Wife and I are in our 80's, and hence, had the good fortune to grow up in an analog world. We have eshewed a smart phone, but have a landline and keep a flip phone for emergencies. We have lots of books, and read aloud to each other often. We talk to each other and listen carefully.
We've been at this for nigh on 60 years.
From my perspective it's difficult to see how so many people become so ensorcelled by a device that's an attention-leech, that disengages them from others. It would seem to call for an intervention - an emergency meeting - whatever - that would wrest folks away from a device and into each other's embrace.
This is beautiful. I imagine many will read this comment and wish they were in your shoes. It's hard to imagine the addictive quality of phones and tech distractions. Thank you for your words.
Marc, your natural wisdom and ease are enviable for those in my cohort of marriage (I'm in my 30s). The phone is such a temptation of distraction... My husband and I are not on social media, have deleted most of the distracting apps from our phones, but we still struggle with attention throughout the day and at night... And we're almost ludites compared to most couples I know.
It's like Ed Tech infiltrating schools, so many of us are chained to technology through jobs and our social life and it makes it so difficult to put up meaningful boundaries between the outside world of distraction and intimacy.
I think you said it. You had the good fortune to grow up in a world without tech for six decades. That’s huge. Your foundations and habits had been built and laid. You didn’t have the tech to suck your attention away in your formative growing up, or even into your parenting years.
The reason these devices suck our attention is because they were designed to do so! They are incredibly convenient. Banking, shopping, communicating, driving directions, you name it. It’s all right there. We’ve traded so much for this convenience!
At nearly 50, I’m also very grateful that I had an analog childhood and was into my 30s before I got my first smart phone. My husband and I chose not to have a TV for the first year we were married so that we could have deeper conversations and long walks. We read books to each other too when we were first married 25 years ago.
Though the phone didn’t firm me in those early years, I’ll be damned if it’s not trying to form me now. When they came along, we didn’t know how addictive they would become!
In my house of 3 teens, we have to be very intentional about phone time. My kids don’t get phones until they’re driving age because we’re trying to stack as many analog years as we can. But still, within the first couple of years, I’ve watched both of my older kids really wrestle with setting boundaries on their phones in order to prioritize academics, sports, relationships, faith, you name it.
As you said it, interventions are necessary. We have them in our house regularly.
I grew up analog too, but have realized how additive the phone and ipad can be. I notice these patterns because I read a lot, and read newspapers and magazine articles, and a lot of substack articles, now on my iPad. My question is, reading at night is what a lot of people do….so is it substantively different that it’s on a screen and not paperback? Same for the morning news. I can remember seeing my dad every day reading the paper at breakfast, half listening to the conversation around us. I used to love the mornings when my husband and I sat at the table and both reading the paper, but it is different with screens. As the author notes, “checking out” is not new, but it is easier and more insidious now. And as hard as it is for our generation to unplug, how much harder it is going to be for everyone younger.
Wow, fascinating read how these micro-moments have such impact.
Remember a friend who was son of a busy dad that worked really hard with high cognitive load. When the son was around 20 he told his dad a joke in the car. The father started laughing and the son started crying. Later the son realized it was because his father was present for the first time in a long time.
Being present is the highest currency in a world full of distractions.
I have a wife and a teen son. We have tried to institute a new house rule, "One thing at at time." That is, when we are all watching a show on tv, we just watch that show and not scroll on phones or laptops. It was only after the "new rule" that I realized how distracted we had become. Changing that pattern is harder than it sounds.
Great piece. Thank you. You could also argue that the phone-based adulthood is doing this to most micro moments where connection used to happen in society, like talking to strangers at the store, or at a bus stop.
Thank you for this – this is true in my experience as well. It is interesting that some young people (in early to mid twenties) are now trying to protect themselves in advance from this. I have talked with a lot who are clear that before they get into a serious relationship – let alone become parents – they want to find strategies to restrict and limit their phone use. Many have learned the hard way, feeling the disconnect with their own parents and friends.
I'm so glad to hear this. It's almost like tobacco in a way... the previous generation didn't understand its damage... the generations coming up now understand it in a very new way.
Excellent writing, thank you. Reminds me of a quote from Brené Brown, during an interview with Esther Perel, "Attention is such an undervalued expression of love.”
I keep saying it: parental smartphone addiction is the elephant in the room in the whole discussion around kids & phones. Our actions speak louder than our words, and if we're not modeling healthy digital habits, how can we expect our kids to develop good habits?
I switched to a flip phone two years ago because relying on willpower to be more intentional around my phone use wasn't cutting it. I am here to tell you: this is easier than most people realize, and it is so liberating. I am still a functional member of society. I organize events in my community, have children in public school, and am a freelance copywriter/editor - all without a smartphone. More and more adults in this movement are switching to dumb phones - it can be done!
