I sometimes had to say to my kids, “there will come day when we will be great friends. Unfortunately, that day is not today. Today, I must be your parent, and do the hard thing that is best for you, even if it means at this moment, you don’t see me as your friend.”
All my kids are now grown, and happy, productive adults. And indeed, we are great friends.
We took our now 14 year old daughter's smartphone away after discovering some problematic behaviors. I was naive. I thought she could handle it, but I was wrong. I did apologize for that, but I'm not sure she understands why I am sorry. We even went as far as locking the phone in our safety deposit box so there would be no surreptitious usage. It's a lonely road, but it's the right path.
I was listening to Anxious Generation in the car several months ago and my 12 year old son was very interested. He said, "oooohhhh that's why, you are always talking about with screen time, that makes sense." I had been receiving a lot of push back about screentime limits etc before but after he listened to parts of several chapters of the book he was willing to give me the benefit of the doubt and accepted the limits more graciously. Most of the time. As someone who let tech be somewhat out of control, I too agree, that it's never too late. I started with small steps and am still working on it.
I love this! I work at Gabb, safe phones for kids, and I hear so many parents say just that: they already gave their kid an iPhone, so now it's too late. I LOVE the graphic on turning it back. It's really never too late to go back to the basics with technology (only calling + texting) so that your kids can live without the stress of the online world.
I wish we were friends! It can be a lonely road, but it is SO worth it! Your kids be confidant, have hobbies, read, and play outside! Pull the phone plug now!
This is such a powerful message. I love the hope this article gives. As a parent of multiple tweens and teens with two sons that are now young adults I can say that it is worth it!! Stairstepping (the concept Iearned from Andrea years ago) was the key to helping our children navigate the process of learning to use their phone appropriately at each stage. There were hiccups along the way but there is hope when our kids know why we are trying to do things in an intentional way. It is also possible to get your local schools on board with limiting phone use in school. Andrea has great resources to help with that process too!
for years, my friends who are parents have spoken with helplessness once they've given their child a phone. i get it. i'm a parent too but have always insisted it's not too late to take a step back. thank you for writing this. I'll share it
Wow. Thank you so much for this honest, wise, and encouraging post. It is so helpful to hear about this...the before, during, and after of giving your daughter a smartphone. What a powerful example. And what a lovely end to her college essay! Thank you for outlining these carefully thought out steps. My kids are 10 and 6, without phones, and I plan on holding out as long as possible. Your guidance will be a tremendous source of support not only to me but also to all parents today.
Thank you, Andrea. I'm so glad the post resonated with you and is giving you the tools and help that you need as you raise your kids! YES--hold out as long as possible. It will be SO worth it!
I really appreciate the advice to apologize to your kids. I had one parent who did this for me. That went a long way in building my trust in him.
ALSO - I am a millennial. SO many of us were optimistic tech adopters and have absolutely turned back. You can tell kids that many adults have realized they needed to do the same. If turning the clock back has a lot of potential to destroy your relationship, consider taking similar steps yourself. If you cling to your smartphone/social media use it may be harder for your kids to see where you’re coming from.
This is one of the most courageous, clear, and grounded parenting reflections I’ve seen on the tech dilemma. It doesn’t demonize technology, but it does name the fracture lines it causes—and it does so without panic or performance. The most powerful part? The reminder that backtracking is not failure. It’s discernment in action. And it’s never too late to reroute. What’s being protected here isn’t innocence—it’s identity.
I have read that the entire Blue Screen Addiction angle was lifted, holus bolus, from Las Vegas Poker Machine tech; which was DESIGNED using literal Mob psychologists to keep players losing. Predatory tech, unleashed on human minds... they KNEW it's harm. And it's POWER. These are not good people, they are Oligarchs. We are dirt to them.
It's too late when the child becomes an adult, so start early! Sadly, one of my adult kids posts selfies nearly every day and seems hopelessly addicted to social media. It didn't exist when I was raising her, so I couldn't do much, and now I can't do anything.
I would be less skeptical of the upper middle class’s meritocracy’s crusade to curate perfect children who hold the same values they do if children’s perspectives were represented here.
I don’t view these efforts as to create “perfect children.” It’s not even about creating a perfect environment, as we know that’s out of our hands! Limiting tech and social media is about healthy kids (literally, physically and mentally) not perfect kids. I’m curious how a child’s perspective would change your mind?
I came back to this comment because I was thinking about it, and I am definitely a parent who takes my kids’ behavior and opinions into consideration when I make choices about boundaries/ limits. The hard thing with technology is that they are not fully capable of consenting. They don’t really understand the big picture. There are a lot of areas where parents have to make a decision and take the risk and hope it’s for the best. It feels like a gamble either way. I’d rather ere on the side of a more holistic lifestyle than an online lifestyle. Time will tell for all of us!
Hi. I'm pretty sure I remember the author includes her older child(ren)'s voices/thoughts in her broader work. This feels an especially confusing time – societal expectations keep getting challenged – for us adults. Adults, you'd expect, would have more experiences to draw on in decision-making, including re tech. You think children know what to make of all this? -Lawrence Strauss
I sometimes had to say to my kids, “there will come day when we will be great friends. Unfortunately, that day is not today. Today, I must be your parent, and do the hard thing that is best for you, even if it means at this moment, you don’t see me as your friend.”
