These boyfriends taking all the pictures need to find their balls and tell the girlfriends that enough is enough. I can't imagine going on vacation only to have a full time job of snapping pics so that my GF can get more dicks to follow her. In my opinion the men are the problem here. People will treat you how you allow them to treat you. These men could put a stop to it in a heartbeat
Def some truth here. My daughter was out on a first date and the guy chose some place that was very popular to go to for Insta pics. She asked why he picked the place and he said "I thought that's what all the girls were into". The good thing here is my daughter set him straight.
That's good news. However, it is common enough for Freya to write this piece about it, with abundant supporting evidence. The message is to spot the syndrome and avoid it, both as women and men.
But what Freya is really writing about is returning to a state of presence that isn’t dictated by a contrived social media image. More than when at a beautiful place with your bf/gf, one should embrace the moment with presence and mutual appreciation. It’s a general shift in priorities that is needed.
Social media has a place but it is not reality. Reality is not tidy and perfect, it is messy and complicated...but we want the illusion, sadly enough. I will take flawed and real over Instagram "perfect" any day. I am not on Insta in any way. Substack is real for me, up, down and sideways.
Dunno, why do these guys put up with these girls? Guessing they're probably pretty hot, hence the desire to show themselves off constantly. I used to see them on LinkedIn back when it was A Thing, and it still is, to a lesser extent today. Young people, mostly women, some men, finding any excuse to take an attractive picture of themselves and engage in some humblebragging. I remember one very pretty young woman who always took photos of herself with her eyes wide open, looking surprised; she had very pretty eyes to begin with and she was trying to enhance them. I think I commented one time, "Do they not have cameras in your country? Why do you always look so surprised when you see one?"
I mean, if I was one of these boyfriends I think I'd want a girl who was a lot less into herself.
I am old. A bunch of older couples sitting around a dinner table at a party and someone takes a photo. Not for Instagram, just as a reminder of the night. The photo is taken and there are four wrinkly old guys, human equivalents of Sharpei dogs, with normal sized eyes, and five women (the fifth guy is taking the picture) also wrinkly but their eyes are wide wide open, which looks silly. The silly part is they look far better with normal eyes. The other thing is healthy nice looking women, active, in shape, but 65-70, can still be quite attractive…at least to old guys. They go to a party and CAKE makeup on themselves to smooth out the wrinkles. This makes them look 10 years OLDER. Not younger. You get these ridiculous photos where women cake themselves in makeup, which makes them look older, and then they widen their eyes as if they are in shock, but with big smiles. Those same women in yoga pants, no makeup, and smiling normally can look pretty good. Women! You can’t live with ‘em. You can’t live without them.
I hear EXACTLY what you're saying. I've noted for many years how awful many insecure, older women look when they cake on the crap. I'm like, I never want to be like that! I need to age gracefully (here I go!) and not do stuff that makes me look like these other ladies who I want to give a makeover ;)
Keep going , Grow! I am almost 72. Life does not just go away if you are an Elder. It grows as you do and as you engage from your own life experience. That is what I write about and so do so many of us fellow Substack writers!!
"Hotness" is way over-rated. Hot becomes cold, remember? Just be a real human being who cares about something other than yourself and you may just find some good people.
No, but it's funny how it's mostly hot people (mostly women, but some men) are the most inclined to post hot, Photoshopped if necessary, photos of themselves ad nauseum...
That exists and is natural, but like most of our Tech-derived crises, a tolerable aspect of human nature is amplified to serious detriment and made more widespread. Men shouldn't be conformed to womans' ways, as is occurring in techno-industrial societies.
Men are being conformed and women aren't? I'm not agreeing or disagreeing with Sol's comment. Just think that it's equally simplistic to say women have no agency because of society as it is to say men have no agency and are being conformed or forced to. Both sexes are under social pressures but both also exert social pressure. It's a dance men and women have been doing for millenia. But when you find someone's behavior unappealing it is fair to point it out and discuss it, but no one will have sympathy if you are also the enabler of it, especially when there are other options, which in this case there are.
Stephanie, it is indeed a dance between male and female, for all of human history, complex, difficult and yet magical at times. Attraction and "chemistry" cannot be intellectually understood, it does have to be felt and experienced. No accounting for chemistry, you feel it or you do not. The surface stuff matters in part but the inner chemistry, a resonating with another human being, that is a depth of things that we need more and more, the older we get. Surface stuff gets VERY old.
A lot of the replies to this comment are harsh to the men, the women, or both in this equation. What if it's quite a bit simpler, in some cases, than the gender politics you propose? What if this behavior simply seems inevitable and appropriate to both partners, because both believe in the importance of social media to a social life? What if the man, in fact, loves the woman and doesn't want to "damage" this apparently crucial part of her life by refusing to support it?
People do irrational things they don't like all the time simply because they feel or believe them to be important - with or without evidence to support the feeling. This may well fall in that category.
Agree but I don't think that these men need to "find their balls" or that they are "pussy whipped" (quoted from below response). It's deeper than that. They like these girls because they're probably hot. The phenomenon to constantly need affirmation that you're attractive and take these photos was usually to get the attention of men. And yes, a lot of the monetization of Instagram is marketing by women to women, but it is to sell products that supposedly will make them more attractive to men. If men weren't ultimately incentivizing this behavior, it wouldn't happen. They (the type of men taking these pictures, that is) are getting exactly what they asked for. I have very little sympathy. In this dating economy "dateable men" are harder and harder for women to find. These "high value men" have options. Women aren't all on Instagram in this way and if the only ones attractive enough to be worthy are there, then these men set their priorities. I'm not saying men shouldn't care about looks. That's always been a reality. Not in denial about it, but men have a lot of power in this dynamic. The world has too many real problems to worry about self imposed ones.
What do you mean by "dateable?" Does that just mean beefcake, and has money and will spend it on you? If so women need to be less shallow materialistic cretins!
Indeed. The only response to these requests from a self-respecting male would be something along of the lines is "The only pic I'll click sweets is one of you doing something to my d-ck."
Appreciate your passion on this topic Michelle. I wonder if you've ever considered whether the expression to GROW A PAIR! is particularly helpful especially when shouted like this. I know of no real expression that is levelled at women in the same 'calling out' way that has been made culturally acceptable. And in the pursuit of equality, I wonder if there should be? I don't really think so as I personally don't think it's a helpful expression. I wonder how it would go if a man ever demanded that a woman "GROW A PAIR OF OVARIES!"... actually I don't wonder. 'Grow a pair' and the seemingly freely ordained right for women to use it feels kinda hurtful as an expression, especially in the way it's used. Or do you know of terms like this that are acceptable to order/demand/shout at women to somehow toughen up/grow up.
Men and women have different roles, women don't need to toughen up and men can't be pussies with no balls. We don't make kids and adults act the same, and women can be scared and stay safe but a man has to ("grow a pair" and) go kill the (e.g.) wasps at personal risk.
I also think that bluntly said like this it isn’t useful. Besides that it can also try to shift all the blame on the boyfriend (but I didn’t read it as such either).
But at least here we know exactly what she means… that they should stand up and maybe just leave their enslaving girlfriends before the third attempt they try to shove those antics. But they are just too scared, scared to be dumped and back to being single (something that also needs a growing pair, embrace it, so be it).
(From here on it ended being a rant, but was almost finished, leaving it here)
What I think is really useful though, is when they gather up to share notes taken on exactly these topics, how to go about it, how to be better versions of themselves, how to “grow a pair” in a safe friendly environment and learn to put themselves first (“their own mental point of origin”), to stop “the simping epidemic” of late, analyze all the infinite amounts of statistics on intersexual dynamics regarding attraction/divorces-rates/behaviors, how to translate the constant cries of “we don’t need men” or the famous “women needs a man like a fish needs a bycicle”, etc.
A lot of the entitlement and behaviors behind these instagrams phenomenons can be explained by the results collected by acting on the previous paragraph: they possess them, “MY” boyfriend (I agree I’m stretching it here), are above them and can command them to do whatever… they don’t really need them anyways.
And in their defense I also think they don’t need them, they have all of the rest of society to fall back on. Plus there’s likely a second and third potential boyfriend in queue ready to willingly act as the next human tripod.
But every time these talks happen, society at large tries really hard to dissolve said personal growing attempts.
People get scared and defensive, and not even at the statistics themselves (although some do try, but they are immutable), but more a reaction to having brought them up, something like: “I know it is like this, but how dare you bring these topics to light”.
I’m afraid “GROW A PAIR” is still the short, sweet and concise statement that won’t be shunned by everybody. If the person then is curious, then higher chances of going through a personal growth path.
Appreciate the level of reflection and content you've offered here AlejMC and concur I see you contributing to the larger area that there is a lot we have to learn about building a culture where edification of genders and the support and nurturing, mentoring, of our young and old alike in community is so helpful for all. I agree in part that the expression itself may well still have some staying power and look forward to the day that we do a far better job of shaping such expressions which invite people, both men and women, boys and girls, towards a better place.
We have a vast array of incredible words we can use at our disposal. Strong, kind, gentle, resilient, loving, even masculine or feminine etc etc, which can truly edify in deep ways. So much better than the alternative of using a reference to a reproductive part of our anatomy.
Agree these are admirable attributes. But we also need take some more to take into battle in middle America. Right now their biggest rap on us is that they think we are wimps.
Should this matter so much? No. But our current electoral system is set up so that winning is not good enough. We have to score something like 62 - 38 in pop vote to clear 50 % in the EC.
Hi Michelle. Peace be with you, I mean you no harm. I feel for you in what you've experienced at the hands of other men. I agree with you that they should not have treated you like that and to stand up to that is crucial. It's what I do when I see it, though thankfully that is far less in my communities now. I agree that men accepting that there are strong women is upon us all. I know many who do and have been admiring and affirming my wife on her strength for 25 years. I ask kindly that you can appreciate that I am not that man you name as one who has done any of those things to you and didn't do so here so it is unfair to include me by association with 'u' everywhere. I asked questions and only expressed my own view and asked questions on your chosen expression.
On the topic itself of actually making change in this arena of gender appreciation and understanding, I personally choose not to engage in any of the harmful terms for either gender that have been used here - the ones targeted at you that you reflected on, or the one you have used as I don't see how that can actually bring the change we want. War is rarely a successful strategy to a path to understanding and connection, so I choose to avoid it. Conflict can be helpful but only with kind and peaceful paths defined to navigate it well. I appreciate you volunteering to share your choice to tone down your response, though your choice there is your own in how you show up of course.
