When The Anxious Generation came out, I set up a challenge to all my grandchildren that I would set up a $1,000 investment account in their name at age 13 if they agree to not get a smartphone until age 18. So far all 3 of my grandkids that are old enough have done it. Their parents are very happy too.
This piece names something important: the guilt is by design.
But the guilt isn't just emotional. It's somatic. The attention economy trains the nervous system into the same defensive states that trauma produces. Parents are trying to regulate their children while their own systems are dysregulated by the same forces.
And the generational divide matters. For those of us who formed before the smartphone, this is deterioration. We had a before. For children born into the extraction apparatus, there is no before. Their baseline is a nervous system that never learned what settling feels like.
Children raised by chronically distracted adults inherit dysregulation before they inherit language. Then we hand them screens as stand-ins for the presence we ourselves struggle to sustain. It's not parental failure. It's depletion meeting design.
I wrote recently on this mechanism: "The Attention Wound: What the Attention Economy Extracts and What the Body Cannot Surrender."
As is so often mentioned on this blog, our schools are part of the problem. I live in the Philadelphia suburbs and literally every day there is a non-academic use of phones in the schools that while not exactly mandated is pretty darn close. Want to go to a football game on Friday night? Buy your ticket through the student ticket app and scan a QR code. Same for Homecoming...all tickets were virtual. I don't feel guilt over this, I feel anger because the decision on how tech is managed in my home is being co-opted by external forces.
Yes, so true. My friend tried to avoid giving her daughter a smart phone until high school. But in middle school, because teachers are incentivized to use technology (It's part of their evaluation criteria), the teachers began incorporating the use of smart phones in their lessons and routines -- You had to check in on google classroom, look up and submit your assignments online, read schedules and due dates only online, and it goes on. Not having a smart phone during the school day became a liability, and the student needed to take extra steps (ie, get her teachers' or friends' help) to do what she needed to do.
“ At first, the family had a strict rule: no phones until age 16. But when Talita’s oldest started high school, the rule proved impossible to maintain — all of her daughter’s peers had smartphones, so she reluctantly agreed to let her have one as well.”
This doesn’t explain why the rule was ‘impossible to maintain.’ It sounds as though the mother just gave in to peer pressure and emotional pleading from her daughter.
The crucial difference here isn’t phones: it’s parents that feel so soft and uncertain that they are unwilling to actually be parents. I’m a middle school teacher. I talk to them every day. They ALL understand that this is risky, harmful. They’re so weak and indulgent in their own lives that they feel unable to be firm with their kids. It’s a much bigger problem than smartphone use…
I felt guilty until I packed up all my sons’ personal devices for good. We’ve enjoyed an entire year with no phones, switches, or PCs. They are 10 and 12. They know they are different for it, and they are proud of themselves. I have peace in my life now that I don’t have to worry about limits, controls, sneaking, hacking, etc. I am so relieved. I love watching them play and develop interests and skills. It’s what I always imagined parenting would be like.
I have worked extensively with parents world-wide for 30 years---see RealLoveParents.com---and I can tell you with great professional assurance that parents do not actually feel guilty. No, what they feel is frustration that the results of their choices are not more pleasant. They choose to pacify their children instead of loving and teaching them. They choose to give their children comfort rather than confidence. Parents choose to allow absolutely anyone online---corporations, peers, predators, and more---to teach their children about life, and then the parents are frustrated that their children become detached, angry, uncooperative, addicted, and otherwise unhappy. It's not about guilt. It's about parents not taking responsibility for their own choices. Period.
"Parents should demand products and media content which are designed to help and support."
It always amazes me how little public conversation there is around screen time product releases from Google and Apple, would love to see this publication or others regularly auditing the shortcomings of them or talking to experts about features that can be demanded.
When The Anxious Generation came out, I set up a challenge to all my grandchildren that I would set up a $1,000 investment account in their name at age 13 if they agree to not get a smartphone until age 18. So far all 3 of my grandkids that are old enough have done it. Their parents are very happy too.
Amazing, Don!! What a way to support the next generation (and their parents!).
