As parents of three adult children, my spouse and I embraced a balanced approach, allowing moderated access to things like video games. The results speak for themselves—each child earned a college degree and now enjoys a thriving career. With our 12-year-old twins, we apply the same philosophy, setting clear screen time limits. Their video games and YouTube access are carefully curated, with all content pre-screened and approved by us. After all, you can’t hide kids from video games forever—they’re a pervasive part of modern life, and exposure is inevitable.
Contrast this with some friends who enforced a zero-screen-time policy. Unfortunately, their kids struggled later on—some became heavy marijuana users, others are glued to video games, and many find it hard to hold steady jobs. While every child is different, I believe this highlights a key lesson: teaching children self-moderation is essential. It’s not about banning things outright but guiding them to make smart choices within boundaries. We use video games as a carrot to ensure certain things like their chores have been completed.
This resonates with me. I have 4 children. When they were little, my wife and I created a universal limited screen time policy. If they were under 2, they got no screen time. But as time went on, we had to adapt to their personality and age. I was extremely careful with my daughters with social media because the studies showed it was very harmful to girls. We did not get everything right because they tell us 😅 but they appreciated what we did.
"Contrast this with some friends who enforced a zero-screen-time policy..."
I agree with your assessment, which extends to a number of activities. Zero exposure is higher risk than careful exposure.
My boys learned to have have alcoholic beverages in moderation and as part of meal-time way before 21, and my oldest skipped past the idiocy of the 'first time on their own' behavior of many of his classmates.
When I got to college a thousand years ago, I found that when I observed someone absolutely out of control, whom had no clue about how to moderate behavior, about 80% of the time they were completely unexposed to social situations or alcohol.
Yes, it’s something like that. Most days, they’re so busy they don’t even have time for a half-hour break.
We’re debating the use of smartphones. I’m leaning toward introducing them in eighth grade, with a focus on teaching minimal usage and emphasizing appropriate applications that enhance productivity and independence—definitely not for entertainment or games whenever they want.
A year ago, we bought them smartwatches, and they’ve worked wonderfully for communication. The novelty has worn off, to the point where we now have to remind them to charge and wear them. Imagine having your kids trained by their high school years to not feel the need to bring their cell phones everywhere.
Yes, yes, yes to this author. In the past fifty years I've raised 5 boys and 2 girls, along with writing and counseling to assist thousands of other parents. My own kids routinely planned outdoor activities that would terrify many parents, and I intervened only when I could see dangers they could not. They really do learn and grow more at the edge of discomfort and risk. I tell parents that a broken arm is better than a broken soul.
I just wanted to add my two cents to the gun play debate. I disagree that it is about violence. For children is is about power, in a good sense. Children are aware that growing means achieving more power over themselves, their environment, their lives. Playing with weapons isn't about violence, it is about pretending to be a big strong powerful adult which they rightly strive to be.
And also apparently about fantasy and strategy and other good stuff.
As a new-ish teacher, it had somehow never occurred to me that parents who think I’m exaggerating their child’s behavior have never experienced their child’s actual behavior since they’re always around screens at home.
Wonderful piece. Insightful, courageous and very loving. Every boy should have a Mom like you. Many used to, and sadly, fewer now do. What came across very clearly was not, for me at least, the way you handle(d) issues like screen time and technological infiltration into your boys' lives, but how much you deeply understand their boyhood. I guess it says a lot about your understanding of your own identity, as a woman, which is the nugget that really sparkles in your wisdom. I grew up decades ago in a very matriarchal environment where boys and men were considered crass, violent and noisy. My older brother and I reacted very differently. He fought the constraints, bullied his way through the constant criticism, built himself a career as a thriving dentist. I sort of buckled under instead, quietly, hiding in books and music and "saving" girls broken by drugs or abuse, including one raped by her own brother for many of her childhood years. I wrote a book about the story but never pushed it. A lot of the drive needed to do that, or to become a good doctor or dentist, is partly rooted in all that "yang" fire that your boys are learning to tame, focus, and work with. With your love and support, and that's just brilliant. God bless your heart.
The North Carolina House filed a bill last week that would prohibit children under 14 from making social media accounts, and also force social media websites to permanently delete accounts held by children under 14.
Titled Social Media Protections for Minors Under 16, House Bill 301 does allow teens ages 14 or 15 to make an account, but only with parental consent. While sponsored by all Republicans, lawmakers said the bill received wide bipartisan support.
HB 301 was proposed the same week the state’s Child Fatality Task Force released its annual report asking legislators to “address addictive algorithms in social media that harm children.”