Ultimately Michelle, I feel your pain expressed through your passion and I feel for you in that and sincerely will continue to fight for what I already do in the edification of women and men and how we can learn to continue to serve each other better.
Some women encourage it. Don't use the term; ALL. Have you witnessed the provocative way women are dressing? Many are looking for this type of behavior from men.
I so appreciate the underlying sentiment towards me in this message Michelle thank you. And whilst I see and receive the respect you offer in calling me Sir, you are most fine to call me Daniel 🌻. I hear that you have had enough of mistreatment and as such have decided to take sides against men, or maybe it's accurate to say men who you see mistreating women and I'm hoping, maybe estimating, you aren't taking aim at the ones who are seeking to do well by women.
Though that isn't entirely clear to me, I'm still wondering if you are accusing all men.
Of course to say, either intentionally or accidentally due to communication which belies what you really want to say, that all men are responsible for mistreating women simply isn't fair or accurate and has the unfortunate consequence of hurting men, like me, who would actually join you as an ally and invite destructive men to a better place.
I maintain that I offer for you to reflect on your wording there so that you aren't alienating men who are on your side, have most definitely 'grown a pair' (that's the first and last time I'll use that abhorrent expression), even to the place of wisdom that there are plenty of women out there who would do well to 'grow a pair of ovaries'... see, it just sounds wrong and is also abhorrent.
Either way there are both men and women alike who have areas they could work on to larger or lesser degrees and choosing war as a strategy to create connection, invitation, and encouragement to work on those areas doesn't correlate positively with an outcome of 'better', if that's what any of us are truly pursuing.
Not just boyfriends. But MOMS with their kids. nonstop. Their young kids who have no say in what they want out into the world...and their whole life already documented before they can claim their own life. Especially for young girls - parents are inadvertently grooming their kids to pose for an IG worthy reel. It makes me want to vomit.
Sometimes when I'm out with my son - I think "oh, I should take a picture so he can remember..." but then I'm like "I don't want to interrupt his fun... it's fine." I have a lot of "bad" photos which I take of him unknowingly so I can remember his activities but he is not looking at the camera or posing.
I want my son to remember an overall joyous and carefree life, not a life filled with posing for photos.
And I wonder, by stopping and taking a picture of a "new" place, does our brain kinda switch off the need to remember b/c we took a picture? Just like when I write a mental note down so it doesn't bug my mind for the rest of the day.
You are making a very important point. I see this happening SO often. What does the child pick up? "I am constantly being observed. I am constantly on show". It's creepy ..
I find it alarming how younger and younger children know that when the phone is pointed at them, they should pose or be over-the-top goofy/adorable. It’s being trained into them.
I was just going here to type this same comment! I was sickened by all the moms taking photos at the zoo last time I went. I get wanting to document a trip, but so many moms were snapping a picture of their kids in front of each exhibit and dragging them (literally kicking and screaming in some cases) to the next one. Not even letting them look at the animals, just getting a picture and prodding them along.
I have a phone full of candid photos of my kids too, I don’t want to stop the moment for a picture. On that note, let’s also not forget the Instagram/facebook grandmas too. My mom, for example, will interrupt my kids while they’re playing nicely all the time just to get a stupid posed picture. Sometimes even snapping her fingers to get them to look at the camera, which drives me crazy. They’re people, not golden retrievers. S T O P.
it will be a growing and worsening problem because of this. children observe, imitate, and synthesise our relationships with absolutely everything, whether we want them to or not. this is being instilled into babies and toddlers in the most insidious way.
My wife and I witnessed this recently when we were eating at a local restaurant off of Route 66. A mom had her elementary school aged son take pictures of her as he was standing in the middle of the road (in a crosswalk).
I've recently started collecting all the bad takes on autism and chronic illness from young female Instagram content creators, so the Instagram algorithm now thinks I'm a gen z female and is flooding me with the content made by and aimed at them. I don't think those of us not from that generation can really understand just how unhealthy the content is that is saturating the online world of gen z females. And even if they are the rare girl not on social media or who spends only a small amount of time on it, this culture isn't restricted to just the online world. It's in the beliefs, attitudes, tones, outlooks, and personalities of all the girls around them in real life too. They can't escape from it.
I've really noticed this bleed over into real life. Just like Freya rightly observes, the virtual and the real are now indistinguishable. These young women derive their values not from their families, or their churches, or older mentors, or healthy community groups. Their values and behaviors are now derived from black-box social media algorithms, optimized to sow dissent as a financial strategy.
I'm gonna rant now.
In particular, pattern of chronically pathologizing regular human experience as disorders. You feel sadness, therefore are "depressed". You feel worry, therefore "have anxiety". You get bored and have trouble focusing on things you don't enjoy doing.... you "have" ADD, ADHD, OCD. And these "conditions" are the reason you have failed to define or achieve your vision for your life. Chronic external locus of control.
Trouble with this, is that grown adults who should know better take it seriously, enable it, encourage this type of thinking, and freely prescribe pharmaceuticals to "cure" these non-existent problems. all for a hefty profit.
It bleeds into political issues as well. Any opinions with which they disagree are not simple differences of opinion. They are "toxic" and "unsafe", and cannot be engaged with. Values that were bog-standard normal just a few years ago are now signs of "Naziism". Desiring biological Grandchildren is not a natural human impulse, rather, it is "eugenics" and another sign one may be a "Nazi". The relationship advice they consume on these platforms is horrible. No wonder none of them want children, I wouldn't either if I spent 6 hours a day on these platforms.
More than anything, they remind me of boomer men who spend too much time with right-wing talk radio. Different positions, but exact same phenomena and archetype. I have a lot of empathy for them, because they are obviously in thrall to forces far larger than themselves, and mere human willpower is inadequate to break the spell. At the same time, they are deeply unpleasant to be around. I can tolerate being called a Nazi only so many times before I really stop caring about their emotional well-being, throw up my hands, and simply become content with allowing them to wallow in their pathetic self-regard.
I'm married with a son and a daughter. I used to think simply not giving my children smartphones would be a suitable solution, but it's now obviously in the air we breathe. Honestly not sure how to protect them against this. My daughter in particular, I am deeply worried.
You made a lot of fantastic points, and two of them really stand out:
1) "Trouble with this, is that grown adults who should know better take it seriously." So much of this is normal teenage behavior. Go back and watch The Breakfast Club. Molly Ringwsld's character would have been obsessed with all her selfies and posting enough to keep her followers happy and Ally Sheedy's character would have been deep into all of her self-diagnosed mental illnesses and trying out different pronouns. I've recently been on a kick of reading Agatha Christie novels. So many of her books have a female character in her late teens or early 20s. I've been surprised by how Christie describes all their angst and insecurities and almost exactly the same way we talk about girls today. The difference is that until just a few years ago, the adults recognized this for what it was: Normal adolescent behavior that is an extremely difficult phase that they have to go through but will outgrow. But now not only adults have removed all the guardrails, they are treating normal teenage/young adult angst and instability as wisdom, the way of the future, a mark of maturity, and something not just for the adults to encourage but to defer to or even follow themselves. Adults are removing all the guard rails and bigger picture perspective that has traditionally guided adolescents through these very difficult years..
2) "More than anything, they remind me of boomer men who spend too much time with right-wing talk radio. Different positions, but exact same phenomena and archetype." I'm so glad you said this! It's something I've been noticing but unable to put into words. We keep talking about how unhealthy identity/progressive/liberal politics is to teenage girls and how it becomes all consuming and their only identity and has such negative affects on their mental health and relationships. But we seem to have completely forgotten about our parents or grandparents who became so obsessed with angry talk radio that they saw persecution everywhere, were constantly angry, and had nothing they could talk about except politics and whatever Rush Limbaugh was ranting about. It really is just different sides of the same coin.
I practice ayurveda, an ancient system of medicine from India. There are books on it written literally thousands of years ago. One book, Charak Samhita, outlines a disease of young affluent women that is Anorexia/Bulimia. Huh. Not caused by magazines after all. My favourite disease though describes a burnt out businessman. He has worked too hard, played too hard, eaten too much, pushed himself too far. The cure? ‘To rest. Eat meat. Drink wine. And have sex to your full satisfaction with large breasted women.’ Those ancients knew some things!
You completely nailed it in your summary. Most people just can’t wrap their heads around this but it’s our new reality. Our daughter has been sucked into the thick of this toxic hyper focused world. She’s physically with us but mentally she’s on a different planet. And society just applauds it and calls us demons for not falling in line.
You just summed it all up perfectly. If I were a parent, I'd be deeply worried as well. Actually, I'm worried about the kids even though I'm not a parent, because they really are all of our future. Fwiw, as a woman who got the opposite of this growing up: I think the best thing you can do for your daughter (in addition to keeping her off social media as long as possible) is to teach her to love and respect her own intrinsic worth AND that virtues need to be cultivated, her behavior matters, and to be valued she needs to value herself and others for such virtues. And model this behavior yourself, obviously in how you treat her but also in the way you act towards, and talk to AND about your wife and all other women. Think long and hard about how you want to talk about women in front of her, even in passing comments. Cruel, devaluing comments from a father definitely land, speaking from experience. Finally, the very fact that you're concerned for and want to protect your daughter, in addition to everything else you say, suggests to me that you're already doing a pretty good job at parenting! I think your daughter will be okay.
Conservatives aren’t pedophiles. Pedophiles go to places where they have access to children. IE where families congregate. There are pedophiles. They don’t believe in anything other than that. They become school teachers too. A school teacher is not more likely to be a pedophile. But a pedophile is more likely to choose be a school teacher than a fireman, for example.
I’m 28, don’t watch television, and the only social media I have are Pinterest and Substack. when I meet other men and women my age, it’s like two dogs meeting on opposite sides of a window. between the forced and tic-like mannerisms, bizarre lingo, and complete lack of social skills, we have nothing to talk about.
there’s been a huge boom in people labelling themselves as autistic and I genuinely think they’re right. not only from vaccines but also from the literally brain rot that is the online world—I’m watching my generation slide into mental disability.
I don’t know, but both of my teen girls recently accused me of being “autistic” because “I can’t read social cues” and now I know why 😡 (I now have a hypothesis that they saw these videos and are seeing normal teenage egotism/disconnect-with-parental-figures as a failing on my part somehow, and now they have a mis-label for that. Apparently because “I just don’t “get it”, I am now autistic 😂)
That is terrifying. When I was young, rebellious youth would call others "retard." I guess this never ends. The saddest part is that as "Mom" they will probably not even listen to you when you explain how horrifically offensive such behavior is.
