It's Never Too Late to Turn Things Around

What to do if you’ve already given a child under 14 a smartphone — or allowed social media before age 16.

Intro from Zach Rausch and Jon Haidt:

After publishing The Anxious Generation, the most common resistance we encountered was a feeling of resignation. “The train has left the station” — there’s nothing we can do. But since the publication of the book, there has been a tidal wave of change, in families, schools, and governments. There are many things we can do!

But one of the stickiest points for families has been the question of what to do if you’ve already given a child under 14 a smartphone, or have allowed social media for a teen under 16. Backtracking is not easy, and is sure to meet with resistance.

Today’s post will help parents address this problem. It’s written by Andrea Davis, a mother of five and the founder and CEO of Better Screen Time, which provides “family-tested resources” she and her husband wish they'd had a decade ago.

Andrea shares the hard decision she made to take away her daughter’s smartphone after seeing how quickly it began to change her behavior. She then offers practical advice for families who are considering taking the same step.

Her post reminds us that there is always a way forward. And sometimes, we can call trains back to stations, especially when they are full of children.

– Zach and Jon

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It's Never Too Late to Turn Things Around

By Andrea Davis

Source: Shutterstock

I’m a mom of five, and in 2017, our family moved from Illinois to Oregon. Our oldest child was 12 years old at the time. She is the classic oldest child — super responsible — the kind of kid who cleans her room without being asked.

In the chaos of moving, my husband and I gave her an old smartphone to help her stay connected with old friends, and with us, in a place where we didn’t know anyone.

Now, there’s something you should know about our family… I know this sounds strange, but we kept our TV in the closet — pulling it out once a week for family movie night or for special occasions, like the Olympics. We worked hard to keep screens from being the focus of family time.

This is why it was such a shock when, several months after giving our daughter a smartphone, she came home from school, grabbed a bowl of cereal, and started scrolling with one hand while eating with the other. She didn’t even look up to talk to me.

It used to be a "How was your day?" moment, but suddenly this phone was more important than our daily chat. I sat there at the table wondering, “Where did my kid go?” A few months later I was leaning over the kitchen counter looking at my own phone, when I came across a social media post from my daughter — the same kid who cleaned her room without being asked. In her video, she was holding her hand to her head and lip syncing about a Glock.

I knew she hadn’t really grasped the meaning of the lyrics, but this experience, for lack of a better phrase, triggered something inside of me. I was done with the smartphone. I realized at that moment that we had failed her. We had given her too much, too soon. The algorithms had pulled my child into content that was completely inappropriate for her age, and I had no way to control what she was seeing. Her developing brain was no match for this powerful tech. In the words of the former U.S. Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, it wasn’t a “fair fight.”

My husband and I agreed we needed a major tech reset in our home. When we told her we were going to replace that smartphone with a brick phone without internet access, she sat at the kitchen table with tears streaming down her face. It was going to be incredibly embarrassing to be a middle schooler without a smartphone.

For my husband and me, it was one of the most challenging, yet smartest things we’ve done to safeguard our family from the harms of the online world. It helped me learn a valuable lesson: It’s never too early to prepare, and it’s never too late to turn things around.

Within weeks of removing the smartphone, we started seeing her old self again. We weren't constantly asking her to put her phone away at dinner, and she opened up more. She rediscovered her drawing pens and picked up hand-lettering, she grew to appreciate the capabilities of her body in ballet class rather than comparing herself to other girls online, and she gained confidence in who she was becoming. Yes, she was still a normal teen navigating adolescence, but she was herself again — not some distracted version of herself. It wasn't a typical teen pulling away — it was the phone that had been pulling her away from us.

Soon after that, I founded Better Screen Time, and over the years, I've helped countless families transform their relationship with technology. I'd like to share these steps to a tech reset with you in case you or someone you love needs to backtrack, just like we did, many years ago.

1. Do better, without the guilt.

Parents have a myriad of things to feel guilty about, but concerns about screens are typically in the top tier of that guilt list. Instead of focusing on our guilt for decisions we have or haven’t made, we must shift our focus to our children’s present and future, and let go of the past.

You’ve realized you made a mistake by handing over too much tech too soon. Now you know. And you can focus your energy and efforts on rectifying the situation for the health and wellbeing of your child, using Haidt’s Four New Norms as guideposts.

As Maya Angelou said, "When you know better, you do better." You know better now. And I promise, with these steps, you can do better.

2. Apologize to your child.

It’s okay to admit to our kids that we’ve made a mistake. We can say something as simple as:

“I really wish I’d understood how [a smartphone, social media, gaming] would affect you. I would have done things differently.”

or…

“I don’t feel I [got the timing right when I gave you a phone, understood the power of this app, realized how little we’d talked about pornography] and I’m really sorry.”

And then…

“As your parent/caregiver, it’s my responsibility to keep you safe and healthy. I’ve noticed [you seem really down lately, don’t have time for the things you love], and I feel [your phone, social media, video games] [aren’t helping, are contributing to how you feel]. What can we do to change that?”

One of my favorite pieces of parenting wisdom I’ve told my kids over the years is this: “I reserve the right to be wiser today than I was yesterday.” And never has this line been more true than when raising kids and teens in the digital age. We are all learning as we go. But we can turn the tech tide.

3. Link up.

Haidt talks about linking arms. This is so important when delaying devices and apps. This linking starts within our own homes. If you’re fortunate to have a parenting partner, then work together to get on the same tech page. Discuss strategies for resetting and how to model better tech habits in your parenting.

