, so he comes home and “has to” be on his laptop, where myriad distractions await. I have parental control software, but it’s not perfect. The battles are never ending. He is always always always pushing back on our boundaries and restrictions. He is always comparing himself to his friends, who, in his mind, live perfect, carefree lives with unlimited tech access and no rules. We try to reason with him, to help him understand, and either he is incapable of understanding the logic or he refuses to. This dominates our lives, I hate it, and I’m SO angry at tech companies for foisting this upon us.
I didn’t know many parents at his school, but the couple I did know were more conservative and delayed the phone a little longer than others. But eventually they caved. I have found that if the friends of my sons have older siblings, they get smartphones a lot earlier.
This situation we are in is not sustainable. We need a campaign to target school principals and administrators, like what Haidt suggests, but even further. No homework on laptops. Clubs shouldn't require smartphones or apps. Don't post grades or homework assignments on Canvas. Constantly educate parents on why limiting screens is important. So many of them don't know.
Sorry for rant, but I'm at the end of my rope. I will not, however, give in to my son's demands to have his phone in his room or give him unlimited internet access. I. Will. Not.
“The tragedy of a screen-addicted child.” Thank you for speaking truth on this important issue. We seem to be the only ones in our circle who don’t give our children/teens smartphones, but I am unphased. Convenience and peer pressure certainty aren’t good enough reasons to change my mind. Hopefully more parents will have the courage to join us!
Thanks for these clear and practical tips Melanie! Today's post was actually the topic of our dinner table conversation last evening.
Our teens (15,18) noted that friends who live the majority of their lives via screens seem to have the life-blood sucked from them, ever concerned with their brand, saying the right things, liking the right posts, all the while completely disengaged or distracted from their actual friends or surroundings. By not having had phones growing up (which came with its own struggles) and instead having cultivated conversational skills, physical activity, reading, creating, etc. they now have the skills that help them to encourage other friends to turn toward a reality-based existence.
It would be wonderful to hear from teens who are making these different choices so that others can follow in their footsteps.
However: "We gain clarity when we look past our own biases and blind spots and stop believing that our kids are immune to the screen “infection.” They are not. No one is. One common blind spot is that parents often confuse intelligence with maturity."
I think resisting social media temptation is not even a matter of maturity! I am an old person, and need to resort to blocking apps to avoid wasting more time that I would like to admit in these apps. They are designed to be supernormal stimuli.
I completely agree with this. When I was raising my two kids, I was incredibly strict about television, which wasn't allowed except on weekend days, and we didn't have cable. After the initial struggle, they started taking the no-TV rule as a badge of honor and would comment negatively when they passed a house where you could see the TV was always on. It was incredibly helpful to their grades and my son also became a really good musician -- because he had SO MUCH TIME to practice.
Thank you so much for this. I've long admired the sensible, practical approach you take, Melanie. My three kids (8, 12, 14) don't have smartphones or social media, and it's not an easy road to take, especially for my older one who's the only kid in 9th grade without a smartphone. It's so empowering for parents to realize that they CAN take control of this problem and choose to do things differently—and that they're not the only ones doing so.
I'm so grateful I found ScreenStrong 3 years ago. When I did, I got rid of my sons' video games and it was the best parenting decision I ever made. They have tons of interests now (instead of just Minecraft). Every weekend, they meet up with the neighborhood kids in our local park or at the school to play wall ball, football, or soccer. They are having an amazing childhood. I got my middle schooler a Gabb talk/text-only phone and it has been fantastic. I'm also educating other parents whenever I can. I appreciate Jon Haidt bringing so much attention to this issue. I've ordered The Anxious Generation and listened to all the podcasts on the book. Together, I believe we can turn the tide. And this will make it easier for all of us to say "no."
I’m so glad to see two of my favorite thinkers on this subject (Melanie and Jonathan) finally together in one space! I employee many of Melanie’s strategies at home but the hardest part is finding like-minded families. This is where I value Jonathan and Zach’s focus on collective action. Maybe, by working together, we’re getting a little closer to tipping the cultural scales on this, just like hand-washing in the 1800s and cigarette-smoking in the 1990s. Thank you for your advocacy, Melanie and Jonathan! Every movement needs its leaders.