I recently had some exposure to young people (long story), and I was shocked at how much casual racism and bigotry there was among them. When I was young (graduated high school in 1996), such talk was vulgar and seen as white trash. Perhaps now because friend groups are more often multi-ethnic they think it is okay? It was disturbing, and my plea for decency had the response I guess I should have expected (I basically said that swearing is fine, but demeaning others is in bad taste). I often regret not having children, but then sometimes I do not.
For what it's worth, even chimpanzee teenagers (they take about the same length of time to mature as humans) are known to mock their elders. It's a growing up thing, a way of separating from parents to come into their own adulthood. Every new generation has a deep-seated compulsion to do it, unfortunately. We would be in a better place if youth were hard-wired to learn as much as they can from their elders' life experience rather than reject it to launch into adulthood blind to the pitfalls.
I never did this growing up. I think it's a sign of a lack of childhood discipline, and not being made to put in effort and work from a young age, or else to do with parental styles of control and punishment. Whatever is "hard wired" is no excuse, because the genotype is determined by the phenotype and it is gene-culture co-evolution that moves the genotype forward. As well, the expression of genes is affected by epigenetics, so what is "hard wired" is also alterable in that sense.
Cultural and religious sanctions are the most powerful way to affect the phenotype and thus the genotype—what is "hard wired" is determined by the environment and what we raise our children to do, over a long period of time. Children who default to whatever is "hard wired" are probably suffering from a serious lack of both. In the absence of cultural and religious controls to affect temperament, people certainly default in personality to be more like the chimpanzees, but it is no excuse.
"Autistic" is also Gen Z/Internet slang to call someone awkward or socially inept, so maybe it could be they don't mean you are literally autistic as in the spectrum disorder?
In 1979 I was a college student working at Lake Lodge in Yellowstone Park. We used to mock the tourists who walked up to a stunning vista, snapped a pic, and moved on. Not even pausing to LOOK at it.
But those people were paragons of mindfulness compared to this generation.
This is why I rarely take pictures anymore. I want to enjoy the moment, not be distracted by trying to take the perfect picture.
It drives me crazy seeing people at concerts that are recording the entire thing on their phone. The show is right of them but they're watching it through their tiny screens instead. How many actually go back and look at that poor quality video again?
I have seen parents watch their children at an event. A school play etc. and watch the whole thing through a camcorder (remember those?). The silly part is no cam corder can catch the beautiful essence of children singing Christmas carols. And nobody will ever watch those videos. I always preferred to see it and remember it as I saw it.
Yes!!! My husband and I recently attended a Boney James concert. In the row in front of us, a gentleman recorded almost the entire concert on his phone, pausing to upload portions to social media along the way. Needless to say he wasn’t in the moment, as he “enjoyed” the concert through his phone. It was also a terrible distraction for me.
One of the products I designed and used extensively myself was a rather revolutionary new type of hammock intended to stay warm in a temperate climate rather than cool in a tropical climate. I called it the "sport of being there", to get totally comfortable in a beautiful place, watch the shadows shift, enjoy spending a day with the wildlife present. It was the opposite of the tourist behavior you observed, and I loved every hour of it.
OH-MAH-GAWD this is the BEST idea I think anyone has ever imprinted on my mind!! The epiphany to take my hammock out to my favourite woods (I love hiking) and just hang out, GAH!! WHY HAVE I NEVER THOUGHT OF THIS!!!!
I love this, I love you for sharing it!! I'm so excited, I am doing this next Monday on my free day!!! 😲 😆 🥰 🙌🏻 💙 🫂 🦥
Ha! I´m a European. In 1979 we used to mock the American tourist who would exclaim "gee! what a beautiful castle! what's the name?" "Let me check the itinerary, honey. Today is Wednesday so it must be the Chateau de Fontainebleau. We´re in France darling. We´re in France"
To be fair, it’s pretty hard for individuals to buck the unprecedented changes in our social incentives that reward this. New countervailing institutions, training and cultural adaptations will be needed.
I don’t know… I quit using FB and Instagram about 5 years ago. I wasn’t hard, but I’m older so my situation is different. I do miss the ability to connect with some of my FB friends, but given that they were real life friends, and don’t keep in touch speaks volumes. I’m clearly happier without the social media drama, and I find that listening to music, reading a good book, and having actual conversations with my husband are so much more fun.
Is there any work being done around the hypothesis that this behaviour is an expression of addiction - like any other - and that we’re living in a society with an increasing number of addicts?
Or perhaps that we’re dealing with shifting demographics of addiction?
There’s always been drug addiction, gambling addiction, alcohol addiction, sex addiction, but usually these are seen as being more common with men (not sure if this notion holds up against data but that’s my sense of it). Perhaps we’re seeing a technology which is levelling the playing field for addiction, where now attractive people (and women in particular by the sounds of it) are particularly susceptible to?
Frustration, demanding a fix, disrupting and upsetting relationships, all downstream effects of other addictions. Maybe we need regulation and harm reduction here too
As a new grandpa I was recently reminded of what a source of addiction could be as my grandson kept screaming "again, again" as I flipped him around like a monkey. My kids were the same and I'm sure everyone has had this experience. Mental regression or more likely the inability to grow up and face new challenges. I never understimate fear of freedom and rejection of life as an explanation when confronted with compulsively reckless behaviour.
I suppose then the question of “how do you define addiction?” comes into play - something I have little technical understanding of.
A child seeking that kind of play could be seen as addictive - they might get unhappy and distressed when the stimulus stops - but it’s also building up positive benefits through play, through bonding with a family member, and so on. There must be some point or region where that shifts from good for development to anti-social.
In the case of the article, it seems like this behaviour is quite far into the anti-social. It’s anti-social within the relationship, and it’s likely anti-social with respect to your friends and community. It increases insecurity in others, it makes some actively dislike you, and those people who do like it will be liking a falsehood (as all this posing is surely a falsehood) which feels anti-social albeit in a more left field kind of way
That’s a really good point. There’s the social acceptance/adoration motive, but there’s also the economic motive. The extreme of which is something like OnlyFans - where the rewards are arguably the most immediate (at least in the case of money, if you do well).
I think it’s useful to approach these debates from the economic side more than the moral side. It’s hard to do anything with the idea that “the youth are lazy and wayward”. What if these girls and women are trying to maximise some economic factors, and we happen to live in a system where the best way to do that is via social media?
I’d love to see actual data on any of this. So much is just conjecture
My friend's son was dating a woman an "instagram model" who actually made her living at it. But it was still incredibly annoying to everyone. THeir family did a lot of fun travel together. Every time they did anything, they all had to wait until the posing and photos were over. And eventually they broke up.
The Approval Factory provided by social media is ABSOLUTELY an addiction. All human beings are wired for approval -- it's a survival mechanism -- and social media was designed specifically and intentionally to harness and enslave that innate need. Screens are a beast that is devouring us whole.
I wrote a new version of Little Red Riding Hood that I think should be required reading in elementary-age children and their parents; "Lil Red" is a modern little girl who goes to see her grandmother in assisted living and gets eaten, along with her beloved grandma, by Big Tech. I won't give away the ending... :-)
I'm finding that storytelling is perhaps our last, best way of reaching anyone, and I offer the story here in the hopes that those who believe it might be helpful will share it.
There is a lot of good research being done. Content doesn't matter as much as people think, which is I think one thing Haidt gets wrong, since although social media has its own unique social and behavioural poisons, the evidence I've seen suggests any kind of screen use is brain damaging and an impediment to normal development.
Abstract: "Most research on Internet and gaming addiction have been focused on the content. Our observations and research show that one could develop an addictive behavior on screen devices at any age, regardless of the content and the type of used devices – TV, smartphone, tablet, computer, VR. Here we present 6 selected cases of screen addiction. The most common endophenotypes revealed by qEEG were: 1) slowing of brain activity (theta and/or alpha peaks) during and after screen occupation; 2) reversed asymmetry (predominant alpha and/or theta rhythms in LHS); 3) significant increase in the amplitude of the same alpha and/or theta peaks at eyes closed; 4) autonomous dysregulation. The observed cortexes were literally falling asleep during any screen occupation. When this "sleeping" behavior had been strongly consolidated and habituated it turns into Reward Deficiency Syndrome. We observed that the psychophysiological development has been anchored at the stage in which the addiction had appeared. Early childhood screen addiction has the most dramatic developmental deficits. Among the symptoms were: delayed walking and speech; lack of or disordered language; ADHD; „pseudo-autism“; autonomous and affective dysregulations; executive dysfunctions; disordered learning; lack of self awareness and self reflection; depression; ODD; OCD etc. [...]"
That’s really interesting, thanks for sharing, Emma.
Your point about Haidt being wrong is worth some debate.
My reasoning would be that the outcomes of the effects of consuming the type of content that Haidt and his colleagues are focusing on happens to be particularly stark.
Whatever the content that younger women (and younger liberal women in particular) are consuming, within the complex systems of their lives, it seems to have the outcome of increasing self harm and suicide.
Whereas the outcomes on other demographics are less stark (but seem to be there, as judged from the graphs I’ve seen presented in his articles).
Picking apart the whole story is incredibly complex, to the point where it’s probably not possible to do it fast enough to keep up with the current evolving situation. Given that, it seems to make sense to first focus on the extremes, try to solve them, then work backwards from there.
For example I’d be surprised if the story didn’t involve general decreasing mental and physical health as a result of addiction to screens, gaming etc., leading to increased insecurity and all sorts of negatives behaviours in the population.
I think it’s reasonably clear that this is happening at all age groups - at least in the UK and US
By "wrong," I should clarify, I think there's more to it than just social media, but not that he's wrong on anything I've read on the subject per se, so maybe poor phrasing on my part. It's definitely hard to see the bigger picture of everything it's doing right now. Agreed on what you say.
On that last point, I'm very curious on how it's affecting older demographics lately, as I haven't seen as much interest in that area. It makes sense the focus has been on studying younger demographics. But I find it very noticeable how it's affecting older people, too, since just going outside, I see it all the time where even the middle-aged are glued to their phones just like the younger generations.
I'm also curious how rural populations might perhaps be affected differently, due to differences in culture and use. I thought of that recently when I was looking up some small towns and found one with a population of 200, which was using Facebook as a local market for bartering in place of what used to be a physical market. Which was just weird!