It also followed a Senate bill passed Tuesday with bipartisan support that would effectively ban mobile phone use at schools during class time.
The question about enforcement is interesting. It's been argued that any proof-of-age app has the potential to harvest unacceptable amounts of personal information:
Hi Ananisapta! Thank you for this! Do you have any more info about the last Senate bill you mentioned, that would effectively ban mobile phone use at schools during class time? Thanks!
This article is spot on. Your sons are going to be (are already) gifts to society, gifts to every person they encounter! We need more men (and women) living fully alive! Thank you for sharing your experience and reminding other parents they don’t have to parent the way everyone else is these days. Also, check out the HeightsCast podcast - I think you would really enjoy!
100% this! My son has had sharp tools from about age four; he got an axe in 3rd grade (along with instruction on how to use it safely). Now at 16 our house is the hangout house. Boys work on bikes and motorcycles in the garage, play pool, and stay up late, playing video games together. They ride bikes (including at night) around the neighborhood and on trails (with helmets and lights, of course). Sure, there are screens—but they are a side thing; the real world is much more fun!
While reading this, I thought of my young adult son who has recently joined the city's rugby team. He wrestled in high school and played rugby in college. He is so happy to be on a team again. He bemoans the grip video games have on his friends and prefers to spend his time playing sports and working out, when he's not at work. Also very outdoorsy, thanks to Scouts.
I appreciate this article and agree with a limited screen approach. It's difficult as my son is very oriented and toward screens. A very quiet and reserved child, he becomes so chatty and animated from his weekend allotted hour. He'll talk so much repeated some random aspect of a game he played. It's something that gets him so excited versus sports or other activities and I struggle with my restrictions and if they are more connected with my anti-screen own biases vs honoring the kid I have? I don't know.
Great article. The other thing boys need that is missing is rite of passage activities and events to separate growth transitions. I believe they need it at 10, 13 and 18 yrs old.
Btw, i took the same approach with my kids and as adults, it has made all the difference.
I’ve heard about “rite of passage” rituals, and thought they were interesting from a sociological perspective. Have you written anything on this or be able to give me some color on what they look like?
Sure. As a pastor, I have been working with kids of all ages for over 35+ years. Technology has distracted parents from adolescent development jumps in kids especially boys.
This is what I did with my boys:
1. 10 yrs old: They choose the clothes they wear, doing their laundry, etc. This has social and self esteem implications.
2. 13 yrs old: Give them responsibilities associated with males like starting the car, checking door locks at night, serving siblings, etc.
3. 18 yrs old: Access to car, planning events in the home for friends, etc.
These are simple things that parents did in the past. Make these rituals public to others so they can be held responsible and be responsible.
I run a program for middle school kids and I am communicating these ideas to their parents so they don't let their kids get too comfortable with just consuming (sitting on their phone).
Ah, I see. Thanks for the clarification! I had envisioned a "getaway" outing, like a Great Banquet—these rituals are a lot more grounded, and a helpful stair-step of responsibility.
At risk of coming across as overly self-promotional, I did publish a piece on the spiritual risks of phone usage this morning, which coincides extremely closely with the kind of passive consumption you're talking about. Might be worth checking out.
I appreciate this so much. We're the only screen free family we know, and we have all (young)boys--it's NOISY. it's noisy everywhere we go. My mother and MIL constantly comment on it, the chaos we bring, the PATIENCE we must have, etc.,etc.
They'll get the odd movie as the grow, and the odd National Geographic 5 min video on animals, and see screens at grandparents houses, but never cartoons and never "for them." If you're going to watch it, you watch what the adults are watching...which adds to the noise, when my dad has been watching lumberjack competitions and my kids are "chainsawing" my house down
Very interesting perspective. Defintiely seems like you’re going against the “devouring mother” narrative. I’m 24 and want to have kids (God-willing) in a few years. Learning different types of parenting approaches at my age I think will pay off. Thank you for writing this.
As parents of three adult children, my spouse and I embraced a balanced approach, allowing moderated access to things like video games. The results speak for themselves—each child earned a college degree and now enjoys a thriving career. With our 12-year-old twins, we apply the same philosophy, setting clear screen time limits. Their video games and YouTube access are carefully curated, with all content pre-screened and approved by us. After all, you can’t hide kids from video games forever—they’re a pervasive part of modern life, and exposure is inevitable.
