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Mutton Dressed As Mutton's avatar

This was my plan for parenting going in, and I stuck to it. And I'm still sticking to it now that my daughter is a fifth grader, so I can say from experience that this is nonsense:

> Unscheduled time gives kids a chance to venture outside, find playmates...

No, it doesn't, because there are no playmates to find. My daughter has plenty of downtime, I'm not afraid of boredom, I decline plenty of requests to play, and I encourage independence. Result: my only child spends tons of time alone, bored, because other families don't do any of these things. If I limit her screen time (which I do), she is further isolated, because all of her friends communicate via Facetime.

To make sure she sees friends, I have to arrange "play dates," which is itself an endless undertaking. And yes, now that she's old enough to text with her friends (via computer, she doesn't have a phone), I have encouraged her to make plans herself. She tries. It doesn't work.

Please don't tell me to set up a "playborhood," because, guess what, that's a massive project and also is not going to work.

Sorry to sound so sour, but I'm tired of chirpy parenting advice that implies there's some simple fix to modern childhood. To be clear, I think the advice in this column is sound -- parents should do less, because the alternative is worse. But don't expect magic to result. Expect frustration because you're the one parent in your kids' school who seems willing to let their kid have a vaguely normal childhood.

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Riddley's avatar

Interesting stuff. I've got a copy of Hodgkinson's book around but ironically I haven't reread it since becoming a father.

I'm very much in favour of not taking on too much and overfilling your children's time. BUT as the father of three boys aged 6 and under (soon to be four) what strikes me again and again is how much direct supervision and crowd control is needed to avoid absolute chaos, especially if you haven't got much space. They can't just co-exist in the house, each doing their own thing, because they all conflict with each other and get in each other's way so much. A quiet day at home really is a day of near-continuous boy management.

For that reason I actually find it calmer for us all to be out and about doing things rather than spending time at home. The three of them can co-exist more happily at a playground or walking through the woods than they can at home, and there's less scope for them to break things. I used to be interested in homeschooling but it's now clear to me than young children need to be out and about for a good chunk of the day in order to preserve everyone's sanity.

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