The franco egyptian writer Edmund Jabes has, in his Book of Questions, a passage describing the audience in a movie theatre as being "dead", like ghosts, watching the real world unfold from a distance and unable to influence it. Film and photography for him is where we practice being dead. I am attracted to the idea that mediated reality is replacing reality itself, and I think connecting it to fear of living, fear of freedom, fear of death/failure is an interesting avenue.
Long a go I coined the saying, "there's no medium like no medium" - in other words, to live your own life, immersed in your own reality, and avoiding vicarious entertainments.
Always look forward to reading your insights Freya! We spend the summer with my mum in Switzerland where we will frequently see women striking pose, after pose, after pose, boyfriend obediently holding their purse and snapping photos, all while completely ignoring the most stunning Alpine scenery. Reality is being flattened and uploaded into the virtual. Peco and I just wrote a piece this week on building three-dimensional memories that offers concrete alternatives to "documenting everything". https://schooloftheunconformed.substack.com/p/building-people-with-three-dimensional.
A few months removed from Instagram and I'm already seeing more clearly how insane this normalized way of being has become. I used to be upset my husband didn't take more pictures... but now I'm seeing he just wants to live *in* his life, in our life. And I love him for it. (Sure, I'll still ask him to take the occasional one of me and our kids... but for posterity, not the internet.)
Men and women need to hold each other accountable for their worst temptations from technology. Women wanting to document their life and looking “cute” so others will approve online is a terrible temptation to women. It is like pornography for men. The technology short circuits something deeply biological in women: the need for affirmation and approval. This is why of course men spend most of their online time watching pornography, playing video games or long form video. Women mostly watch reels and are infested in the coming of goings of others and seek validation online. None of this is healthy. It manifests differently in different sexes because we are wired differently, but none of it is good. Phones are technocratic Tavistockian mind control devices whose principal purpose is to make us feel bad so that we will buy more things. Nothing good can come from this dark magic.
I really wish there was a male version of Freya, someone with the same level of insight and empathy who could talk through all the same topics from the other perspective.
We're all in this together, we rely on each other. The war between the sexes is a great tragedy, and these platforms are stoking it for profit.
No, Jordan Peterson is 61 years old. It has to come from the inside. It has to be 22 year old kid talking to other 22 year old kids, and translating the experience of 22 year old kids to us, the older generation who knew life before the internet and have the mental/emotional capacity to insulate ourselves from its worst excesses, who maybe don't understand what's going on.
For me, Freya is a translator of sorts. I interact with Zoomer girls through daily life, as we all do, but Freya's insights help me understand the context, of which their behavior is the physical manifestation. As a father to a very young daughter, this is an invaluable service. My wife and sisters are all Millennials, like me. We don't really get it.
As a thirty-something family man, on a personal level, the only way to win this game is to not play. Definitely feel like we are swimming upriver. Simply insulating my children isn't going to work, because all their peers buy in. I am trying my best to model virtue and show the values I want them to emulate. I seek to place them into environments that reinforce those values. Step one is to get OUT of the public schools. Select a town that fits our values, large enough to be self-contained and walkable, but small enough that I myself can exercise some influence in the direction of public and social policy. My children will never get smartphones or tablets, ever. Zero tolerance. At the right age, they will get flip phones that can call and text, nothing else. They have maximum possible age-appropriate freedom of action. My son can walk himself to the neighborhood park, ride his bike to the grocery store, etc.
Right on! Best of luck to you. We have to dare to be different and teach our kids to be okay with going against the grain too. We are living in a distopian science fiction movie where most people dont even realize whats happening. My boys are 3 and 2. I am making sure we know all the kids in the neighborhood and have regular outside play dates. The idea is to give a talk on the topic in the neighborhood clubhouse and propose smartphone free pact for the young ones. I wasted lots of hours gaming myself, and looking back it set me back socially. If my local elementary school issues chromebooks im homeschooling until i find a better alternative. I plan on giving them a nature centric childhood, lots of hiking, beach trips, and they'll be joining boy scouts like programs. I am starting sunday digital detoxes where i turn off my phone and put it away, and i am hoping to get my wife on board soon. I WILL teach them to use tech for empowering things like music, art, 3d printing, learning. But keep the as far away from mind controlling algorithms.
Well said. When I stopped posting pictures and updates on Facebook, it still took me months to stop thinking in Facebook updates. But I did, eventually.
I’m not sure how I feel about digital photos in general. I have thousands. Some are really good. I pay for professional photos fairly regularly too: usually one Christmas photo shoot and then lots of dance photos throughout our season. Again, some really beautiful pictures and shots. But then there’s the question of what to do with them. I make some photo books and albums, but that’s a lot of work. My mother took less photos but they were all organized. Most of mine sit in digital folders. It kind of stresses me out.
I have been thinking about what will happen to all these personal digital libraries when the person passes away. I can't imagine many descendents will want to keep archives of 1000s of mediocre images and videos of strangers.
Back in The Good Old Days, when photos were taken on film, you had to choose your shots carefully (the number of shots was limited and each shot cost money), send them out to be developed (more $$), and hope you got some keepers.
Now, for better or worse, the marginal cost of photos is basically zero.
I really enjoyed this. Nothing says "I am a soulless, empty drone devoid of personality and love" like a really busy Instagram. I understand that some people are forced to do this (those I know who have this problem hire someone to handle it), but for everyone that is not a model or actor, it is a clear sign on an unwell or unbalanced individual. It is unfair to say this is all women (oh boy are their vapid men doing this), but it is sad. I stopped bringing my camera when I travelled as a young man because it ruined the experience. I want memories, not photos. I can always purchase professional photos that are better than mine. I love to explore and enjoy where I am.
I feel terrible for anyone stuck with an individual who wants to travel to ten countries in a week to copy someone else's Instagram photos. I would rather spend ten days somewhere nice where I can get a feel for the place. This is also why I try to take long vacations in between jobs (like a month or two). Then I can get some of the language down (I take a class or tutoring before) and make some friends who can show me the REAL place I am visiting.
Sometimes I think air travel has been a curse. We have forgotten that simply wisdom that it is about the journey, not the destination.
This is both hilarious and sad—and important. Years ago, before the internet, I went on a vacation with some college buddies. One of them was a professional photographer. I asked why he was taking so few photos. He said, “I’m on vacation.” I always remember that. My wife today wants me to take photos of everything, although just for us—she’s not on social media. But I say, let’s just be and enjoy. The things we keep for ourselves are precious.
As a lifelong keen amateur photographer (mainly wildlufe and landscapes), I understand the desire to get that 'perfect' picture but a what cost? Is it really worth a relationship?!
I also understand the very uncomfortable feeling of being asked to take photos one does not feel competent to take and the competing pressure to do something your loved one asks for. Getting told off, or worse, for not doing a good job seems unlikely to help anyone.
In my experience, almost all the best photos of people are taken when the photographer and subject are comfortable and relaxed and communicating with each other (often non-verbally).
Of course, I take pictures of my wife and family but I don't share them online except within the family itself : they're private.
Modern technology has, I think, made things worse by raising expectations about how good a photo 'should' be. The image editing software so widely used has a really useful purpose but it needs to be borne in mind that what it creates is a fantasy not reality.
There's nothing wrong with a fantasy, of course, but knowing the difference between fantasy and reality is essential for our happiness and sanity.
this is funny. I have seen this behavior but I do not know anyone, personally, like this.
I do not like getting my picture taken. The only sad thing is when I die there will be very few pictures to display..... As a caregiver to both of my parents this past 10 years, at both of their memorial services I had so many pictures to share. Those were such sweet memories. They both lived well into their 90's, daddy just last year, June to age 99 and a half.
Those pictures are treasures.
I am almost 70 and do not really understand the picture snapping and sharing on social media. It is kind of weird? There are a lot of people that back in the days of olden, we would call "show off"
For me, as Freya said, the problem is that these people try to live their intimate lives on social media rather than in private. The default should always be private.
And a bit more humility and respect for one's partner might not go amiss either. Trust and respect are the cornerstones of a good relationship, after all.
You are clearly a fascist from the horrific age of slut shaming and telling a room full of children that they cannot all be president. Basically, most of these people grew up as only children, or they had sufficient space between them that an older sibling never cut them down to size (a really important part of life). They all think very highly of themselves and believe that their modeling contract is just around the corner, even if they are five feet tall or a trans woman with a 38" waste and 38" hips. The worst part is, that is what they aspire to, being a model or a youtuber. The days of ambition appear to be long gone for so many.
The saddest part is when reality hits them. They cannot handle it. Not every young person is part of this pathology, but too many are. What disturbs me is its spread outside the US. We have always been able to let part of each generation rot because of immigration. I have no idea what happens in a world full of mock primadonna's with semi-imagined degrees who think their job should pay as much as a software engineer's, even those who are not working.
I sincerely hope we are old foggies who are simply misguided. I pray for it.
These boyfriends taking all the pictures need to find their balls and tell the girlfriends that enough is enough. I can't imagine going on vacation only to have a full time job of snapping pics so that my GF can get more dicks to follow her. In my opinion the men are the problem here. People will treat you how you allow them to treat you. These men could put a stop to it in a heartbeat
Def some truth here. My daughter was out on a first date and the guy chose some place that was very popular to go to for Insta pics. She asked why he picked the place and he said "I thought that's what all the girls were into". The good thing here is my daughter set him straight.
Go your daughter!! I'd like to know her
Ikr?? She's great, mind of her own
i assume she got it from one of her parent ;)
Lol. Well yes. I've always marched to my own tune.
Estimated time it will take one of those girls to find another guy who will take their photos for them: 2.7 second
Yes, and about as shallow as a wading pool. Not a good prospect for a life partner.
The male-to-male insult for this used to be the derogatory term "pussy-whipped". That it's become the norm is not a good sign for our civilization.
That's good news. However, it is common enough for Freya to write this piece about it, with abundant supporting evidence. The message is to spot the syndrome and avoid it, both as women and men.
But what Freya is really writing about is returning to a state of presence that isn’t dictated by a contrived social media image. More than when at a beautiful place with your bf/gf, one should embrace the moment with presence and mutual appreciation. It’s a general shift in priorities that is needed.
Social media has a place but it is not reality. Reality is not tidy and perfect, it is messy and complicated...but we want the illusion, sadly enough. I will take flawed and real over Instagram "perfect" any day. I am not on Insta in any way. Substack is real for me, up, down and sideways.
Social Media doesn’t force anyone into anything. It is really important to recognize this.
Humans are herd animals to rival any sheep or lemming.