Contrast this with some friends who enforced a zero-screen-time policy. Unfortunately, their kids struggled later on—some became heavy marijuana users, others are glued to video games, and many find it hard to hold steady jobs. While every child is different, I believe this highlights a key lesson: teaching children self-moderation is essential. It’s not about banning things outright but guiding them to make smart choices within boundaries. We use video games as a carrot to ensure certain things like their chores have been completed.
I think this is pretty easy to do with something like a playstation in the main tv room
I think this is very difficult with something like a smartphone that they can access all the time
Does actually allow a half an hour to an hour of game time each day?If all the other stuff is done, including music, practice, homework, etc
They can get a smartphone when they're eighteen
This resonates with me. I have 4 children. When they were little, my wife and I created a universal limited screen time policy. If they were under 2, they got no screen time. But as time went on, we had to adapt to their personality and age. I was extremely careful with my daughters with social media because the studies showed it was very harmful to girls. We did not get everything right because they tell us 😅 but they appreciated what we did.
"Contrast this with some friends who enforced a zero-screen-time policy..."
I agree with your assessment, which extends to a number of activities. Zero exposure is higher risk than careful exposure.
My boys learned to have have alcoholic beverages in moderation and as part of meal-time way before 21, and my oldest skipped past the idiocy of the 'first time on their own' behavior of many of his classmates.
When I got to college a thousand years ago, I found that when I observed someone absolutely out of control, whom had no clue about how to moderate behavior, about 80% of the time they were completely unexposed to social situations or alcohol.
Yes, it’s something like that. Most days, they’re so busy they don’t even have time for a half-hour break.
We’re debating the use of smartphones. I’m leaning toward introducing them in eighth grade, with a focus on teaching minimal usage and emphasizing appropriate applications that enhance productivity and independence—definitely not for entertainment or games whenever they want.
A year ago, we bought them smartwatches, and they’ve worked wonderfully for communication. The novelty has worn off, to the point where we now have to remind them to charge and wear them. Imagine having your kids trained by their high school years to not feel the need to bring their cell phones everywhere.
Yes, yes, yes to this author. In the past fifty years I've raised 5 boys and 2 girls, along with writing and counseling to assist thousands of other parents. My own kids routinely planned outdoor activities that would terrify many parents, and I intervened only when I could see dangers they could not. They really do learn and grow more at the edge of discomfort and risk. I tell parents that a broken arm is better than a broken soul.
I just wanted to add my two cents to the gun play debate. I disagree that it is about violence. For children is is about power, in a good sense. Children are aware that growing means achieving more power over themselves, their environment, their lives. Playing with weapons isn't about violence, it is about pretending to be a big strong powerful adult which they rightly strive to be.
And also apparently about fantasy and strategy and other good stuff.
To be clear, I disagree with people who say it encourages violence.
As a new-ish teacher, it had somehow never occurred to me that parents who think I’m exaggerating their child’s behavior have never experienced their child’s actual behavior since they’re always around screens at home.
Excellent article. It's one of the best I've read in the past week, and I read a lot. Common sense isn't so common.
Absolutely brilliant article - thank you for writing it and sharing this wisdom with others for raising boys.
Wonderful piece. Insightful, courageous and very loving. Every boy should have a Mom like you. Many used to, and sadly, fewer now do. What came across very clearly was not, for me at least, the way you handle(d) issues like screen time and technological infiltration into your boys' lives, but how much you deeply understand their boyhood. I guess it says a lot about your understanding of your own identity, as a woman, which is the nugget that really sparkles in your wisdom. I grew up decades ago in a very matriarchal environment where boys and men were considered crass, violent and noisy. My older brother and I reacted very differently. He fought the constraints, bullied his way through the constant criticism, built himself a career as a thriving dentist. I sort of buckled under instead, quietly, hiding in books and music and "saving" girls broken by drugs or abuse, including one raped by her own brother for many of her childhood years. I wrote a book about the story but never pushed it. A lot of the drive needed to do that, or to become a good doctor or dentist, is partly rooted in all that "yang" fire that your boys are learning to tame, focus, and work with. With your love and support, and that's just brilliant. God bless your heart.
From Flyover North Carolina today:
The North Carolina House filed a bill last week that would prohibit children under 14 from making social media accounts, and also force social media websites to permanently delete accounts held by children under 14.
Titled Social Media Protections for Minors Under 16, House Bill 301 does allow teens ages 14 or 15 to make an account, but only with parental consent. While sponsored by all Republicans, lawmakers said the bill received wide bipartisan support.