"Attention is the new fidelity" - the saddest part about this excellent piece is that the advice still leaves the "third person" between the couple. The division remains, it is merely managed or reduced. As long as couples are synchronized to their devices, rather than each other, true intimacy and attention fidelity will remain elusive.
It's so tricky, right? Because if we ask people to band their phones, it's unlikely anyone would do it... so we need to understand the small moves we can make to manage it vs take it away all together. That doesn't make it easy, though. This is a very distinct problem without a lot of easy solutions. That said, I do think that with the few simple ideas outlined here, we can do much better with our attention fidelity.
I couldn't agree more. Unfortunately, in so many well-intentioned articles like this, the solution proposed does not match the gravity of the problem. Why are we settling for only carving out a few times a day when we're not beholden to addictive technology? Why not reject addictive technology altogether, or at least explore the possibility?
Highly recommend this excellent Ted Talk from Gabriela Nguyen, an inspirational Gen Z woman who ditched both social media and her smartphone--and lived to tell the story: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tslzTC3nt_0
Ralph Nader nailed it years ago. "The modern opiate of the masses is the smart phone". Worst of all, the people who control the "smart phone" are the best psych trained people in mind control, employed to control you in way's that not obvious to you. Orwell couldn't imagine this. Edward Bernays couldn't imagine this but he would be proud of his students. This is worse than religion in the middle ages with the total mind control of the time.
Such a good quote... I wish more realized this reality:
"If you don’t decide where your attention goes, Meta, Apple, and OpenAI will decide for you. The attention economy doesn’t need your relationship to fail; it just needs your partner to be unavailable, a hundred times a day, forever."
If this holds true, that does not turn out well for human to human in person relationships...
What we are competing with is a real threat. I wish there were actual couples classes that focused on this topic that couples could take together, with other couples. Individuals too. This is not what my parents had to navigate... :(
It is so wild that we have to constantly remind ourselves that so much of what we are experiencing nobody has experienced before us. A bit hard to comprehend, IMO. Relationship maintenance might take on a new meaning with all of this.
"Many of us carry our phones into the places where intimacy used to live..." Brilliant prose! Speaking from the perspective of a successful marriage that has lasted nearly 60 years, I heartily endorse this author's perspective. And I ask you, how "smart" is it to pay what you are paying, both in money and in attention, for your gizmo? My wife and I both spend a fair amount of time in front of a desktop or laptop computer, but for phoning we have a landline and a couple of flip phones that cost around $50 on Amazon and get good service for $6 monthly. So how dumb is that?
I think there's another unhealthy dynamic here. Some people may see their partners' attempts to get through to them as controlling. "Lay down your phone when you're with me" may come through as hostility, aggression, abuse. People these days tend to see the world divided sharply into refugees and aggressors, and they may be too quick to see their partner as an aggressor when that partner tries to evict them out of their digital refuge. I am happy to see voices like this, arguing the "please give me attention" position, but I feel like there are a lot more "my attention is mine, I'm not giving it to you unless I choose to" voices, even in committed relationships. It's a very hard knot to untie.
I agree that it's such a tricky knot to untie. I actually created a pdf if you're interested that goes more into HOW to actually say the thing you want to say without it being an attack and really inviting someone into the conversation with you. Feel free to check it out if it seems like it could be useful for you: https://repair.bayavoce.com/lonely-next-to-you-1
A relationship is strengthened because of constancy. We don't have to be together at all times, but at all KINDS of times. Our socially excepted phone escapism has narrowed that constancy dramatically. In the car, after work, in bed at night. When you're stressed, when you're happy, when your annoyed. Our phones have a frictionless 'fix' for each occasion, and our relationships suffer.
I completely agree with what you're saying... the distraction is everywhere and it has always been everywhere. The difference with phones is that we carry them with us and they basically never leave our sides. So even though we've always had a way to distract ourselves, now the distraction possibilities are endless and live right next to many of us at all times. Thanks so much for your comment.
Or do what my wife does and ignore my phone and move in anyway. Between the two, the choice is always easy. A phone is a thing and it should be treated as such
Wife and I are in our 80's, and hence, had the good fortune to grow up in an analog world. We have eshewed a smart phone, but have a landline and keep a flip phone for emergencies. We have lots of books, and read aloud to each other often. We talk to each other and listen carefully.
We've been at this for nigh on 60 years.
From my perspective it's difficult to see how so many people become so ensorcelled by a device that's an attention-leech, that disengages them from others. It would seem to call for an intervention - an emergency meeting - whatever - that would wrest folks away from a device and into each other's embrace.
