Wow, fascinating read how these micro-moments have such impact.
Remember a friend who was son of a busy dad that worked really hard with high cognitive load. When the son was around 20 he told his dad a joke in the car. The father started laughing and the son started crying. Later the son realized it was because his father was present for the first time in a long time.
Being present is the highest currency in a world full of distractions.
Wife and I are in our 80's, and hence, had the good fortune to grow up in an analog world. We have eshewed a smart phone, but have a landline and keep a flip phone for emergencies. We have lots of books, and read aloud to each other often. We talk to each other and listen carefully.
We've been at this for nigh on 60 years.
From my perspective it's difficult to see how so many people become so ensorcelled by a device that's an attention-leech, that disengages them from others. It would seem to call for an intervention - an emergency meeting - whatever - that would wrest folks away from a device and into each other's embrace.
This is beautiful. I imagine many will read this comment and wish they were in your shoes. It's hard to imagine the addictive quality of phones and tech distractions. Thank you for your words.
Marc, your natural wisdom and ease are enviable for those in my cohort of marriage (I'm in my 30s). The phone is such a temptation of distraction... My husband and I are not on social media, have deleted most of the distracting apps from our phones, but we still struggle with attention throughout the day and at night... And we're almost ludites compared to most couples I know.
It's like Ed Tech infiltrating schools, so many of us are chained to technology through jobs and our social life and it makes it so difficult to put up meaningful boundaries between the outside world of distraction and intimacy.
I think you said it. You had the good fortune to grow up in a world without tech for six decades. That’s huge. Your foundations and habits had been built and laid. You didn’t have the tech to suck your attention away in your formative growing up, or even into your parenting years.
The reason these devices suck our attention is because they were designed to do so! They are incredibly convenient. Banking, shopping, communicating, driving directions, you name it. It’s all right there. We’ve traded so much for this convenience!
At nearly 50, I’m also very grateful that I had an analog childhood and was into my 30s before I got my first smart phone. My husband and I chose not to have a TV for the first year we were married so that we could have deeper conversations and long walks. We read books to each other too when we were first married 25 years ago.
Though the phone didn’t firm me in those early years, I’ll be damned if it’s not trying to form me now. When they came along, we didn’t know how addictive they would become!
In my house of 3 teens, we have to be very intentional about phone time. My kids don’t get phones until they’re driving age because we’re trying to stack as many analog years as we can. But still, within the first couple of years, I’ve watched both of my older kids really wrestle with setting boundaries on their phones in order to prioritize academics, sports, relationships, faith, you name it.
As you said it, interventions are necessary. We have them in our house regularly.
I have a wife and a teen son. We have tried to institute a new house rule, "One thing at at time." That is, when we are all watching a show on tv, we just watch that show and not scroll on phones or laptops. It was only after the "new rule" that I realized how distracted we had become. Changing that pattern is harder than it sounds.
Great piece. Thank you. You could also argue that the phone-based adulthood is doing this to most micro moments where connection used to happen in society, like talking to strangers at the store, or at a bus stop.
Thank you for this – this is true in my experience as well. It is interesting that some young people (in early to mid twenties) are now trying to protect themselves in advance from this. I have talked with a lot who are clear that before they get into a serious relationship – let alone become parents – they want to find strategies to restrict and limit their phone use. Many have learned the hard way, feeling the disconnect with their own parents and friends.
I'm so glad to hear this. It's almost like tobacco in a way... the previous generation didn't understand its damage... the generations coming up now understand it in a very new way.
Excellent writing, thank you. Reminds me of a quote from Brené Brown, during an interview with Esther Perel, "Attention is such an undervalued expression of love.”
"Attention is the new fidelity" - the saddest part about this excellent piece is that the advice still leaves the "third person" between the couple. The division remains, it is merely managed or reduced. As long as couples are synchronized to their devices, rather than each other, true intimacy and attention fidelity will remain elusive.
It's so tricky, right? Because if we ask people to band their phones, it's unlikely anyone would do it... so we need to understand the small moves we can make to manage it vs take it away all together. That doesn't make it easy, though. This is a very distinct problem without a lot of easy solutions. That said, I do think that with the few simple ideas outlined here, we can do much better with our attention fidelity.