Nope. I realize 70% of
People are willing to be led around. But no one is forcing anyone. Every single moment of your life each person decides how to be and how to act.
I am never forced into anything. No one is unless they are in prison
You said it, baby! You can't be treated this way unless you *allow* people to treat you this way.
Maybe he needs a less hot, narcissistic girlfriend and find on who doesn't want to be an IG influencer.
I think it's more to do with intelligence and conformism than being hot or not.
Dunno, why do these guys put up with these girls? Guessing they're probably pretty hot, hence the desire to show themselves off constantly. I used to see them on LinkedIn back when it was A Thing, and it still is, to a lesser extent today. Young people, mostly women, some men, finding any excuse to take an attractive picture of themselves and engage in some humblebragging. I remember one very pretty young woman who always took photos of herself with her eyes wide open, looking surprised; she had very pretty eyes to begin with and she was trying to enhance them. I think I commented one time, "Do they not have cameras in your country? Why do you always look so surprised when you see one?"
I mean, if I was one of these boyfriends I think I'd want a girl who was a lot less into herself.
I am old. A bunch of older couples sitting around a dinner table at a party and someone takes a photo. Not for Instagram, just as a reminder of the night. The photo is taken and there are four wrinkly old guys, human equivalents of Sharpei dogs, with normal sized eyes, and five women (the fifth guy is taking the picture) also wrinkly but their eyes are wide wide open, which looks silly. The silly part is they look far better with normal eyes. The other thing is healthy nice looking women, active, in shape, but 65-70, can still be quite attractive…at least to old guys. They go to a party and CAKE makeup on themselves to smooth out the wrinkles. This makes them look 10 years OLDER. Not younger. You get these ridiculous photos where women cake themselves in makeup, which makes them look older, and then they widen their eyes as if they are in shock, but with big smiles. Those same women in yoga pants, no makeup, and smiling normally can look pretty good. Women! You can’t live with ‘em. You can’t live without them.
I hear EXACTLY what you're saying. I've noted for many years how awful many insecure, older women look when they cake on the crap. I'm like, I never want to be like that! I need to age gracefully (here I go!) and not do stuff that makes me look like these other ladies who I want to give a makeover ;)
Keep going , Grow! I am almost 72. Life does not just go away if you are an Elder. It grows as you do and as you engage from your own life experience. That is what I write about and so do so many of us fellow Substack writers!!
Same for men but I agree...
"Hotness" is way over-rated. Hot becomes cold, remember? Just be a real human being who cares about something other than yourself and you may just find some good people.
Narcissistic = hot?!?
No, but it's funny how it's mostly hot people (mostly women, but some men) are the most inclined to post hot, Photoshopped if necessary, photos of themselves ad nauseum...
have you ever considered women's primal need for social approval and validation?
That exists and is natural, but like most of our Tech-derived crises, a tolerable aspect of human nature is amplified to serious detriment and made more widespread. Men shouldn't be conformed to womans' ways, as is occurring in techno-industrial societies.
Men are being conformed and women aren't? I'm not agreeing or disagreeing with Sol's comment. Just think that it's equally simplistic to say women have no agency because of society as it is to say men have no agency and are being conformed or forced to. Both sexes are under social pressures but both also exert social pressure. It's a dance men and women have been doing for millenia. But when you find someone's behavior unappealing it is fair to point it out and discuss it, but no one will have sympathy if you are also the enabler of it, especially when there are other options, which in this case there are.
Stephanie, it is indeed a dance between male and female, for all of human history, complex, difficult and yet magical at times. Attraction and "chemistry" cannot be intellectually understood, it does have to be felt and experienced. No accounting for chemistry, you feel it or you do not. The surface stuff matters in part but the inner chemistry, a resonating with another human being, that is a depth of things that we need more and more, the older we get. Surface stuff gets VERY old.
A lot of the replies to this comment are harsh to the men, the women, or both in this equation. What if it's quite a bit simpler, in some cases, than the gender politics you propose? What if this behavior simply seems inevitable and appropriate to both partners, because both believe in the importance of social media to a social life? What if the man, in fact, loves the woman and doesn't want to "damage" this apparently crucial part of her life by refusing to support it?
People do irrational things they don't like all the time simply because they feel or believe them to be important - with or without evidence to support the feeling. This may well fall in that category.
Agree but I don't think that these men need to "find their balls" or that they are "pussy whipped" (quoted from below response). It's deeper than that. They like these girls because they're probably hot. The phenomenon to constantly need affirmation that you're attractive and take these photos was usually to get the attention of men. And yes, a lot of the monetization of Instagram is marketing by women to women, but it is to sell products that supposedly will make them more attractive to men. If men weren't ultimately incentivizing this behavior, it wouldn't happen. They (the type of men taking these pictures, that is) are getting exactly what they asked for. I have very little sympathy. In this dating economy "dateable men" are harder and harder for women to find. These "high value men" have options. Women aren't all on Instagram in this way and if the only ones attractive enough to be worthy are there, then these men set their priorities. I'm not saying men shouldn't care about looks. That's always been a reality. Not in denial about it, but men have a lot of power in this dynamic. The world has too many real problems to worry about self imposed ones.
What do you mean by "dateable?" Does that just mean beefcake, and has money and will spend it on you? If so women need to be less shallow materialistic cretins!
Indeed. The only response to these requests from a self-respecting male would be something along of the lines is "The only pic I'll click sweets is one of you doing something to my d-ck."
Disagree. They need a new girl.
That's what I said.
Yes.
Exactly. These boyfriends need to find balls.
Then they’ll find they no longer have a girlfriend as she will replace them with the men undoubtably liking her photos he had been taking
Appreciate your passion on this topic Michelle. I wonder if you've ever considered whether the expression to GROW A PAIR! is particularly helpful especially when shouted like this. I know of no real expression that is levelled at women in the same 'calling out' way that has been made culturally acceptable. And in the pursuit of equality, I wonder if there should be? I don't really think so as I personally don't think it's a helpful expression. I wonder how it would go if a man ever demanded that a woman "GROW A PAIR OF OVARIES!"... actually I don't wonder. 'Grow a pair' and the seemingly freely ordained right for women to use it feels kinda hurtful as an expression, especially in the way it's used. Or do you know of terms like this that are acceptable to order/demand/shout at women to somehow toughen up/grow up.
Men and women have different roles, women don't need to toughen up and men can't be pussies with no balls. We don't make kids and adults act the same, and women can be scared and stay safe but a man has to ("grow a pair" and) go kill the (e.g.) wasps at personal risk.
I also think that bluntly said like this it isn’t useful. Besides that it can also try to shift all the blame on the boyfriend (but I didn’t read it as such either).
But at least here we know exactly what she means… that they should stand up and maybe just leave their enslaving girlfriends before the third attempt they try to shove those antics. But they are just too scared, scared to be dumped and back to being single (something that also needs a growing pair, embrace it, so be it).
(From here on it ended being a rant, but was almost finished, leaving it here)
What I think is really useful though, is when they gather up to share notes taken on exactly these topics, how to go about it, how to be better versions of themselves, how to “grow a pair” in a safe friendly environment and learn to put themselves first (“their own mental point of origin”), to stop “the simping epidemic” of late, analyze all the infinite amounts of statistics on intersexual dynamics regarding attraction/divorces-rates/behaviors, how to translate the constant cries of “we don’t need men” or the famous “women needs a man like a fish needs a bycicle”, etc.
A lot of the entitlement and behaviors behind these instagrams phenomenons can be explained by the results collected by acting on the previous paragraph: they possess them, “MY” boyfriend (I agree I’m stretching it here), are above them and can command them to do whatever… they don’t really need them anyways.
And in their defense I also think they don’t need them, they have all of the rest of society to fall back on. Plus there’s likely a second and third potential boyfriend in queue ready to willingly act as the next human tripod.
But every time these talks happen, society at large tries really hard to dissolve said personal growing attempts.
People get scared and defensive, and not even at the statistics themselves (although some do try, but they are immutable), but more a reaction to having brought them up, something like: “I know it is like this, but how dare you bring these topics to light”.
I’m afraid “GROW A PAIR” is still the short, sweet and concise statement that won’t be shunned by everybody. If the person then is curious, then higher chances of going through a personal growth path.
Appreciate the level of reflection and content you've offered here AlejMC and concur I see you contributing to the larger area that there is a lot we have to learn about building a culture where edification of genders and the support and nurturing, mentoring, of our young and old alike in community is so helpful for all. I agree in part that the expression itself may well still have some staying power and look forward to the day that we do a far better job of shaping such expressions which invite people, both men and women, boys and girls, towards a better place.
Actually have heard that. But you're right -- we do need better words. How about one for 'ballsy' -- a fave I apply to more women than men.
Appreciate the desire for better words Don.
We have a vast array of incredible words we can use at our disposal. Strong, kind, gentle, resilient, loving, even masculine or feminine etc etc, which can truly edify in deep ways. So much better than the alternative of using a reference to a reproductive part of our anatomy.
Agree these are admirable attributes. But we also need take some more to take into battle in middle America. Right now their biggest rap on us is that they think we are wimps.
Should this matter so much? No. But our current electoral system is set up so that winning is not good enough. We have to score something like 62 - 38 in pop vote to clear 50 % in the EC.
Grow a pair dude,
Fully functioning set right here tiger.
4 sons - 22, 20, 18, 16.
Oh wait, is that what you were asking... because that's what you asked.
Hi Michelle. Peace be with you, I mean you no harm. I feel for you in what you've experienced at the hands of other men. I agree with you that they should not have treated you like that and to stand up to that is crucial. It's what I do when I see it, though thankfully that is far less in my communities now. I agree that men accepting that there are strong women is upon us all. I know many who do and have been admiring and affirming my wife on her strength for 25 years. I ask kindly that you can appreciate that I am not that man you name as one who has done any of those things to you and didn't do so here so it is unfair to include me by association with 'u' everywhere. I asked questions and only expressed my own view and asked questions on your chosen expression.
On the topic itself of actually making change in this arena of gender appreciation and understanding, I personally choose not to engage in any of the harmful terms for either gender that have been used here - the ones targeted at you that you reflected on, or the one you have used as I don't see how that can actually bring the change we want. War is rarely a successful strategy to a path to understanding and connection, so I choose to avoid it. Conflict can be helpful but only with kind and peaceful paths defined to navigate it well. I appreciate you volunteering to share your choice to tone down your response, though your choice there is your own in how you show up of course.