This is beautiful. I imagine many will read this comment and wish they were in your shoes. It's hard to imagine the addictive quality of phones and tech distractions. Thank you for your words.
Marc, your natural wisdom and ease are enviable for those in my cohort of marriage (I'm in my 30s). The phone is such a temptation of distraction... My husband and I are not on social media, have deleted most of the distracting apps from our phones, but we still struggle with attention throughout the day and at night... And we're almost ludites compared to most couples I know.
It's like Ed Tech infiltrating schools, so many of us are chained to technology through jobs and our social life and it makes it so difficult to put up meaningful boundaries between the outside world of distraction and intimacy.
Feeling this deeply!
I think you said it. You had the good fortune to grow up in a world without tech for six decades. That’s huge. Your foundations and habits had been built and laid. You didn’t have the tech to suck your attention away in your formative growing up, or even into your parenting years.
The reason these devices suck our attention is because they were designed to do so! They are incredibly convenient. Banking, shopping, communicating, driving directions, you name it. It’s all right there. We’ve traded so much for this convenience!
At nearly 50, I’m also very grateful that I had an analog childhood and was into my 30s before I got my first smart phone. My husband and I chose not to have a TV for the first year we were married so that we could have deeper conversations and long walks. We read books to each other too when we were first married 25 years ago.
Though the phone didn’t firm me in those early years, I’ll be damned if it’s not trying to form me now. When they came along, we didn’t know how addictive they would become!
In my house of 3 teens, we have to be very intentional about phone time. My kids don’t get phones until they’re driving age because we’re trying to stack as many analog years as we can. But still, within the first couple of years, I’ve watched both of my older kids really wrestle with setting boundaries on their phones in order to prioritize academics, sports, relationships, faith, you name it.
As you said it, interventions are necessary. We have them in our house regularly.
I grew up analog too, but have realized how additive the phone and ipad can be. I notice these patterns because I read a lot, and read newspapers and magazine articles, and a lot of substack articles, now on my iPad. My question is, reading at night is what a lot of people do….so is it substantively different that it’s on a screen and not paperback? Same for the morning news. I can remember seeing my dad every day reading the paper at breakfast, half listening to the conversation around us. I used to love the mornings when my husband and I sat at the table and both reading the paper, but it is different with screens. As the author notes, “checking out” is not new, but it is easier and more insidious now. And as hard as it is for our generation to unplug, how much harder it is going to be for everyone younger.
Wow, fascinating read how these micro-moments have such impact.
Remember a friend who was son of a busy dad that worked really hard with high cognitive load. When the son was around 20 he told his dad a joke in the car. The father started laughing and the son started crying. Later the son realized it was because his father was present for the first time in a long time.
Being present is the highest currency in a world full of distractions.
Wow, that's such a simple and powerful moment. Thanks for sharing.
I have a wife and a teen son. We have tried to institute a new house rule, "One thing at at time." That is, when we are all watching a show on tv, we just watch that show and not scroll on phones or laptops. It was only after the "new rule" that I realized how distracted we had become. Changing that pattern is harder than it sounds.
I LOVE this rule!
Great piece. Thank you. You could also argue that the phone-based adulthood is doing this to most micro moments where connection used to happen in society, like talking to strangers at the store, or at a bus stop.
100%. That's absolutely right. Same experience in daily moments outside of close relationships.
Thank you for this – this is true in my experience as well. It is interesting that some young people (in early to mid twenties) are now trying to protect themselves in advance from this. I have talked with a lot who are clear that before they get into a serious relationship – let alone become parents – they want to find strategies to restrict and limit their phone use. Many have learned the hard way, feeling the disconnect with their own parents and friends.
I'm so glad to hear this. It's almost like tobacco in a way... the previous generation didn't understand its damage... the generations coming up now understand it in a very new way.
Thank you so much – I’m glad to hear it too!
Excellent writing, thank you. Reminds me of a quote from Brené Brown, during an interview with Esther Perel, "Attention is such an undervalued expression of love.”
I LOVE that quote. It rings so true.
I keep saying it: parental smartphone addiction is the elephant in the room in the whole discussion around kids & phones. Our actions speak louder than our words, and if we're not modeling healthy digital habits, how can we expect our kids to develop good habits?
I switched to a flip phone two years ago because relying on willpower to be more intentional around my phone use wasn't cutting it. I am here to tell you: this is easier than most people realize, and it is so liberating. I am still a functional member of society. I organize events in my community, have children in public school, and am a freelance copywriter/editor - all without a smartphone. More and more adults in this movement are switching to dumb phones - it can be done!
"Attention is the new fidelity" - the saddest part about this excellent piece is that the advice still leaves the "third person" between the couple. The division remains, it is merely managed or reduced. As long as couples are synchronized to their devices, rather than each other, true intimacy and attention fidelity will remain elusive.