"the case of handwashing in 1847—a doctor's groundbreaking discovery that handwashing could effectively prevent the spread of germs"
Dr. Semmelweiss, who proposed that women were dying of infections caused by doctors going from the morgue to the bedside without washing their hands, was literally ejected from the medical profession for implying that "gentlemen" (physicians) had dirty hands and were harming patients. He died destitute in an "insane asylum". The blowback against wise principled whistleblowers and Cassandras can be ferocious. Thanks to you all in the "wise tech" movement for your courage and desire to protect our children from harm. 👏
Regarding "future tech skills": Gen Z is infamously *not* tech savvy, at least compared to those raised in an age where running a video game meant blowing dust out of cartridges or running a DOS command prompt. So smartphones aren't really teaching tech skills.
I agree with you,.but good luck. Parents are far too friendly and permissive with their children, so getting them to change is as much of a battle as anything. Children have ruled the roost and parents have ruled by fear for two generations now. And as your whole article states, it's up to the parents.
I stumbled upon ScreenStrong in 2015 and am raising three kids without smartphones. Best thing I ever did. The research is ALL there and very clear. Parents cave to the pressure when “all the friends” have one. I want my kids to be able to stand apart from the crowd early on. Not having a smartphone helps them do that. They themselves know the science and research behind it and they don’t even want one.
Grateful to Haidt and Screen Strong! Keeping my teens strong and smart. Their friendships are real and they will continue to thrive without the dumbphone.
I agree 100% with all of this. Every last word. My daughter didn’t get a smartphone until 10th grade, but she was homeschooled through 9th, so that made it easier. My son was homeschooled through 6th grade, but we didn’t give him a phone until the end of 9th. Up until then he had a dumb phone that looked like a smartphone. It was HARD. By the time he got his smartphone, he was most likely the last one in his class of a couple hundred to get one. He felt left out. I was sympathetic but I’d read too much and I knew the dangers. I passionately resented the culture for forcing me to pick between these two poisons. Furthermore, many teachers and clubs require smartphone use for turning in homework or for communication. When your student has to go the teacher and ask for alternatives, this, for a teen, is hard.
Even though his school requires phones to be left in the lockers, they still sneak them in the classroom. So many of the homework assignments are online, so he comes home and “has to” be on his laptop, where myriad distractions await. I have parental control software, but it’s not perfect. The battles are never ending. He is always always always pushing back on our boundaries and restrictions. He is always comparing himself to his friends, who, in his mind, live perfect, carefree lives with unlimited tech access and no rules. We try to reason with him, to help him understand, and either he is incapable of understanding the logic or he refuses to. This dominates our lives, I hate it, and I’m SO angry at tech companies for foisting this upon us.
I didn’t know many parents at his school, but the couple I did know were more conservative and delayed the phone a little longer than others. But eventually they caved. I have found that if the friends of my sons have older siblings, they get smartphones a lot earlier.
This situation we are in is not sustainable. We need a campaign to target school principals and administrators, like what Haidt suggests, but even further. No homework on laptops. Clubs shouldn't require smartphones or apps. Don't post grades or homework assignments on Canvas. Constantly educate parents on why limiting screens is important. So many of them don't know.
Sorry for rant, but I'm at the end of my rope. I will not, however, give in to my son's demands to have his phone in his room or give him unlimited internet access. I. Will. Not.
“The tragedy of a screen-addicted child.” Thank you for speaking truth on this important issue. We seem to be the only ones in our circle who don’t give our children/teens smartphones, but I am unphased. Convenience and peer pressure certainty aren’t good enough reasons to change my mind. Hopefully more parents will have the courage to join us!
Thanks for these clear and practical tips Melanie! Today's post was actually the topic of our dinner table conversation last evening.
Our teens (15,18) noted that friends who live the majority of their lives via screens seem to have the life-blood sucked from them, ever concerned with their brand, saying the right things, liking the right posts, all the while completely disengaged or distracted from their actual friends or surroundings. By not having had phones growing up (which came with its own struggles) and instead having cultivated conversational skills, physical activity, reading, creating, etc. they now have the skills that help them to encourage other friends to turn toward a reality-based existence.