This piece names something important: the guilt is by design.
But the guilt isn't just emotional. It's somatic. The attention economy trains the nervous system into the same defensive states that trauma produces. Parents are trying to regulate their children while their own systems are dysregulated by the same forces.
And the generational divide matters. For those of us who formed before the smartphone, this is deterioration. We had a before. For children born into the extraction apparatus, there is no before. Their baseline is a nervous system that never learned what settling feels like.
Children raised by chronically distracted adults inherit dysregulation before they inherit language. Then we hand them screens as stand-ins for the presence we ourselves struggle to sustain. It's not parental failure. It's depletion meeting design.
I wrote recently on this mechanism: "The Attention Wound: What the Attention Economy Extracts and What the Body Cannot Surrender."
https://yauguru.substack.com/p/the-attention-wound?r=217mr3
Fantastic article! Thank you!
Thank you JB!
“The attention economy leaves us physically alone and digitally bound.” Over and out.
As is so often mentioned on this blog, our schools are part of the problem. I live in the Philadelphia suburbs and literally every day there is a non-academic use of phones in the schools that while not exactly mandated is pretty darn close. Want to go to a football game on Friday night? Buy your ticket through the student ticket app and scan a QR code. Same for Homecoming...all tickets were virtual. I don't feel guilt over this, I feel anger because the decision on how tech is managed in my home is being co-opted by external forces.
Yes, so true. My friend tried to avoid giving her daughter a smart phone until high school. But in middle school, because teachers are incentivized to use technology (It's part of their evaluation criteria), the teachers began incorporating the use of smart phones in their lessons and routines -- You had to check in on google classroom, look up and submit your assignments online, read schedules and due dates only online, and it goes on. Not having a smart phone during the school day became a liability, and the student needed to take extra steps (ie, get her teachers' or friends' help) to do what she needed to do.
“ At first, the family had a strict rule: no phones until age 16. But when Talita’s oldest started high school, the rule proved impossible to maintain — all of her daughter’s peers had smartphones, so she reluctantly agreed to let her have one as well.”
This doesn’t explain why the rule was ‘impossible to maintain.’ It sounds as though the mother just gave in to peer pressure and emotional pleading from her daughter.
The crucial difference here isn’t phones: it’s parents that feel so soft and uncertain that they are unwilling to actually be parents. I’m a middle school teacher. I talk to them every day. They ALL understand that this is risky, harmful. They’re so weak and indulgent in their own lives that they feel unable to be firm with their kids. It’s a much bigger problem than smartphone use…
https://jmpolemic.substack.com/p/people-suck
I felt guilty until I packed up all my sons’ personal devices for good. We’ve enjoyed an entire year with no phones, switches, or PCs. They are 10 and 12. They know they are different for it, and they are proud of themselves. I have peace in my life now that I don’t have to worry about limits, controls, sneaking, hacking, etc. I am so relieved. I love watching them play and develop interests and skills. It’s what I always imagined parenting would be like.
Amazing! Good for you!
I have worked extensively with parents world-wide for 30 years---see RealLoveParents.com---and I can tell you with great professional assurance that parents do not actually feel guilty. No, what they feel is frustration that the results of their choices are not more pleasant. They choose to pacify their children instead of loving and teaching them. They choose to give their children comfort rather than confidence. Parents choose to allow absolutely anyone online---corporations, peers, predators, and more---to teach their children about life, and then the parents are frustrated that their children become detached, angry, uncooperative, addicted, and otherwise unhappy. It's not about guilt. It's about parents not taking responsibility for their own choices. Period.
Great points. Children are currently being used as pawns for the digital ID trojan horse, as Australia rolls out a "band aid" solution for the guilt many parents face having submitted their children to the screen: https://romanshapoval.substack.com/p/australia-bans-social-media-is-this
"Parents should demand products and media content which are designed to help and support."
It always amazes me how little public conversation there is around screen time product releases from Google and Apple, would love to see this publication or others regularly auditing the shortcomings of them or talking to experts about features that can be demanded.