It's so tricky, right? Because if we ask people to band their phones, it's unlikely anyone would do it... so we need to understand the small moves we can make to manage it vs take it away all together. That doesn't make it easy, though. This is a very distinct problem without a lot of easy solutions. That said, I do think that with the few simple ideas outlined here, we can do much better with our attention fidelity.
I couldn't agree more. Unfortunately, in so many well-intentioned articles like this, the solution proposed does not match the gravity of the problem. Why are we settling for only carving out a few times a day when we're not beholden to addictive technology? Why not reject addictive technology altogether, or at least explore the possibility?
Highly recommend this excellent Ted Talk from Gabriela Nguyen, an inspirational Gen Z woman who ditched both social media and her smartphone--and lived to tell the story: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tslzTC3nt_0
Ralph Nader nailed it years ago. "The modern opiate of the masses is the smart phone". Worst of all, the people who control the "smart phone" are the best psych trained people in mind control, employed to control you in way's that not obvious to you. Orwell couldn't imagine this. Edward Bernays couldn't imagine this but he would be proud of his students. This is worse than religion in the middle ages with the total mind control of the time.
Such a good quote... I wish more realized this reality:
"If you don’t decide where your attention goes, Meta, Apple, and OpenAI will decide for you. The attention economy doesn’t need your relationship to fail; it just needs your partner to be unavailable, a hundred times a day, forever."
If this holds true, that does not turn out well for human to human in person relationships...
What we are competing with is a real threat. I wish there were actual couples classes that focused on this topic that couples could take together, with other couples. Individuals too. This is not what my parents had to navigate... :(
It's not what anyone has ever had to navigate so it truly is new terrain for all of us. I also want those classes!
It is so wild that we have to constantly remind ourselves that so much of what we are experiencing nobody has experienced before us. A bit hard to comprehend, IMO. Relationship maintenance might take on a new meaning with all of this.
"Many of us carry our phones into the places where intimacy used to live..." Brilliant prose! Speaking from the perspective of a successful marriage that has lasted nearly 60 years, I heartily endorse this author's perspective. And I ask you, how "smart" is it to pay what you are paying, both in money and in attention, for your gizmo? My wife and I both spend a fair amount of time in front of a desktop or laptop computer, but for phoning we have a landline and a couple of flip phones that cost around $50 on Amazon and get good service for $6 monthly. So how dumb is that?
I love that you have a landline and flip phones that you use!
I think there's another unhealthy dynamic here. Some people may see their partners' attempts to get through to them as controlling. "Lay down your phone when you're with me" may come through as hostility, aggression, abuse. People these days tend to see the world divided sharply into refugees and aggressors, and they may be too quick to see their partner as an aggressor when that partner tries to evict them out of their digital refuge. I am happy to see voices like this, arguing the "please give me attention" position, but I feel like there are a lot more "my attention is mine, I'm not giving it to you unless I choose to" voices, even in committed relationships. It's a very hard knot to untie.
I agree that it's such a tricky knot to untie. I actually created a pdf if you're interested that goes more into HOW to actually say the thing you want to say without it being an attack and really inviting someone into the conversation with you. Feel free to check it out if it seems like it could be useful for you: https://repair.bayavoce.com/lonely-next-to-you-1
A phenomenal article. Well written, Baya.
A relationship is strengthened because of constancy. We don't have to be together at all times, but at all KINDS of times. Our socially excepted phone escapism has narrowed that constancy dramatically. In the car, after work, in bed at night. When you're stressed, when you're happy, when your annoyed. Our phones have a frictionless 'fix' for each occasion, and our relationships suffer.
Baya, thank you.
I'm so glad this article landed for you. Thanks so much for your comment.
Screen-based relating, as a Gen Xer, has been a norm my whole life.
Walking into homes, businesses, waiting rooms with a TV that's always on.
At a gas pump, as soon as you start a transaction, a screen kicks on to arrest your attention for those few moments of stillness and waiting.
If it wasn't screens, it was the radio or paper. Phones have replaced TVs, portable cassette/CD players, books, catalogs, magazines, and newspapers.
There's has been a way to check out of present company and the present moment for a long time.
I completely agree with what you're saying... the distraction is everywhere and it has always been everywhere. The difference with phones is that we carry them with us and they basically never leave our sides. So even though we've always had a way to distract ourselves, now the distraction possibilities are endless and live right next to many of us at all times. Thanks so much for your comment.
An LLM wrote this. Disappointing. It's an important subject.
Or do what my wife does and ignore my phone and move in anyway. Between the two, the choice is always easy. A phone is a thing and it should be treated as such