Sometimes I wonder if the reason people seem so addicted to their phones is because they've lost the ability to be alone in their heads and think their own thoughts. Take traffic lights, for example. Around where I live now (suburb city in major metropolitan area), it's gotten so about 1/3 of the time when a red light turns green, at least one ahead of me somewhere won't move until someone honks at them. I'm not talking about impatience. I mean people who are sitting there so absorbed in their phones they don't notice the traffic moving for five seconds or more. Surprisingly often it's the lead car. There have always been daydreamers. But now it's invariably cellphones. Lights aren't that long. It's amazing to me that so many people cannot seem to spend a minute watching for a light but have to pick up their phones instead.
Great recommendations Catherine and congratulations on your new book! My husband Peco and I have been leading a "Communal Digital Fast" over the Lenten period for the past two years at School of the Unconformed. Readers have found it very helpful to know that there are many others who have commited themselves to this digital fasting, as it helps to keep them accountable. We developed a "game plan" based on Cal Newports Digital Minimalism and have also outlined real-life activities that people are encouraged to "feast" on during the time where they create a new relationship with tech in their lives. We'll lead another one this year starting on March 3rd, free for anyone to join:)
Very good advice. I intend to follow, beginning with the grayscale trick.
When quitting cigarettes I ignored everyone's advice. It was too preachy, too punitive. I took my time and gave myself some wiggle room.
The first thing I did, and arguably the most effective, was to limit the times during the day when I could smoke. First none in the morning, then none til after noon, then three pm, then six. Eventually I only smoked after dinner. Then I limited the places I could smoke...
This method got me to 85 or 90% fewer cigarettes per day, when another (family) consideration prompted me to just give it up. At that point it was easy. The whole process took about a year and a half.
I would also recommend Cal Newport’s book Digital Minimalism. It’s a bit less step by step but also provides some very helpful and clear “utilitarian” thinking on the topic. The things we choose to introduce into our lives should be net positive. Do I get more than I give when it comes to my owning a smartphone? Could I change the smartphone to make this true? What about eg Facebook or other social media? Sure there’s positives, but do they outweigh the total costs to me?
It’s important to think about these things holistically and not get too tunnel visioned on “the phone specifically is the enemy”
Great article! Just want to throw it out there that flip phones are also an option and might be worth considering if you've tried the tactics like making your smartphone more boring, creating phone free spaces etc., and are still struggling. I switched to a flip phone almost a year ago for this reason and it's been life changing because the temptation to scroll is gone completely. Finally feeling like I'm setting a good example for my kids screen-wise too.
Great content. Thank you. Any suggestions for those in your life who almost never put their phones down? It's so hard to connect when they're "listening" while scrolling.
Thanks, Karen! What you’re describing is both extremely common and difficult. One idea would be to embrace the idea of phone-free spaces so that you have preexisting rules for how they’re supposed to be (not) interacting with their phone at, say, the dinner table. Another is to ask if they’ll do a device-free night or digital sabbath with you, and use their resistance (which they’ll likely have!) as a conversation starter for how their phone use is making you feel. Another is to use a technique recommended by therapists and to straight up start a conversation with them about this - but be sure to use a lot of “I feel” statements — eg “I feel really hurt when you pull your phone out when we’re talking bc it makes me feel like you’re not interested in what I’m saying.”
I really want to validate you on this - “phubbing” (phone-snubbing) is having a very real impact on people’s relationships—I hear it all the time. You do have the right to ask people not to do this. It’s so rude.
I stop talking when that happens and wait until they look up. Sometimes they don't even notice; then I walk away or do something else myself. They're not engaging with me anyway.
I struggle with this too. One thing that has helped (when I remember to do it): being proactive and requesting a phone free block of time before it happens. Example: going out to a restaurant and requesting that smartphones be left in the glove compartment. If I wait until we're in the moment and the phone comes out, that's when I tend to resort to passive aggressive remarks like "are we boring you?" lol.
I also try to remember that my own journey in breaking up with my phone took years. I knew I had a problem for a very long time before I finally found the motivation to deal with it. And figuring out a solution that worked for me also took a long time and lots of iterations, and it's an ongoing process. But sometimes I'm more patient about that than others!