Ultimately Michelle, I feel your pain expressed through your passion and I feel for you in that and sincerely will continue to fight for what I already do in the edification of women and men and how we can learn to continue to serve each other better.
you're both right in both of your ways.
Some women encourage it. Don't use the term; ALL. Have you witnessed the provocative way women are dressing? Many are looking for this type of behavior from men.
I so appreciate the underlying sentiment towards me in this message Michelle thank you. And whilst I see and receive the respect you offer in calling me Sir, you are most fine to call me Daniel 🌻. I hear that you have had enough of mistreatment and as such have decided to take sides against men, or maybe it's accurate to say men who you see mistreating women and I'm hoping, maybe estimating, you aren't taking aim at the ones who are seeking to do well by women.
Though that isn't entirely clear to me, I'm still wondering if you are accusing all men.
Of course to say, either intentionally or accidentally due to communication which belies what you really want to say, that all men are responsible for mistreating women simply isn't fair or accurate and has the unfortunate consequence of hurting men, like me, who would actually join you as an ally and invite destructive men to a better place.
I maintain that I offer for you to reflect on your wording there so that you aren't alienating men who are on your side, have most definitely 'grown a pair' (that's the first and last time I'll use that abhorrent expression), even to the place of wisdom that there are plenty of women out there who would do well to 'grow a pair of ovaries'... see, it just sounds wrong and is also abhorrent.
Either way there are both men and women alike who have areas they could work on to larger or lesser degrees and choosing war as a strategy to create connection, invitation, and encouragement to work on those areas doesn't correlate positively with an outcome of 'better', if that's what any of us are truly pursuing.
Peace.
Not just boyfriends. But MOMS with their kids. nonstop. Their young kids who have no say in what they want out into the world...and their whole life already documented before they can claim their own life. Especially for young girls - parents are inadvertently grooming their kids to pose for an IG worthy reel. It makes me want to vomit.
Sometimes when I'm out with my son - I think "oh, I should take a picture so he can remember..." but then I'm like "I don't want to interrupt his fun... it's fine." I have a lot of "bad" photos which I take of him unknowingly so I can remember his activities but he is not looking at the camera or posing.
I want my son to remember an overall joyous and carefree life, not a life filled with posing for photos.
And I wonder, by stopping and taking a picture of a "new" place, does our brain kinda switch off the need to remember b/c we took a picture? Just like when I write a mental note down so it doesn't bug my mind for the rest of the day.
You are making a very important point. I see this happening SO often. What does the child pick up? "I am constantly being observed. I am constantly on show". It's creepy ..
"My worth is measured by the attention I attract!"
I find it alarming how younger and younger children know that when the phone is pointed at them, they should pose or be over-the-top goofy/adorable. It’s being trained into them.
I've seen a lot of moms that are basically using their own kids as props for their own social media accounts.
I was just going here to type this same comment! I was sickened by all the moms taking photos at the zoo last time I went. I get wanting to document a trip, but so many moms were snapping a picture of their kids in front of each exhibit and dragging them (literally kicking and screaming in some cases) to the next one. Not even letting them look at the animals, just getting a picture and prodding them along.
I have a phone full of candid photos of my kids too, I don’t want to stop the moment for a picture. On that note, let’s also not forget the Instagram/facebook grandmas too. My mom, for example, will interrupt my kids while they’re playing nicely all the time just to get a stupid posed picture. Sometimes even snapping her fingers to get them to look at the camera, which drives me crazy. They’re people, not golden retrievers. S T O P.
every single part of this.
it will be a growing and worsening problem because of this. children observe, imitate, and synthesise our relationships with absolutely everything, whether we want them to or not. this is being instilled into babies and toddlers in the most insidious way.
My wife and I witnessed this recently when we were eating at a local restaurant off of Route 66. A mom had her elementary school aged son take pictures of her as he was standing in the middle of the road (in a crosswalk).
that mom is training her son to be a "good IG boyfriend" where his soul will slowly be crushed.
Thank you. This is something I find deeply distressing, too—and I think you've just sparked inspiration for my next Substack post!
I've recently started collecting all the bad takes on autism and chronic illness from young female Instagram content creators, so the Instagram algorithm now thinks I'm a gen z female and is flooding me with the content made by and aimed at them. I don't think those of us not from that generation can really understand just how unhealthy the content is that is saturating the online world of gen z females. And even if they are the rare girl not on social media or who spends only a small amount of time on it, this culture isn't restricted to just the online world. It's in the beliefs, attitudes, tones, outlooks, and personalities of all the girls around them in real life too. They can't escape from it.
I've really noticed this bleed over into real life. Just like Freya rightly observes, the virtual and the real are now indistinguishable. These young women derive their values not from their families, or their churches, or older mentors, or healthy community groups. Their values and behaviors are now derived from black-box social media algorithms, optimized to sow dissent as a financial strategy.
I'm gonna rant now.
In particular, pattern of chronically pathologizing regular human experience as disorders. You feel sadness, therefore are "depressed". You feel worry, therefore "have anxiety". You get bored and have trouble focusing on things you don't enjoy doing.... you "have" ADD, ADHD, OCD. And these "conditions" are the reason you have failed to define or achieve your vision for your life. Chronic external locus of control.
Trouble with this, is that grown adults who should know better take it seriously, enable it, encourage this type of thinking, and freely prescribe pharmaceuticals to "cure" these non-existent problems. all for a hefty profit.
It bleeds into political issues as well. Any opinions with which they disagree are not simple differences of opinion. They are "toxic" and "unsafe", and cannot be engaged with. Values that were bog-standard normal just a few years ago are now signs of "Naziism". Desiring biological Grandchildren is not a natural human impulse, rather, it is "eugenics" and another sign one may be a "Nazi". The relationship advice they consume on these platforms is horrible. No wonder none of them want children, I wouldn't either if I spent 6 hours a day on these platforms.
More than anything, they remind me of boomer men who spend too much time with right-wing talk radio. Different positions, but exact same phenomena and archetype. I have a lot of empathy for them, because they are obviously in thrall to forces far larger than themselves, and mere human willpower is inadequate to break the spell. At the same time, they are deeply unpleasant to be around. I can tolerate being called a Nazi only so many times before I really stop caring about their emotional well-being, throw up my hands, and simply become content with allowing them to wallow in their pathetic self-regard.
I'm married with a son and a daughter. I used to think simply not giving my children smartphones would be a suitable solution, but it's now obviously in the air we breathe. Honestly not sure how to protect them against this. My daughter in particular, I am deeply worried.
You made a lot of fantastic points, and two of them really stand out:
1) "Trouble with this, is that grown adults who should know better take it seriously." So much of this is normal teenage behavior. Go back and watch The Breakfast Club. Molly Ringwsld's character would have been obsessed with all her selfies and posting enough to keep her followers happy and Ally Sheedy's character would have been deep into all of her self-diagnosed mental illnesses and trying out different pronouns. I've recently been on a kick of reading Agatha Christie novels. So many of her books have a female character in her late teens or early 20s. I've been surprised by how Christie describes all their angst and insecurities and almost exactly the same way we talk about girls today. The difference is that until just a few years ago, the adults recognized this for what it was: Normal adolescent behavior that is an extremely difficult phase that they have to go through but will outgrow. But now not only adults have removed all the guardrails, they are treating normal teenage/young adult angst and instability as wisdom, the way of the future, a mark of maturity, and something not just for the adults to encourage but to defer to or even follow themselves. Adults are removing all the guard rails and bigger picture perspective that has traditionally guided adolescents through these very difficult years..
2) "More than anything, they remind me of boomer men who spend too much time with right-wing talk radio. Different positions, but exact same phenomena and archetype." I'm so glad you said this! It's something I've been noticing but unable to put into words. We keep talking about how unhealthy identity/progressive/liberal politics is to teenage girls and how it becomes all consuming and their only identity and has such negative affects on their mental health and relationships. But we seem to have completely forgotten about our parents or grandparents who became so obsessed with angry talk radio that they saw persecution everywhere, were constantly angry, and had nothing they could talk about except politics and whatever Rush Limbaugh was ranting about. It really is just different sides of the same coin.
I practice ayurveda, an ancient system of medicine from India. There are books on it written literally thousands of years ago. One book, Charak Samhita, outlines a disease of young affluent women that is Anorexia/Bulimia. Huh. Not caused by magazines after all. My favourite disease though describes a burnt out businessman. He has worked too hard, played too hard, eaten too much, pushed himself too far. The cure? ‘To rest. Eat meat. Drink wine. And have sex to your full satisfaction with large breasted women.’ Those ancients knew some things!
You completely nailed it in your summary. Most people just can’t wrap their heads around this but it’s our new reality. Our daughter has been sucked into the thick of this toxic hyper focused world. She’s physically with us but mentally she’s on a different planet. And society just applauds it and calls us demons for not falling in line.
oh my god, this: "the virtual and the real are now indistinguishable."
You just summed it all up perfectly. If I were a parent, I'd be deeply worried as well. Actually, I'm worried about the kids even though I'm not a parent, because they really are all of our future. Fwiw, as a woman who got the opposite of this growing up: I think the best thing you can do for your daughter (in addition to keeping her off social media as long as possible) is to teach her to love and respect her own intrinsic worth AND that virtues need to be cultivated, her behavior matters, and to be valued she needs to value herself and others for such virtues. And model this behavior yourself, obviously in how you treat her but also in the way you act towards, and talk to AND about your wife and all other women. Think long and hard about how you want to talk about women in front of her, even in passing comments. Cruel, devaluing comments from a father definitely land, speaking from experience. Finally, the very fact that you're concerned for and want to protect your daughter, in addition to everything else you say, suggests to me that you're already doing a pretty good job at parenting! I think your daughter will be okay.
Conservatives aren’t pedophiles. Pedophiles go to places where they have access to children. IE where families congregate. There are pedophiles. They don’t believe in anything other than that. They become school teachers too. A school teacher is not more likely to be a pedophile. But a pedophile is more likely to choose be a school teacher than a fireman, for example.
Why are you communicating in text speak? And what the heck are you going on about? Also you are an ex therapist?
I’m 28, don’t watch television, and the only social media I have are Pinterest and Substack. when I meet other men and women my age, it’s like two dogs meeting on opposite sides of a window. between the forced and tic-like mannerisms, bizarre lingo, and complete lack of social skills, we have nothing to talk about.
there’s been a huge boom in people labelling themselves as autistic and I genuinely think they’re right. not only from vaccines but also from the literally brain rot that is the online world—I’m watching my generation slide into mental disability.