It would be wonderful to hear from teens who are making these different choices so that others can follow in their footsteps.
Thanks for your wonderful and essential work!
Agreed!
However: "We gain clarity when we look past our own biases and blind spots and stop believing that our kids are immune to the screen “infection.” They are not. No one is. One common blind spot is that parents often confuse intelligence with maturity."
I think resisting social media temptation is not even a matter of maturity! I am an old person, and need to resort to blocking apps to avoid wasting more time that I would like to admit in these apps. They are designed to be supernormal stimuli.
I completely agree with this. When I was raising my two kids, I was incredibly strict about television, which wasn't allowed except on weekend days, and we didn't have cable. After the initial struggle, they started taking the no-TV rule as a badge of honor and would comment negatively when they passed a house where you could see the TV was always on. It was incredibly helpful to their grades and my son also became a really good musician -- because he had SO MUCH TIME to practice.
Thank you so much for this. I've long admired the sensible, practical approach you take, Melanie. My three kids (8, 12, 14) don't have smartphones or social media, and it's not an easy road to take, especially for my older one who's the only kid in 9th grade without a smartphone. It's so empowering for parents to realize that they CAN take control of this problem and choose to do things differently—and that they're not the only ones doing so.
I'm so grateful I found ScreenStrong 3 years ago. When I did, I got rid of my sons' video games and it was the best parenting decision I ever made. They have tons of interests now (instead of just Minecraft). Every weekend, they meet up with the neighborhood kids in our local park or at the school to play wall ball, football, or soccer. They are having an amazing childhood. I got my middle schooler a Gabb talk/text-only phone and it has been fantastic. I'm also educating other parents whenever I can. I appreciate Jon Haidt bringing so much attention to this issue. I've ordered The Anxious Generation and listened to all the podcasts on the book. Together, I believe we can turn the tide. And this will make it easier for all of us to say "no."
I’m so glad to see two of my favorite thinkers on this subject (Melanie and Jonathan) finally together in one space! I employee many of Melanie’s strategies at home but the hardest part is finding like-minded families. This is where I value Jonathan and Zach’s focus on collective action. Maybe, by working together, we’re getting a little closer to tipping the cultural scales on this, just like hand-washing in the 1800s and cigarette-smoking in the 1990s. Thank you for your advocacy, Melanie and Jonathan! Every movement needs its leaders.
"the case of handwashing in 1847—a doctor's groundbreaking discovery that handwashing could effectively prevent the spread of germs"
Dr. Semmelweiss, who proposed that women were dying of infections caused by doctors going from the morgue to the bedside without washing their hands, was literally ejected from the medical profession for implying that "gentlemen" (physicians) had dirty hands and were harming patients. He died destitute in an "insane asylum". The blowback against wise principled whistleblowers and Cassandras can be ferocious. Thanks to you all in the "wise tech" movement for your courage and desire to protect our children from harm. 👏
Regarding "future tech skills": Gen Z is infamously *not* tech savvy, at least compared to those raised in an age where running a video game meant blowing dust out of cartridges or running a DOS command prompt. So smartphones aren't really teaching tech skills.
This is excellent! Can't pick a favorite tip. Thank you, Melanie!
I agree with you,.but good luck. Parents are far too friendly and permissive with their children, so getting them to change is as much of a battle as anything. Children have ruled the roost and parents have ruled by fear for two generations now. And as your whole article states, it's up to the parents.
I stumbled upon ScreenStrong in 2015 and am raising three kids without smartphones. Best thing I ever did. The research is ALL there and very clear. Parents cave to the pressure when “all the friends” have one. I want my kids to be able to stand apart from the crowd early on. Not having a smartphone helps them do that. They themselves know the science and research behind it and they don’t even want one.
I love the your phrase "grateful that a permanent highlight reel of our stupidity doesn't exist".
Thankful for this!
Grateful to Haidt and Screen Strong! Keeping my teens strong and smart. Their friendships are real and they will continue to thrive without the dumbphone.