Being 95% retired, I find myself spending an seems to be an inordinate amount of time (2-3 hours per day) on my phone. Most of this is reading substack, which has great content on a myriad of subjects. Almost all of the things I have historically enjoyed (other than reading and live music) involve activities that are now beyond my capabilities due to physical limitations.Even though I enjoy learning interesting information and points of view from substack, the amount of time I spend on it feels like a time suck. I also spend a couple of hours a day reading physical books, but substack is more alluring because, I believe, it feeds the addiction to novelty. Considering my age and physical limitations, I don't know that there is any terrible downside from my phone use, but the twinge of guilt I feel from the amount of time I'm on it helps me understand how it can consume one's life.
This is such a great post an such good advice. I plan to buy your book once my self imposed Amazon ban (two weeks) is over! Email, news coverage and amazon are my online weaknesses! (I do try buy most of my books at independent stores, but am not currently near one)
There are several no WiFi cafes in Europe. An initiative started by enthusiasts of healthy relationships with hi tech.
I asked my family to make it a gift for my birthday that we all go to such a place. This Friday we fly to Amsterdam (I live in Europe) with my two teenagers to spend time at a NoWiFi cafe. people there give their phones at the entrance and put them into lockbox, and then they read, paint, do crafts and talk with each other. Just like the olddayz! I m
so excited to expose my teens to this aspect of life that they have never even seen! I hope these placed start popping up in the US cities soon!
Excellentes conseils !! Merci infiniment d'avoir écrit ces outils simples et pratiques pour tout le monde ! Intuitivement j'ai suivi vos conseils plutôt par auto discipline et ça marche !! Le téléphone n'est pas " smart" s'est juste un outil comme un autre ,ce sont les grandes enseignes avec leur armée de techniciens qui veulent vous hacker le cerveau et vous gaver de bullshit..faut lutter et garder précieusement sa liberté de pensée, la plus précieuse depuis toujours !bon courage ,cordialement !(my english is not so good..sorry ;google will translate !! )
Sometimes I wonder if the reason people seem so addicted to their phones is because they've lost the ability to be alone in their heads and think their own thoughts. Take traffic lights, for example. Around where I live now (suburb city in major metropolitan area), it's gotten so about 1/3 of the time when a red light turns green, at least one ahead of me somewhere won't move until someone honks at them. I'm not talking about impatience. I mean people who are sitting there so absorbed in their phones they don't notice the traffic moving for five seconds or more. Surprisingly often it's the lead car. There have always been daydreamers. But now it's invariably cellphones. Lights aren't that long. It's amazing to me that so many people cannot seem to spend a minute watching for a light but have to pick up their phones instead.
Great recommendations Catherine and congratulations on your new book! My husband Peco and I have been leading a "Communal Digital Fast" over the Lenten period for the past two years at School of the Unconformed. Readers have found it very helpful to know that there are many others who have commited themselves to this digital fasting, as it helps to keep them accountable. We developed a "game plan" based on Cal Newports Digital Minimalism and have also outlined real-life activities that people are encouraged to "feast" on during the time where they create a new relationship with tech in their lives. We'll lead another one this year starting on March 3rd, free for anyone to join:)
Very good advice. I intend to follow, beginning with the grayscale trick.
When quitting cigarettes I ignored everyone's advice. It was too preachy, too punitive. I took my time and gave myself some wiggle room.
The first thing I did, and arguably the most effective, was to limit the times during the day when I could smoke. First none in the morning, then none til after noon, then three pm, then six. Eventually I only smoked after dinner. Then I limited the places I could smoke...
This method got me to 85 or 90% fewer cigarettes per day, when another (family) consideration prompted me to just give it up. At that point it was easy. The whole process took about a year and a half.
I would also recommend Cal Newport’s book Digital Minimalism. It’s a bit less step by step but also provides some very helpful and clear “utilitarian” thinking on the topic. The things we choose to introduce into our lives should be net positive. Do I get more than I give when it comes to my owning a smartphone? Could I change the smartphone to make this true? What about eg Facebook or other social media? Sure there’s positives, but do they outweigh the total costs to me?
It’s important to think about these things holistically and not get too tunnel visioned on “the phone specifically is the enemy”
Great article! Just want to throw it out there that flip phones are also an option and might be worth considering if you've tried the tactics like making your smartphone more boring, creating phone free spaces etc., and are still struggling. I switched to a flip phone almost a year ago for this reason and it's been life changing because the temptation to scroll is gone completely. Finally feeling like I'm setting a good example for my kids screen-wise too.