"Many of us carry our phones into the places where intimacy used to live..." Brilliant prose! Speaking from the perspective of a successful marriage that has lasted nearly 60 years, I heartily endorse this author's perspective. And I ask you, how "smart" is it to pay what you are paying, both in money and in attention, for your gizmo? My wife and I both spend a fair amount of time in front of a desktop or laptop computer, but for phoning we have a landline and a couple of flip phones that cost around $50 on Amazon and get good service for $6 monthly. So how dumb is that?
I keep saying it: parental smartphone addiction is the elephant in the room in the whole discussion around kids & phones. Our actions speak louder than our words, and if we're not modeling healthy digital habits, how can we expect our kids to develop good habits?
I switched to a flip phone two years ago because relying on willpower to be more intentional around my phone use wasn't cutting it. I am here to tell you: this is easier than most people realize, and it is so liberating. I am still a functional member of society. I organize events in my community, have children in public school, and am a freelance copywriter/editor - all without a smartphone. More and more adults in this movement are switching to dumb phones - it can be done!
A relationship is strengthened because of constancy. We don't have to be together at all times, but at all KINDS of times. Our socially excepted phone escapism has narrowed that constancy dramatically. In the car, after work, in bed at night. When you're stressed, when you're happy, when your annoyed. Our phones have a frictionless 'fix' for each occasion, and our relationships suffer.
I completely agree with what you're saying... the distraction is everywhere and it has always been everywhere. The difference with phones is that we carry them with us and they basically never leave our sides. So even though we've always had a way to distract ourselves, now the distraction possibilities are endless and live right next to many of us at all times. Thanks so much for your comment.
Interesting that in the same article you decry the phone and the wedge that is driving between couples and invite us to subscribe to a means of further driving that wedge between us. Seems a bit contradictory.
Wow, fascinating read how these micro-moments have such impact.
Remember a friend who was son of a busy dad that worked really hard with high cognitive load. When the son was around 20 he told his dad a joke in the car. The father started laughing and the son started crying. Later the son realized it was because his father was present for the first time in a long time.
Being present is the highest currency in a world full of distractions.
Wow, that's such a simple and powerful moment. Thanks for sharing.
Wife and I are in our 80's, and hence, had the good fortune to grow up in an analog world. We have eshewed a smart phone, but have a landline and keep a flip phone for emergencies. We have lots of books, and read aloud to each other often. We talk to each other and listen carefully.
We've been at this for nigh on 60 years.
From my perspective it's difficult to see how so many people become so ensorcelled by a device that's an attention-leech, that disengages them from others. It would seem to call for an intervention - an emergency meeting - whatever - that would wrest folks away from a device and into each other's embrace.
This is beautiful. I imagine many will read this comment and wish they were in your shoes. It's hard to imagine the addictive quality of phones and tech distractions. Thank you for your words.
Marc, your natural wisdom and ease are enviable for those in my cohort of marriage (I'm in my 30s). The phone is such a temptation of distraction... My husband and I are not on social media, have deleted most of the distracting apps from our phones, but we still struggle with attention throughout the day and at night... And we're almost ludites compared to most couples I know.
It's like Ed Tech infiltrating schools, so many of us are chained to technology through jobs and our social life and it makes it so difficult to put up meaningful boundaries between the outside world of distraction and intimacy.
Feeling this deeply!
I think you said it. You had the good fortune to grow up in a world without tech for six decades. That’s huge. Your foundations and habits had been built and laid. You didn’t have the tech to suck your attention away in your formative growing up, or even into your parenting years.
The reason these devices suck our attention is because they were designed to do so! They are incredibly convenient. Banking, shopping, communicating, driving directions, you name it. It’s all right there. We’ve traded so much for this convenience!
At nearly 50, I’m also very grateful that I had an analog childhood and was into my 30s before I got my first smart phone. My husband and I chose not to have a TV for the first year we were married so that we could have deeper conversations and long walks. We read books to each other too when we were first married 25 years ago.
Though the phone didn’t firm me in those early years, I’ll be damned if it’s not trying to form me now. When they came along, we didn’t know how addictive they would become!
In my house of 3 teens, we have to be very intentional about phone time. My kids don’t get phones until they’re driving age because we’re trying to stack as many analog years as we can. But still, within the first couple of years, I’ve watched both of my older kids really wrestle with setting boundaries on their phones in order to prioritize academics, sports, relationships, faith, you name it.
As you said it, interventions are necessary. We have them in our house regularly.