What are young women doing to autistic people? I am half terrified to know what kind of new bullying has been invented.
I don’t know, but both of my teen girls recently accused me of being “autistic” because “I can’t read social cues” and now I know why 😡 (I now have a hypothesis that they saw these videos and are seeing normal teenage egotism/disconnect-with-parental-figures as a failing on my part somehow, and now they have a mis-label for that. Apparently because “I just don’t “get it”, I am now autistic 😂)
That is terrifying. When I was young, rebellious youth would call others "retard." I guess this never ends. The saddest part is that as "Mom" they will probably not even listen to you when you explain how horrifically offensive such behavior is.
I recently had some exposure to young people (long story), and I was shocked at how much casual racism and bigotry there was among them. When I was young (graduated high school in 1996), such talk was vulgar and seen as white trash. Perhaps now because friend groups are more often multi-ethnic they think it is okay? It was disturbing, and my plea for decency had the response I guess I should have expected (I basically said that swearing is fine, but demeaning others is in bad taste). I often regret not having children, but then sometimes I do not.
Thank you for sharing. I appreciate it.
For what it's worth, even chimpanzee teenagers (they take about the same length of time to mature as humans) are known to mock their elders. It's a growing up thing, a way of separating from parents to come into their own adulthood. Every new generation has a deep-seated compulsion to do it, unfortunately. We would be in a better place if youth were hard-wired to learn as much as they can from their elders' life experience rather than reject it to launch into adulthood blind to the pitfalls.
I never did this growing up. I think it's a sign of a lack of childhood discipline, and not being made to put in effort and work from a young age, or else to do with parental styles of control and punishment. Whatever is "hard wired" is no excuse, because the genotype is determined by the phenotype and it is gene-culture co-evolution that moves the genotype forward. As well, the expression of genes is affected by epigenetics, so what is "hard wired" is also alterable in that sense.
Cultural and religious sanctions are the most powerful way to affect the phenotype and thus the genotype—what is "hard wired" is determined by the environment and what we raise our children to do, over a long period of time. Children who default to whatever is "hard wired" are probably suffering from a serious lack of both. In the absence of cultural and religious controls to affect temperament, people certainly default in personality to be more like the chimpanzees, but it is no excuse.
I think you’re 100% on to the reason behind this phenomenon!
Are your daughters my boyfriend?
"Autistic" is also Gen Z/Internet slang to call someone awkward or socially inept, so maybe it could be they don't mean you are literally autistic as in the spectrum disorder?
Oh goodness 🤦
In 1979 I was a college student working at Lake Lodge in Yellowstone Park. We used to mock the tourists who walked up to a stunning vista, snapped a pic, and moved on. Not even pausing to LOOK at it.
But those people were paragons of mindfulness compared to this generation.
Be here now.
This is why I rarely take pictures anymore. I want to enjoy the moment, not be distracted by trying to take the perfect picture.
It drives me crazy seeing people at concerts that are recording the entire thing on their phone. The show is right of them but they're watching it through their tiny screens instead. How many actually go back and look at that poor quality video again?
I have seen parents watch their children at an event. A school play etc. and watch the whole thing through a camcorder (remember those?). The silly part is no cam corder can catch the beautiful essence of children singing Christmas carols. And nobody will ever watch those videos. I always preferred to see it and remember it as I saw it.
Yes!!! My husband and I recently attended a Boney James concert. In the row in front of us, a gentleman recorded almost the entire concert on his phone, pausing to upload portions to social media along the way. Needless to say he wasn’t in the moment, as he “enjoyed” the concert through his phone. It was also a terrible distraction for me.
One of the products I designed and used extensively myself was a rather revolutionary new type of hammock intended to stay warm in a temperate climate rather than cool in a tropical climate. I called it the "sport of being there", to get totally comfortable in a beautiful place, watch the shadows shift, enjoy spending a day with the wildlife present. It was the opposite of the tourist behavior you observed, and I loved every hour of it.
OH-MAH-GAWD this is the BEST idea I think anyone has ever imprinted on my mind!! The epiphany to take my hammock out to my favourite woods (I love hiking) and just hang out, GAH!! WHY HAVE I NEVER THOUGHT OF THIS!!!!
I love this, I love you for sharing it!! I'm so excited, I am doing this next Monday on my free day!!! 😲 😆 🥰 🙌🏻 💙 🫂 🦥
Ha! I´m a European. In 1979 we used to mock the American tourist who would exclaim "gee! what a beautiful castle! what's the name?" "Let me check the itinerary, honey. Today is Wednesday so it must be the Chateau de Fontainebleau. We´re in France darling. We´re in France"
To be fair, it’s pretty hard for individuals to buck the unprecedented changes in our social incentives that reward this. New countervailing institutions, training and cultural adaptations will be needed.
I don’t know… I quit using FB and Instagram about 5 years ago. I wasn’t hard, but I’m older so my situation is different. I do miss the ability to connect with some of my FB friends, but given that they were real life friends, and don’t keep in touch speaks volumes. I’m clearly happier without the social media drama, and I find that listening to music, reading a good book, and having actual conversations with my husband are so much more fun.
Is there any work being done around the hypothesis that this behaviour is an expression of addiction - like any other - and that we’re living in a society with an increasing number of addicts?
Or perhaps that we’re dealing with shifting demographics of addiction?
There’s always been drug addiction, gambling addiction, alcohol addiction, sex addiction, but usually these are seen as being more common with men (not sure if this notion holds up against data but that’s my sense of it). Perhaps we’re seeing a technology which is levelling the playing field for addiction, where now attractive people (and women in particular by the sounds of it) are particularly susceptible to?
Frustration, demanding a fix, disrupting and upsetting relationships, all downstream effects of other addictions. Maybe we need regulation and harm reduction here too
As a new grandpa I was recently reminded of what a source of addiction could be as my grandson kept screaming "again, again" as I flipped him around like a monkey. My kids were the same and I'm sure everyone has had this experience. Mental regression or more likely the inability to grow up and face new challenges. I never understimate fear of freedom and rejection of life as an explanation when confronted with compulsively reckless behaviour.
I suppose then the question of “how do you define addiction?” comes into play - something I have little technical understanding of.
A child seeking that kind of play could be seen as addictive - they might get unhappy and distressed when the stimulus stops - but it’s also building up positive benefits through play, through bonding with a family member, and so on. There must be some point or region where that shifts from good for development to anti-social.
In the case of the article, it seems like this behaviour is quite far into the anti-social. It’s anti-social within the relationship, and it’s likely anti-social with respect to your friends and community. It increases insecurity in others, it makes some actively dislike you, and those people who do like it will be liking a falsehood (as all this posing is surely a falsehood) which feels anti-social albeit in a more left field kind of way
I think a lot of these adolescents and young women think they are building a career and becoming Instagram models. That’s the destructive fantasy.
That’s a really good point. There’s the social acceptance/adoration motive, but there’s also the economic motive. The extreme of which is something like OnlyFans - where the rewards are arguably the most immediate (at least in the case of money, if you do well).
I think it’s useful to approach these debates from the economic side more than the moral side. It’s hard to do anything with the idea that “the youth are lazy and wayward”. What if these girls and women are trying to maximise some economic factors, and we happen to live in a system where the best way to do that is via social media?
I’d love to see actual data on any of this. So much is just conjecture
My friend's son was dating a woman an "instagram model" who actually made her living at it. But it was still incredibly annoying to everyone. THeir family did a lot of fun travel together. Every time they did anything, they all had to wait until the posing and photos were over. And eventually they broke up.
The Approval Factory provided by social media is ABSOLUTELY an addiction. All human beings are wired for approval -- it's a survival mechanism -- and social media was designed specifically and intentionally to harness and enslave that innate need. Screens are a beast that is devouring us whole.
I wrote a new version of Little Red Riding Hood that I think should be required reading in elementary-age children and their parents; "Lil Red" is a modern little girl who goes to see her grandmother in assisted living and gets eaten, along with her beloved grandma, by Big Tech. I won't give away the ending... :-)
I'm finding that storytelling is perhaps our last, best way of reaching anyone, and I offer the story here in the hopes that those who believe it might be helpful will share it.
https://marypoindextermclaughlin.substack.com/p/the-tale-of-lil-red
Thank you for your poignant story!
There is a lot of good research being done. Content doesn't matter as much as people think, which is I think one thing Haidt gets wrong, since although social media has its own unique social and behavioural poisons, the evidence I've seen suggests any kind of screen use is brain damaging and an impediment to normal development.
This scientist has done some good work:
https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Stoyan-Vezenkov
In particular:
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/363861767_A_Central_Role_of_Biofeedback_in_a_Complex_Therapy_of_Screen_Devices_Usage_Addiction
Abstract: "Most research on Internet and gaming addiction have been focused on the content. Our observations and research show that one could develop an addictive behavior on screen devices at any age, regardless of the content and the type of used devices – TV, smartphone, tablet, computer, VR. Here we present 6 selected cases of screen addiction. The most common endophenotypes revealed by qEEG were: 1) slowing of brain activity (theta and/or alpha peaks) during and after screen occupation; 2) reversed asymmetry (predominant alpha and/or theta rhythms in LHS); 3) significant increase in the amplitude of the same alpha and/or theta peaks at eyes closed; 4) autonomous dysregulation. The observed cortexes were literally falling asleep during any screen occupation. When this "sleeping" behavior had been strongly consolidated and habituated it turns into Reward Deficiency Syndrome. We observed that the psychophysiological development has been anchored at the stage in which the addiction had appeared. Early childhood screen addiction has the most dramatic developmental deficits. Among the symptoms were: delayed walking and speech; lack of or disordered language; ADHD; „pseudo-autism“; autonomous and affective dysregulations; executive dysfunctions; disordered learning; lack of self awareness and self reflection; depression; ODD; OCD etc. [...]"
That’s really interesting, thanks for sharing, Emma.
Your point about Haidt being wrong is worth some debate.
My reasoning would be that the outcomes of the effects of consuming the type of content that Haidt and his colleagues are focusing on happens to be particularly stark.
Whatever the content that younger women (and younger liberal women in particular) are consuming, within the complex systems of their lives, it seems to have the outcome of increasing self harm and suicide.
Whereas the outcomes on other demographics are less stark (but seem to be there, as judged from the graphs I’ve seen presented in his articles).
Picking apart the whole story is incredibly complex, to the point where it’s probably not possible to do it fast enough to keep up with the current evolving situation. Given that, it seems to make sense to first focus on the extremes, try to solve them, then work backwards from there.