Great content. Thank you. Any suggestions for those in your life who almost never put their phones down? It's so hard to connect when they're "listening" while scrolling.
Thanks, Karen! What you’re describing is both extremely common and difficult. One idea would be to embrace the idea of phone-free spaces so that you have preexisting rules for how they’re supposed to be (not) interacting with their phone at, say, the dinner table. Another is to ask if they’ll do a device-free night or digital sabbath with you, and use their resistance (which they’ll likely have!) as a conversation starter for how their phone use is making you feel. Another is to use a technique recommended by therapists and to straight up start a conversation with them about this - but be sure to use a lot of “I feel” statements — eg “I feel really hurt when you pull your phone out when we’re talking bc it makes me feel like you’re not interested in what I’m saying.”
I really want to validate you on this - “phubbing” (phone-snubbing) is having a very real impact on people’s relationships—I hear it all the time. You do have the right to ask people not to do this. It’s so rude.
I stop talking when that happens and wait until they look up. Sometimes they don't even notice; then I walk away or do something else myself. They're not engaging with me anyway.
I struggle with this too. One thing that has helped (when I remember to do it): being proactive and requesting a phone free block of time before it happens. Example: going out to a restaurant and requesting that smartphones be left in the glove compartment. If I wait until we're in the moment and the phone comes out, that's when I tend to resort to passive aggressive remarks like "are we boring you?" lol.
I also try to remember that my own journey in breaking up with my phone took years. I knew I had a problem for a very long time before I finally found the motivation to deal with it. And figuring out a solution that worked for me also took a long time and lots of iterations, and it's an ongoing process. But sometimes I'm more patient about that than others!
I love the pro-active idea, Christina! Establishing boundaries ahead of time is so helpful.
Being 95% retired, I find myself spending an seems to be an inordinate amount of time (2-3 hours per day) on my phone. Most of this is reading substack, which has great content on a myriad of subjects. Almost all of the things I have historically enjoyed (other than reading and live music) involve activities that are now beyond my capabilities due to physical limitations.Even though I enjoy learning interesting information and points of view from substack, the amount of time I spend on it feels like a time suck. I also spend a couple of hours a day reading physical books, but substack is more alluring because, I believe, it feeds the addiction to novelty. Considering my age and physical limitations, I don't know that there is any terrible downside from my phone use, but the twinge of guilt I feel from the amount of time I'm on it helps me understand how it can consume one's life.
That is a very good description of me too....⏰🤔🙋🏻♂️🙇🏻
I've found that removing the IG and X apps from my phone and only checking them on my laptop a few times a week has been a huge help.
These tips are so wonderful, Catherine! Thank you! My family added a Brick to our home last year and it has been the best addition. Here's a little more about it if anyone's curious: https://theconnectedfamily.substack.com/p/the-tiny-gadget-thats-changed-the
I LOVE the Brick!
This is such a great post an such good advice. I plan to buy your book once my self imposed Amazon ban (two weeks) is over! Email, news coverage and amazon are my online weaknesses! (I do try buy most of my books at independent stores, but am not currently near one)
Very motivational. Thank you!
Thank you! These are great tips for making you phone work for you.
Thank you
Let's collaborate?
There are several no WiFi cafes in Europe. An initiative started by enthusiasts of healthy relationships with hi tech.
I asked my family to make it a gift for my birthday that we all go to such a place. This Friday we fly to Amsterdam (I live in Europe) with my two teenagers to spend time at a NoWiFi cafe. people there give their phones at the entrance and put them into lockbox, and then they read, paint, do crafts and talk with each other. Just like the olddayz! I m
so excited to expose my teens to this aspect of life that they have never even seen! I hope these placed start popping up in the US cities soon!
Excellentes conseils !! Merci infiniment d'avoir écrit ces outils simples et pratiques pour tout le monde ! Intuitivement j'ai suivi vos conseils plutôt par auto discipline et ça marche !! Le téléphone n'est pas " smart" s'est juste un outil comme un autre ,ce sont les grandes enseignes avec leur armée de techniciens qui veulent vous hacker le cerveau et vous gaver de bullshit..faut lutter et garder précieusement sa liberté de pensée, la plus précieuse depuis toujours !bon courage ,cordialement !(my english is not so good..sorry ;google will translate !! )