I have a wife and a teen son. We have tried to institute a new house rule, "One thing at at time." That is, when we are all watching a show on tv, we just watch that show and not scroll on phones or laptops. It was only after the "new rule" that I realized how distracted we had become. Changing that pattern is harder than it sounds.
I LOVE this rule!
Great piece. Thank you. You could also argue that the phone-based adulthood is doing this to most micro moments where connection used to happen in society, like talking to strangers at the store, or at a bus stop.
100%. That's absolutely right. Same experience in daily moments outside of close relationships.
Thank you for this – this is true in my experience as well. It is interesting that some young people (in early to mid twenties) are now trying to protect themselves in advance from this. I have talked with a lot who are clear that before they get into a serious relationship – let alone become parents – they want to find strategies to restrict and limit their phone use. Many have learned the hard way, feeling the disconnect with their own parents and friends.
I'm so glad to hear this. It's almost like tobacco in a way... the previous generation didn't understand its damage... the generations coming up now understand it in a very new way.
Excellent writing, thank you. Reminds me of a quote from Brené Brown, during an interview with Esther Perel, "Attention is such an undervalued expression of love.”
I LOVE that quote. It rings so true.
"Attention is the new fidelity" - the saddest part about this excellent piece is that the advice still leaves the "third person" between the couple. The division remains, it is merely managed or reduced. As long as couples are synchronized to their devices, rather than each other, true intimacy and attention fidelity will remain elusive.
It's so tricky, right? Because if we ask people to band their phones, it's unlikely anyone would do it... so we need to understand the small moves we can make to manage it vs take it away all together. That doesn't make it easy, though. This is a very distinct problem without a lot of easy solutions. That said, I do think that with the few simple ideas outlined here, we can do much better with our attention fidelity.
"Many of us carry our phones into the places where intimacy used to live..." Brilliant prose! Speaking from the perspective of a successful marriage that has lasted nearly 60 years, I heartily endorse this author's perspective. And I ask you, how "smart" is it to pay what you are paying, both in money and in attention, for your gizmo? My wife and I both spend a fair amount of time in front of a desktop or laptop computer, but for phoning we have a landline and a couple of flip phones that cost around $50 on Amazon and get good service for $6 monthly. So how dumb is that?
I love that you have a landline and flip phones that you use!
I keep saying it: parental smartphone addiction is the elephant in the room in the whole discussion around kids & phones. Our actions speak louder than our words, and if we're not modeling healthy digital habits, how can we expect our kids to develop good habits?
I switched to a flip phone two years ago because relying on willpower to be more intentional around my phone use wasn't cutting it. I am here to tell you: this is easier than most people realize, and it is so liberating. I am still a functional member of society. I organize events in my community, have children in public school, and am a freelance copywriter/editor - all without a smartphone. More and more adults in this movement are switching to dumb phones - it can be done!
A phenomenal article. Well written, Baya.
A relationship is strengthened because of constancy. We don't have to be together at all times, but at all KINDS of times. Our socially excepted phone escapism has narrowed that constancy dramatically. In the car, after work, in bed at night. When you're stressed, when you're happy, when your annoyed. Our phones have a frictionless 'fix' for each occasion, and our relationships suffer.
Baya, thank you.
I'm so glad this article landed for you. Thanks so much for your comment.
Screen-based relating, as a Gen Xer, has been a norm my whole life.
Walking into homes, businesses, waiting rooms with a TV that's always on.
At a gas pump, as soon as you start a transaction, a screen kicks on to arrest your attention for those few moments of stillness and waiting.
If it wasn't screens, it was the radio or paper. Phones have replaced TVs, portable cassette/CD players, books, catalogs, magazines, and newspapers.
There's has been a way to check out of present company and the present moment for a long time.
I completely agree with what you're saying... the distraction is everywhere and it has always been everywhere. The difference with phones is that we carry them with us and they basically never leave our sides. So even though we've always had a way to distract ourselves, now the distraction possibilities are endless and live right next to many of us at all times. Thanks so much for your comment.
This message is so important and needed! Thank you, Baya!
Thank you for sharing, this needed to be said. Wrote something adjacent to this, curious your thoughts:https://countertaste.substack.com/p/texting-makes-everyone-slightly-insufferable?utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=web
Interesting that in the same article you decry the phone and the wedge that is driving between couples and invite us to subscribe to a means of further driving that wedge between us. Seems a bit contradictory.
An LLM wrote this. Disappointing. It's an important subject.