For example I’d be surprised if the story didn’t involve general decreasing mental and physical health as a result of addiction to screens, gaming etc., leading to increased insecurity and all sorts of negatives behaviours in the population.
I think it’s reasonably clear that this is happening at all age groups - at least in the UK and US
Glad to be able to!
By "wrong," I should clarify, I think there's more to it than just social media, but not that he's wrong on anything I've read on the subject per se, so maybe poor phrasing on my part. It's definitely hard to see the bigger picture of everything it's doing right now. Agreed on what you say.
On that last point, I'm very curious on how it's affecting older demographics lately, as I haven't seen as much interest in that area. It makes sense the focus has been on studying younger demographics. But I find it very noticeable how it's affecting older people, too, since just going outside, I see it all the time where even the middle-aged are glued to their phones just like the younger generations.
I'm also curious how rural populations might perhaps be affected differently, due to differences in culture and use. I thought of that recently when I was looking up some small towns and found one with a population of 200, which was using Facebook as a local market for bartering in place of what used to be a physical market. Which was just weird!
Hey @adam Murray -Ted Gioia’s essay The State of Culture explains this point so well. Think you might find it super interesting:
https://www.honest-broker.com/p/the-state-of-the-culture-2024?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
The franco egyptian writer Edmund Jabes has, in his Book of Questions, a passage describing the audience in a movie theatre as being "dead", like ghosts, watching the real world unfold from a distance and unable to influence it. Film and photography for him is where we practice being dead. I am attracted to the idea that mediated reality is replacing reality itself, and I think connecting it to fear of living, fear of freedom, fear of death/failure is an interesting avenue.
Long a go I coined the saying, "there's no medium like no medium" - in other words, to live your own life, immersed in your own reality, and avoiding vicarious entertainments.
Always look forward to reading your insights Freya! We spend the summer with my mum in Switzerland where we will frequently see women striking pose, after pose, after pose, boyfriend obediently holding their purse and snapping photos, all while completely ignoring the most stunning Alpine scenery. Reality is being flattened and uploaded into the virtual. Peco and I just wrote a piece this week on building three-dimensional memories that offers concrete alternatives to "documenting everything". https://schooloftheunconformed.substack.com/p/building-people-with-three-dimensional.
A few months removed from Instagram and I'm already seeing more clearly how insane this normalized way of being has become. I used to be upset my husband didn't take more pictures... but now I'm seeing he just wants to live *in* his life, in our life. And I love him for it. (Sure, I'll still ask him to take the occasional one of me and our kids... but for posterity, not the internet.)
Men and women need to hold each other accountable for their worst temptations from technology. Women wanting to document their life and looking “cute” so others will approve online is a terrible temptation to women. It is like pornography for men. The technology short circuits something deeply biological in women: the need for affirmation and approval. This is why of course men spend most of their online time watching pornography, playing video games or long form video. Women mostly watch reels and are infested in the coming of goings of others and seek validation online. None of this is healthy. It manifests differently in different sexes because we are wired differently, but none of it is good. Phones are technocratic Tavistockian mind control devices whose principal purpose is to make us feel bad so that we will buy more things. Nothing good can come from this dark magic.
I really wish there was a male version of Freya, someone with the same level of insight and empathy who could talk through all the same topics from the other perspective.
We're all in this together, we rely on each other. The war between the sexes is a great tragedy, and these platforms are stoking it for profit.
No, Jordan Peterson is 61 years old. It has to come from the inside. It has to be 22 year old kid talking to other 22 year old kids, and translating the experience of 22 year old kids to us, the older generation who knew life before the internet and have the mental/emotional capacity to insulate ourselves from its worst excesses, who maybe don't understand what's going on.
For me, Freya is a translator of sorts. I interact with Zoomer girls through daily life, as we all do, but Freya's insights help me understand the context, of which their behavior is the physical manifestation. As a father to a very young daughter, this is an invaluable service. My wife and sisters are all Millennials, like me. We don't really get it.
As a thirty-something family man, on a personal level, the only way to win this game is to not play. Definitely feel like we are swimming upriver. Simply insulating my children isn't going to work, because all their peers buy in. I am trying my best to model virtue and show the values I want them to emulate. I seek to place them into environments that reinforce those values. Step one is to get OUT of the public schools. Select a town that fits our values, large enough to be self-contained and walkable, but small enough that I myself can exercise some influence in the direction of public and social policy. My children will never get smartphones or tablets, ever. Zero tolerance. At the right age, they will get flip phones that can call and text, nothing else. They have maximum possible age-appropriate freedom of action. My son can walk himself to the neighborhood park, ride his bike to the grocery store, etc.
Right on! Best of luck to you. We have to dare to be different and teach our kids to be okay with going against the grain too. We are living in a distopian science fiction movie where most people dont even realize whats happening. My boys are 3 and 2. I am making sure we know all the kids in the neighborhood and have regular outside play dates. The idea is to give a talk on the topic in the neighborhood clubhouse and propose smartphone free pact for the young ones. I wasted lots of hours gaming myself, and looking back it set me back socially. If my local elementary school issues chromebooks im homeschooling until i find a better alternative. I plan on giving them a nature centric childhood, lots of hiking, beach trips, and they'll be joining boy scouts like programs. I am starting sunday digital detoxes where i turn off my phone and put it away, and i am hoping to get my wife on board soon. I WILL teach them to use tech for empowering things like music, art, 3d printing, learning. But keep the as far away from mind controlling algorithms.
Well said. When I stopped posting pictures and updates on Facebook, it still took me months to stop thinking in Facebook updates. But I did, eventually.
I’m not sure how I feel about digital photos in general. I have thousands. Some are really good. I pay for professional photos fairly regularly too: usually one Christmas photo shoot and then lots of dance photos throughout our season. Again, some really beautiful pictures and shots. But then there’s the question of what to do with them. I make some photo books and albums, but that’s a lot of work. My mother took less photos but they were all organized. Most of mine sit in digital folders. It kind of stresses me out.
I have been thinking about what will happen to all these personal digital libraries when the person passes away. I can't imagine many descendents will want to keep archives of 1000s of mediocre images and videos of strangers.
Right? The sad part is, I don’t even know what to do with the good ones a lot of the time.
Interesting how taking photos has changed.
Back in The Good Old Days, when photos were taken on film, you had to choose your shots carefully (the number of shots was limited and each shot cost money), send them out to be developed (more $$), and hope you got some keepers.
Now, for better or worse, the marginal cost of photos is basically zero.
I really enjoyed this. Nothing says "I am a soulless, empty drone devoid of personality and love" like a really busy Instagram. I understand that some people are forced to do this (those I know who have this problem hire someone to handle it), but for everyone that is not a model or actor, it is a clear sign on an unwell or unbalanced individual. It is unfair to say this is all women (oh boy are their vapid men doing this), but it is sad. I stopped bringing my camera when I travelled as a young man because it ruined the experience. I want memories, not photos. I can always purchase professional photos that are better than mine. I love to explore and enjoy where I am.
I feel terrible for anyone stuck with an individual who wants to travel to ten countries in a week to copy someone else's Instagram photos. I would rather spend ten days somewhere nice where I can get a feel for the place. This is also why I try to take long vacations in between jobs (like a month or two). Then I can get some of the language down (I take a class or tutoring before) and make some friends who can show me the REAL place I am visiting.
Sometimes I think air travel has been a curse. We have forgotten that simply wisdom that it is about the journey, not the destination.
This is both hilarious and sad—and important. Years ago, before the internet, I went on a vacation with some college buddies. One of them was a professional photographer. I asked why he was taking so few photos. He said, “I’m on vacation.” I always remember that. My wife today wants me to take photos of everything, although just for us—she’s not on social media. But I say, let’s just be and enjoy. The things we keep for ourselves are precious.
Narcissism.
Short. Succinct. Accurate. An excellent assessment.
Thanks.
- Luc
Another great article, thank you, Freya.
As a lifelong keen amateur photographer (mainly wildlufe and landscapes), I understand the desire to get that 'perfect' picture but a what cost? Is it really worth a relationship?!
I also understand the very uncomfortable feeling of being asked to take photos one does not feel competent to take and the competing pressure to do something your loved one asks for. Getting told off, or worse, for not doing a good job seems unlikely to help anyone.
In my experience, almost all the best photos of people are taken when the photographer and subject are comfortable and relaxed and communicating with each other (often non-verbally).
Of course, I take pictures of my wife and family but I don't share them online except within the family itself : they're private.
Modern technology has, I think, made things worse by raising expectations about how good a photo 'should' be. The image editing software so widely used has a really useful purpose but it needs to be borne in mind that what it creates is a fantasy not reality.
There's nothing wrong with a fantasy, of course, but knowing the difference between fantasy and reality is essential for our happiness and sanity.
No additional hot take to offer. Just appreciate the level-headed and kind assessment.
this is funny. I have seen this behavior but I do not know anyone, personally, like this.
I do not like getting my picture taken. The only sad thing is when I die there will be very few pictures to display..... As a caregiver to both of my parents this past 10 years, at both of their memorial services I had so many pictures to share. Those were such sweet memories. They both lived well into their 90's, daddy just last year, June to age 99 and a half.
Those pictures are treasures.
I am almost 70 and do not really understand the picture snapping and sharing on social media. It is kind of weird? There are a lot of people that back in the days of olden, we would call "show off"
which was considered tacky
Hi Rosemary,
As a 72 year old, I remember those days too.
For me, as Freya said, the problem is that these people try to live their intimate lives on social media rather than in private. The default should always be private.
And a bit more humility and respect for one's partner might not go amiss either. Trust and respect are the cornerstones of a good relationship, after all.
You are clearly a fascist from the horrific age of slut shaming and telling a room full of children that they cannot all be president. Basically, most of these people grew up as only children, or they had sufficient space between them that an older sibling never cut them down to size (a really important part of life). They all think very highly of themselves and believe that their modeling contract is just around the corner, even if they are five feet tall or a trans woman with a 38" waste and 38" hips. The worst part is, that is what they aspire to, being a model or a youtuber. The days of ambition appear to be long gone for so many.
The saddest part is when reality hits them. They cannot handle it. Not every young person is part of this pathology, but too many are. What disturbs me is its spread outside the US. We have always been able to let part of each generation rot because of immigration. I have no idea what happens in a world full of mock primadonna's with semi-imagined degrees who think their job should pay as much as a software engineer's, even those who are not working.
I sincerely hope we are old foggies who are simply misguided. I pray for it.