If possible, link arms with friends and community members to support you as you work to reset the tech in your home. In Haidt’s words, “If you act together to delay smartphones and social media then it will be easier for you and your children to reject the phone-based childhood and choose real-world community instead.” (The Anxious Generation, p. 292)

A few families in my community have created our own local parent support group, Gorge Families Unplugged — parents committed to a play-based childhood over a phone-based one. Never underestimate the power of a group of parents who know and understand your local challenges and opportunities and who are invested in your community’s youth. This collective action makes delaying — or backtracking — so much easier on your child.

4. Foster your relationship with your child.

Your child or teen is likely feeling pretty frustrated by the change in tech boundaries. That’s completely normal! Regardless of how well they are complying, we need to show up with an extra measure of love. I took my daughter on one-on-one dates, we ran errands together, and worked side by side in the home and yard. Then, I offered a listening ear and responded with empathy…

”I know it’s not fun feeling like you’re the only one without [a smartphone, social media, gaming system],” or “I get that it must feel super frustrating when you’re not part of the group chat, getting tagged in posts, or getting left out of hangouts.” Sometimes our kids just need to know that someone is listening and acknowledging that this is hard for them at an age when fitting in feels really important.

5. Start by taking one step back.

In 2018, I designed a phased process to help families take a slow tech approach to smartphones and social media — known as Better Screen Time’s Smartphone Stairsteps.

Depending on your child’s age, you might take several steps back like we did, saying goodbye to the smartphone altogether and opting for a brick phone or even a landline. Ask yourself, “What is a step back I can take to help my child or teen reclaim their pre-smartphone/social media/video game life?” Then take that step. If you are helping an older teen, the answer might be to remove social media from a phone, to simplify to one social media app, or to enforce time limits on those apps.

Maybe your 15-year-old currently has unlimited access to Instagram, Snapchat, and TikTok — you could eliminate all but one app and set a 15-minute daily limit. Or if your 13-year-old is obsessed with TikTok, you might remove it entirely or only allow 30 minutes on weekends on your phone. These are just a few ideas to get you started.

Every family's approach will look different and you will likely get some pushback. This is normal. The point isn't to outsmart your child on tech, but to build a relationship of trust and communication while still maintaining necessary boundaries. This might mean using parental controls, changing wifi passwords, having regular device check-ins, or creating phone-free zones and times.

Yes, determined teens can find workarounds, but clear expectations paired with consistent follow-through — and ongoing conversation about the 'why' — goes a long way. These steps will require some experimentation and trusting in your parental intuition — what Haidt calls “discover mode.” Trust your gut!¹

6. Give your child alternative ways to connect.

Lean into in-person connections. Create opportunities for your kids and teens to connect in real life in your home, in your neighborhood, and with friends. This is harder for some kids than others! Be patient and remember most kids need just a few good friends to be socially fulfilled and happy.

Screens are not only “experience blockers” as coined by Haidt, but they can be connection blockers as well. Yes, they can bring us a type of connection, but it will never replace face-to-face real life connection.

7. Create a family tech plan.

This is one of the best ways to provide structure. With a family tech plan, everyone in the family is on the same page and kids learn that tech is a powerful tool requiring time limits, accountability, and safeguards.

The simplest way to create a family tech plan is to talk through the following key questions: Where, When, What, How Long, and Who With? Use our tried-and-tested Quick Guide to help you create your own family tech plan.

8. Teach your child the why.

When kids and teens become aware of Big Tech’s design tricks, understand the realities of digital dangers, and master the skill of digital discernment, they are more likely to get on board with the changes you are making. If the changes just feel like rules created out of fear, kids will dig their heels in even more and you’ll find yourself in a constant state of tech tug-of-war.

The “why” is best taught through conversation, modeling, consistent reinforcement of the tech boundaries you’ve created together, and time spent strengthening your relationship with your kids.

I’ve watched thousands of families change their tech trajectory at a critical point in their child’s life. Today, we have two teenage daughters, ages 16 and 17, without social media; a 13-year-old son without a smartphone or gaming console; and an 11-year-old without a tablet — and they are all thriving.

When your child tells you they are “the only one” without a smartphone or social media and you worry they will be left out, flip that fear around. What are they really being left out of? Cyberbullying, online predators, scams, dangerous online challenges, harmful body image content, easy access to pornography, social comparison, requests for nudes, and wasting precious time they'll never get back. That sounds like exactly the kind of left out every parent should want.

Empower your kids to spend in-person time with their friends. Both they and their friends will feel those experiences are much more valuable, memorable, and fun than on-screen exchanges. Trust in the power of real-life presence and experiences. You’re not just taking away; you’re adding.

Is it worth taking these steps? A million times YES! When we chart a new tech course, we make room for more real-world engagement, while buying time for our children’s brains to develop better self-control and less fragmented attention.

That 12-year-old girl is now in college. Her college admissions essay flashed back to the painful goodbye to her smartphone, navigating life with a brick phone (temporarily!), her mom’s tech talks, and eventually realizing that because of screen time limits, her ears were covered when the online world was telling her who to be.

The last line in her essay says it all…“I found myself on my own. I know who I am.”

And that’s my hope not only for my own kids, but for yours, too. To know who they are before the online voices of social media, peers, or influencers tell them who they should be. Those voices are loud, but they can be shut out.

Our kids need us now more than ever. It’s never too late to turn things around.

I’m cheering you on.

1. These steps are intentionally ordered. If you start making changes without taking these earlier steps, you risk damaging your relationship with your child and acting out of fear. An exception would be if your child is in immediate danger — suicidal ideation, severe depression, dangerous conversations with online strangers, etc. In these situations, you need to act quickly and make changes as soon as possible, then work on rebuilding the relationship.