HB 301 was proposed the same week the state’s Child Fatality Task Force released its annual report asking legislators to “address addictive algorithms in social media that harm children.”
It also followed a Senate bill passed Tuesday with bipartisan support that would effectively ban mobile phone use at schools during class time.
I think you can find more details at https://lrs.sog.unc.edu/
Any idea how they enforce this?
The question about enforcement is interesting. It's been argued that any proof-of-age app has the potential to harvest unacceptable amounts of personal information:
https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2025/03/first-porn-now-skin-cream-age-verification-bills-are-out-control
Hi Ananisapta! Thank you for this! Do you have any more info about the last Senate bill you mentioned, that would effectively ban mobile phone use at schools during class time? Thanks!
This article is spot on. Your sons are going to be (are already) gifts to society, gifts to every person they encounter! We need more men (and women) living fully alive! Thank you for sharing your experience and reminding other parents they don’t have to parent the way everyone else is these days. Also, check out the HeightsCast podcast - I think you would really enjoy!
100% this! My son has had sharp tools from about age four; he got an axe in 3rd grade (along with instruction on how to use it safely). Now at 16 our house is the hangout house. Boys work on bikes and motorcycles in the garage, play pool, and stay up late, playing video games together. They ride bikes (including at night) around the neighborhood and on trails (with helmets and lights, of course). Sure, there are screens—but they are a side thing; the real world is much more fun!
While reading this, I thought of my young adult son who has recently joined the city's rugby team. He wrestled in high school and played rugby in college. He is so happy to be on a team again. He bemoans the grip video games have on his friends and prefers to spend his time playing sports and working out, when he's not at work. Also very outdoorsy, thanks to Scouts.
I appreciate this article and agree with a limited screen approach. It's difficult as my son is very oriented and toward screens. A very quiet and reserved child, he becomes so chatty and animated from his weekend allotted hour. He'll talk so much repeated some random aspect of a game he played. It's something that gets him so excited versus sports or other activities and I struggle with my restrictions and if they are more connected with my anti-screen own biases vs honoring the kid I have? I don't know.
Great article. The other thing boys need that is missing is rite of passage activities and events to separate growth transitions. I believe they need it at 10, 13 and 18 yrs old.
Btw, i took the same approach with my kids and as adults, it has made all the difference.
I’ve heard about “rite of passage” rituals, and thought they were interesting from a sociological perspective. Have you written anything on this or be able to give me some color on what they look like?
Sure. As a pastor, I have been working with kids of all ages for over 35+ years. Technology has distracted parents from adolescent development jumps in kids especially boys.
This is what I did with my boys:
1. 10 yrs old: They choose the clothes they wear, doing their laundry, etc. This has social and self esteem implications.
2. 13 yrs old: Give them responsibilities associated with males like starting the car, checking door locks at night, serving siblings, etc.
3. 18 yrs old: Access to car, planning events in the home for friends, etc.
These are simple things that parents did in the past. Make these rituals public to others so they can be held responsible and be responsible.
I run a program for middle school kids and I am communicating these ideas to their parents so they don't let their kids get too comfortable with just consuming (sitting on their phone).
Ah, I see. Thanks for the clarification! I had envisioned a "getaway" outing, like a Great Banquet—these rituals are a lot more grounded, and a helpful stair-step of responsibility.
At risk of coming across as overly self-promotional, I did publish a piece on the spiritual risks of phone usage this morning, which coincides extremely closely with the kind of passive consumption you're talking about. Might be worth checking out.
Zachary, i will check it out. I write about theology and technology. Check me out also.😁
Actually camping is a part of it, too. I did not list all of the rituals. We take boys tent camping and hiking twice a year.
I really appreciate reading your story as a mom of 3 much younger boys. Thanks for the encouragement (and solidarity about the noise!).
I appreciate this so much. We're the only screen free family we know, and we have all (young)boys--it's NOISY. it's noisy everywhere we go. My mother and MIL constantly comment on it, the chaos we bring, the PATIENCE we must have, etc.,etc.
They'll get the odd movie as the grow, and the odd National Geographic 5 min video on animals, and see screens at grandparents houses, but never cartoons and never "for them." If you're going to watch it, you watch what the adults are watching...which adds to the noise, when my dad has been watching lumberjack competitions and my kids are "chainsawing" my house down
Very interesting perspective. Defintiely seems like you’re going against the “devouring mother” narrative. I’m 24 and want to have kids (God-willing) in a few years. Learning different types of parenting approaches at my age I think will pay off. Thank you for writing this.