All my kids are now grown, and happy, productive adults. And indeed, we are great friends.
We took our now 14 year old daughter's smartphone away after discovering some problematic behaviors. I was naive. I thought she could handle it, but I was wrong. I did apologize for that, but I'm not sure she understands why I am sorry. We even went as far as locking the phone in our safety deposit box so there would be no surreptitious usage. It's a lonely road, but it's the right path.
I was listening to Anxious Generation in the car several months ago and my 12 year old son was very interested. He said, "oooohhhh that's why, you are always talking about with screen time, that makes sense." I had been receiving a lot of push back about screentime limits etc before but after he listened to parts of several chapters of the book he was willing to give me the benefit of the doubt and accepted the limits more graciously. Most of the time. As someone who let tech be somewhat out of control, I too agree, that it's never too late. I started with small steps and am still working on it.
I love this! I work at Gabb, safe phones for kids, and I hear so many parents say just that: they already gave their kid an iPhone, so now it's too late. I LOVE the graphic on turning it back. It's really never too late to go back to the basics with technology (only calling + texting) so that your kids can live without the stress of the online world.
I wish we were friends! It can be a lonely road, but it is SO worth it! Your kids be confidant, have hobbies, read, and play outside! Pull the phone plug now!
This is such a powerful message. I love the hope this article gives. As a parent of multiple tweens and teens with two sons that are now young adults I can say that it is worth it!! Stairstepping (the concept Iearned from Andrea years ago) was the key to helping our children navigate the process of learning to use their phone appropriately at each stage. There were hiccups along the way but there is hope when our kids know why we are trying to do things in an intentional way. It is also possible to get your local schools on board with limiting phone use in school. Andrea has great resources to help with that process too!
for years, my friends who are parents have spoken with helplessness once they've given their child a phone. i get it. i'm a parent too but have always insisted it's not too late to take a step back. thank you for writing this. I'll share it
Wow. Thank you so much for this honest, wise, and encouraging post. It is so helpful to hear about this...the before, during, and after of giving your daughter a smartphone. What a powerful example. And what a lovely end to her college essay! Thank you for outlining these carefully thought out steps. My kids are 10 and 6, without phones, and I plan on holding out as long as possible. Your guidance will be a tremendous source of support not only to me but also to all parents today.
Thank you, Andrea. I'm so glad the post resonated with you and is giving you the tools and help that you need as you raise your kids! YES--hold out as long as possible. It will be SO worth it!
I really appreciate the advice to apologize to your kids. I had one parent who did this for me. That went a long way in building my trust in him.
ALSO - I am a millennial. SO many of us were optimistic tech adopters and have absolutely turned back. You can tell kids that many adults have realized they needed to do the same. If turning the clock back has a lot of potential to destroy your relationship, consider taking similar steps yourself. If you cling to your smartphone/social media use it may be harder for your kids to see where you’re coming from.
Love that your parent did this for you. AND such good advice! Thank you for sharing this.
This is one of the most courageous, clear, and grounded parenting reflections I’ve seen on the tech dilemma. It doesn’t demonize technology, but it does name the fracture lines it causes—and it does so without panic or performance. The most powerful part? The reminder that backtracking is not failure. It’s discernment in action. And it’s never too late to reroute. What’s being protected here isn’t innocence—it’s identity.
Make it a learning experience by letting the child pay for their own cellular service.
I was cutting the grass at 14.
I have read that the entire Blue Screen Addiction angle was lifted, holus bolus, from Las Vegas Poker Machine tech; which was DESIGNED using literal Mob psychologists to keep players losing. Predatory tech, unleashed on human minds... they KNEW it's harm. And it's POWER. These are not good people, they are Oligarchs. We are dirt to them.
It's too late when the child becomes an adult, so start early! Sadly, one of my adult kids posts selfies nearly every day and seems hopelessly addicted to social media. It didn't exist when I was raising her, so I couldn't do much, and now I can't do anything.
I would be less skeptical of the upper middle class’s meritocracy’s crusade to curate perfect children who hold the same values they do if children’s perspectives were represented here.
I don’t view these efforts as to create “perfect children.” It’s not even about creating a perfect environment, as we know that’s out of our hands! Limiting tech and social media is about healthy kids (literally, physically and mentally) not perfect kids. I’m curious how a child’s perspective would change your mind?
I came back to this comment because I was thinking about it, and I am definitely a parent who takes my kids’ behavior and opinions into consideration when I make choices about boundaries/ limits. The hard thing with technology is that they are not fully capable of consenting. They don’t really understand the big picture. There are a lot of areas where parents have to make a decision and take the risk and hope it’s for the best. It feels like a gamble either way. I’d rather ere on the side of a more holistic lifestyle than an online lifestyle. Time will tell for all of us!
Hi. I'm pretty sure I remember the author includes her older child(ren)'s voices/thoughts in her broader work. This feels an especially confusing time – societal expectations keep getting challenged – for us adults. Adults, you'd expect, would have more experiences to draw on in decision-making, including re tech. You think children know what to make of all this? -Lawrence Strauss